Search Results: watching abuse

"She" has always had a history of bringing harm to animals. At the age of 9, she twisted the ears of her father's dog until he yelped, because he was getting too close to her. Her friend gasped in surprise and said she felt sorry for the dog. She thought he smelled gross, and his short fur caused her arms to break out in hives, so she didn't like how friendly and close he was towards her. A few months later, while watching TV, she gets down on her knees and kisses the dog's mouth. She starts to reach for his private area and he growls at her, so she sits back in her chair and pretends nothing happened. There were times when she'd yell at the dog for barking or trying to push her over, and she hurt him a few times.

Years later, at age 14, her mother's boyfriend moves in with them and gets a puppy. She listens, with tears in her eyes, as the puppy yelps and cries from being beaten by his owner. The boyfriend would leave him tied up outside all day and kick him if he was too noisy. She hated hearing and seeing this. However, after the owner leaves and abandons the dog a year later, she returns the same abuse. When the dog barks and won't stop, she calmly walks into the room, kicks him, and walks away. Or, she'll yell at the dog. When the dogs stares at her and expects scraps of human food, she yells at him to stop looking at her. One day, she beckons the dog into her room and closes the door. She removes her clothes and tries to get the dog to lick her private area. She feels terrible about everything, but she can't bring herself to stop hurting the dog. She cries and tries to forget everything she's done.

Is she a terrible person? Will she someday convert to hurting humans?

I am 19. I have always lived a very healthy lifestyle. I am a vegetarian, I work out, drink a lot of water. I am usually very happy and chill. I am a very analytical and abstract type. I am an artist. I write, sing, play instruments, I like to dance, go out with my friends, have fun, I love animals, have a pet cat, I like psychology, philosophy, I love sex and I live in the moment and am a hedonist, mostly spiritually.

That's the kind of person I am. I am like that even though I have gone threw physical, emotional, verbal, mental and sexual abuse in my life and all comming from my "family" members. I was doing well for 5 years, especially last year. Every positive changes that I have made are thanks to me: I am my own psychotherapist.

But lately I started obsessing over some things that are not even up to me, but affect me, I'm not gonna go into detail. I am not used to not being in charge. I am very independent and the fact that I cannot help here makes me anxious to the point that I have classical panic attacks. And the topic is something I have always been aware of, yet I never worried about it, because I was too bussy with literaly saving my life at the time. I can't even sleep, I lost interest in the things I usually love to do and bring me joy. I lost weight. It's been like that for a few weeks.

My friends are worried, because they think I am the epitome of strength and that's what I thought, too... I don't wanna let them down. Should I just give myself a break and allow myself to feel vulnerable for once, or is this something serious? I don't wanna go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I see people smoking and it makes me feel relieved just watching them. I have NEVER even held a cigarette, I have a very strong will to resist trying them, but I am afraid I might get addicted and then I DEFINITELY couldn't help myself. I don't wanna be a prisoner of my temptations, I value my independence more than anything...

Should I smoke or not?