Warning: This will probably be a very low quality piece. I'm feeling especially emotional, and this site is sort of an outlet for me to get out those emotions on occasion. I'll be sharing a personal experience, and it will more than likely bore you. If you don't care to read it, don't. Honestly, I'm writing this for myself. I don't expect anyone to really enjoy it, or even finish it really. Think of it more as a diary entry than anything else.
We've finally reached the first month of the new year, and I've taken the change in time as an opportunity to review the past year and analyze the changes I've made recently. 2016 was a roller coaster year for me. I moved to an entirely new place with new people ( @SweetHomicidalQueen), I met a man who I fell head over heels for, and I've really noticed some huge changes in myself personally. People are boasting of accomplishing their New Years resolutions for 2016, but I didn't. I've reached an entirely new height for myself, and I never could have dreamed of where I would be today. I didn't drop 50 pounds, unfortunately, but I've done something that I feel is so much better.
Let's start from the very beginning of the year. I had been living with my uncle, his girlfriend, and her two daughters for a few months at this point. I was a fat, sad, lonely girl with basically no confidence in herself or her abilities. I hated myself to be completely honest. People often told me that I was a great writer, and I got complimented on being smart by my peers. I didn't see what they saw. All I saw were my flaws. I was too big, too ugly, and too quiet. I couldn't even raise my hand in class. I had to ask my friends to speak for me half the time. I felt like I was just headed down a path that would land me somewhere awful. I honestly believed that I would just drop dead some day with no one even remembering my existence. I mean, why would I think otherwise? I could share classes with a person for years, and they still didn't know my name.
Despite those internal issues, I actually landed myself a pretty attractive boyfriend. The down side: he was about 14+ hours away, and I sort of feared that he was dating me out of pity. The whole first month of our relationship, we didn't speak. I moved away the day after he asked me out, and my new home didn't have wifi for that time. I was relieved to the point of tears when our wifi returned and I was met with a wave of notification ringtones as the messages he'd been sending me all month flooded in. He had waited for me! That alone made my self esteem jump up just one little notch. If he could love me, what did I have to fear? The relationship continued, and although we fought often, we always managed to fix the issue and move on. I loved him.
Let's talk about the new school I entered, shall we? I sort of felt left out there, but much less than usual. As in our last school, my cousin got a lot of attention, and I was invited along where ever she went because people knew she wouldn't leave without me. It hurt a lot to always be seen as an after thought, but I eventually found a few people who helped me with that issue. My cousin and I found the same friend group, but it sort of split down the middle as to who we primarily talked to in it. It helped me to have people there who I thought cared about me, so my self esteem improved just the tiniest bit more.
I seem to be rushing through the year here, but that's really all that happened. I survived school with only a slightly bruised ego after avoiding most of the bullying thrown my way. I still had the perfect 4.0 I was known for (and my anxiety wouldn't let me get rid of.) I didn't do much once summer hit. I sat at home and messaged my boyfriend, wishing he were with me and I wasn't so alone.
I was met with an awful surprise not long after summer break began. My uncle had decided to basically kick me out. He needed to "save money", and I was the only kid he could get rid of. Him sending me away wasn't too bad really. I understood where he was coming from. However, he made my mother (who was in another state) message me to tell me. He didn't have the balls to say it to my face. The worst part of it was that I'd be sent back to my mother and her husband, the drug abusing step dad I would have liked to see thrown in prison. He and I had a... rocky past, and I feared the thought of having to live under a roof with him. This was probably the first time my cousin had truly seen me cry. I was bawling as I packed, and I cried harder when he yelled at me for "having an attitude" (because I didn't want to speak to him while crying.) I didn't want to talk to them until I had to leave. I haven't really spoken to my uncle since then, which is pretty hurtful because he'd been my favorite family member since I was old enough to speak. I just can't find the words to say to him after what happened between us.
To sum up the dullest part of this time, I packed up my things and spent my last few days there moping around the house. On my last night there, my cousin and I spent some time together. We sat outside when the sun went down, and we did everything from catching fireflies, to playing basketball, to just sitting in the driveway watching bats fly overhead and coming up with funny dialogue for them. It was one of the best nights of the week, simply because I got to unwind a bit and laugh.
Skip ahead. I'm moved back in to my mother's home, and I'm finally settled in. I've already been met with disappointment. My first day in the state, not seven hours after reaching home, I already have people who didn't speak to me the entire year I was gone asking me for favors. I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to tell them flat out to fuck off. It showed me how much I let people use me when my confidence was so low, and I told myself I'd never be that girl again.
We've reached July. I've been settled in for a couple of months, and I get some exciting news. My mother has decided to let my boyfriend move in. He had less than ideal parents, and he wasn't being taken care of well. I went to his home (now only an hour away from me) and we spent the day together, finished with a trip back home with him tagging along. We were so insanely awkward the first day. We both hardly spoke, and we didn't even hug in front of my mother. I was afraid that it would always be like this. Luckily, we warmed up to each other after a few days, and now I couldn't imagine living without him. I've become very attached, and I wait impatiently for him to come home from work every night just so I can see his face and listen to his voice. In the six months that he's been here with me, he's made my self esteem sky rocket, and with that boost in confidence came many other positive changes.
To sum this up, my mom's husband is disgusting. He cheated on my mom with a woman who gave him hep c. I hate his guts, and I honestly wish for his death at times. He got with a meth head after my mom kicked him out (which eventually lead to his children being in danger, but that's another story entirely). He got into some old druggy habits, but eventually he came crawling back to my mom. Her, being a very bad judge in character, took him back. This doesn't seem important, but it leads up to one of those changes in myself I keep mentioning. This man has decided that he's in charge. As he's pushed me around and beaten me down in my childhood, I'm refusing to allow him to do that to me now that I'm so close to being a legal adult. The other night he decided to catch an attitude with me when I tried to talk to my mom over something I had been meaning to tell her. Normally, I would have been terrified of a man raising his voice to me, and I would have left immediately. To my surprise, I stood my ground. I looked him in the eyes and told him that he may treat his own children like shit, but he would not push me around. He seemed as shocked as I was over my sudden courage, and he hasn't spoken to me since. I've finally overcome being a punching bag for everyone else, and that's a huge accomplishment for me.
I'm tired and I've sort of lost my place (as I said, this isn't good quality content. I'm honestly just spilling my inner babble onto the keyboard and hoping it makes sense.) So let me skip to now. I've realized that I've become a totally new person. I stand upf or myself, I believe in myself and my abilities, and even my anxiety has been better thanks to medication, a boost in self confidence, and some theatre classes to really tear me out of my shell. I feel like a better version fo who I was just last year.
So, I meant for this post to make sense and be really meaningful, but I sort of gave up. I needed to let out some steam because things have just been building up recently. I'm sorry if you read this and got nothing valuable, but I don't need negative comments. I warned you before that this wouldn't be great.
NOW something different. Since this was just inner babble, I want you guys to vote on which of the things I talked about here will become a real MyTake with some important moral behind it. You can choose anything I talked about here. It can be anything about my relationship, a vividly detailed image of any of the specific events I mentioned like my last night with my cousin, or even how I managed to change myself specifically. Comment what you'd like to see me make into a decent quality MyTake, and I'll give you credit when I do write it. Thanks for reading my random emotional rampage of memory.
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