Search Results: pretending not to like sex

I'm the youngest of 3 and I'm a lot younger. My sister is 13 years older than me and my brother is 8 years older.

My sister always had a drug problem. She even sold her body for drugs. She became a mother when she was 17 (I became an uncle at 5). She can never hold a job, a house, or a life, she constantly had to move back in and take over my bedroom, she always locked me out of my own room to sleep and have sex with her boyfriend at the time. She was verbally abusive to me and say horrible things to me.

My brother would beat the shit out of me when he wasn't in juvenile detention. He would shoot me with his pellet gun, lock me in the basement, and took pictures of me in my underwear (I was too young to know why and I'm still confused about that). He also has a drug problem. He was in and out of juvenile detention and served 3 years in prison for robbery. He also became a parent at 17 and has 4 kids with 3 women, he was abusive to all of his partners.

Our mother is emotionally abusive and doesn't know how to manage her stress. She would blow up at me because my siblings were stressing her out. Throughout my childhood, my needs were always shoved aside because of my sibling's issues, I never had a day about me, my mother's attention was always on my siblings or their kids. I've had birthdays, Christmases, Halloweens, Easters, etc because of my sibling's bullshit. Now my childhood is over before I had a chance to have one.

Right now my brother is having issues. He's in town doing drugs with my cousin and has to go to jail for domestic violence (complicated issues) and I just want my drill that he borrowed back. My mother and I just had an argument about me wanting my drill back while he's having a crisis. She asked me "do you even care about what your brother is going through?" and I decided to be completely honest and answered "I don't, and I'm tired of pretending that I do."

Now this is a tricky question because besides myself most people think they're going to go to heaven. Think very carefully maybe ask somebody else or somehow I have three people tell you randomly we don't know who they are it's not so much about what you think about yourself but what you do for others. Or how much do you hurt others. And have you asked Christ for forgiveness if you're Christian hater and you're going to Yap about that go on about that just just move along. Nobody cares that's so I just got out of high school to me.
Well here goes this really uncomfortable part. I do consider myself to be a Christian but I don't live like one and I've had some dreams in the last four months maybe three times about being in hell and I think I'm being sent a clear message. I'm a child sex offender.. Im not willing to change, my pretend # is 11 or12 13 to 17 is great, 18 to 28 no problem., above that the ones who I actually sleep with and who are the best in bed but if I'm looking at a picture or imagine into my head it's usually 11:15 luckily for me I like girls with all the clothes on so the point is not important. It should that should be that should be mom p*** and no one should be able to unnecessarily be looking at girls that age and not he punished I still have my principles I hope that I'll change my ways before it's too late right now I'm trying to forget the outside world. And keep myself being punished in here for using this phone too much what's your nose supposed to it all my boyfriend's being moved out because of our romantic involvement and I'm going to be alone everyone on guy ignores me or avoids me because that's why you need a pedophiles I'm going to quit babbling I just got sad I might have to please my boyfriend tonight which is known as poetic Justice. What I wouldn't do to be ten feet away from a woman. But never have the privilege of having another I know what the hell I am and you can say what you know how to spell respond anyway