Search Results: breaking up for good

When I hear someone say "We are taking a break (or a time out) on our relationship to work on personal problems," I am always skeptical that both partners are being honest. Quite often, that is a way to break up that introduces the idea of a break up gradually so that the other partner is not overwhelmed at once with rejection and the partner initiating the break up can try to escape some guilt for breaking up.

I also realize that a couple could say this and both be very sincere in their belief that they are breaking up to allow time for personal growth. I don't really see why you would need to take a break from the relationship for that purpose; your partner should be there to support you in good times and in bad times and they should be able to help you with whatever it is that you need to do. They can certainly give you some "alone time" without the necessity of breaking up. However, I know that there is some popular notion that "temporarily" breaking up is an appropriate way to approach these circumstances.

What is your experience with temporary break ups to work on personal problems? Was it an excuse? Was it a valid reason? Did it work?

When I have initiated a break up of a relationship, I have always had some lingering doubts about whether I've done the right thing. The prospect of being alone, of never again sharing the good times that we had, missing her touch, her smell, her laugh. . . all of those are reasons to pause and wonder whether I have done the right thing. Most major decisions in life cause me to at least consider the possibility that I have made a mistake. I accept that as part of the process of breaking up and not a good reason to try to put things back together.

I've had two break ups that led to such substantial doubt that I wanted to put things back together. The first time, we broke up in 1980, reunited in 2003, married in 2005, and divorced in 2007. Obviously. . . the reunion was a mistake.

The second time was 2007. We broke up because she moved four hours away and it just wasn't practical to try to maintain the relationship at that distance. I have seen Oksana a few times since the break up, and they were pleasant occasions, but we are still at a distance. . . and I now have a girlfriend who lives with me. I haven't spoken to Oksana since I met my current girlfriend. Who knows what the future may hold for us? I am hoping that my current girlfriend and I work out long term but we have had some trials recently. I try not to think of Oksana but I don't know how to delete those memories from my hard drive.

Have you ever broken up a relationship and then tried to put it back together? What happened? Was the relationship successful after the reunion?