Have you ever broken up/taken a "time out" to work on individual problems/personal growth and then re-united with a partner?

[OlderAndWiser]

This is always so sad!

When I hear someone say "We are taking a break (or a time out) on our relationship to work on personal problems," I am always skeptical that both partners are being honest. Quite often, that is a way to break up that introduces the idea of a break up gradually so that the other partner is not overwhelmed at once with rejection and the partner initiating the break up can try to escape some guilt for breaking up.

I also realize that a couple could say this and both be very sincere in their belief that they are breaking up to allow time for personal growth. I don't really see why you would need to take a break from the relationship for that purpose; your partner should be there to support you in good times and in bad times and they should be able to help you with whatever it is that you need to do. They can certainly give you some "alone time" without the necessity of breaking up. However, I know that there is some popular notion that "temporarily" breaking up is an appropriate way to approach these circumstances.

What is your experience with temporary break ups to work on personal problems? Was it an excuse? Was it a valid reason? Did it work?

I have never been in a relationship

I have never had a break up in a relationhip

I have had one or more break ups in a relationship but never to provide time for personal growth

I have had one or more break ups in a relationship to provide time for personal growth but I eventually realized that it was just an excuse to break up

I have had one or more break ups in a relationship to provide time for personal growth but we grew apart/never reunited

I have had one or more break ups in a relationship to provide time for personal growth, we subsequently reunited, but eventually broke up again. It didn't work.

I have had one or more break ups in a relationship to provide time for personal growth, we subsequently reunited, and we are still together. It worked.

[xHoneyxBeex]

No. I've never seen the point in "taking breaks" in a relationship. You either break-up or you don't. If you don't want to actually break-up, then I think a couple should work on their problems together. It's entirely possible to grow as individual while in a relationship with someone else. Like you mentioned, if someone just needs a little time alone, you don't have to break up to do that. I feel like "breaks" are just a way to feel less guilty about doing what you want and not having to face the consequences to your partner because "technically" you're single. I'm not saying that's the case for everyone, that's just what I've personally seen in couples who "take breaks" instead of just breaking up. It kind of goes back to the whole Ross and Rachel situation (for anyone who has seen the show Friends). One person wanted to just take time apart while the other thought it was okay to sleep with someone else. Taking "breaks" just complicates things and doesn't make sense in a mature, adult relationship.

[OlderAndWiser]

100% agree!

[xHoneyxBeex]

Thanks for MHO! :)

[WhiteShoulder]

Yeah. Once. Usually it's just a prelude to breaking up for real though.

[WhiteShoulder]

Thanks for MHO :-)

[Lliam]

I've never broken up with anyone for that reason. It sounds like an excuse to go in search of another partner while keeping the door open in case you decide to come back. It's an attempt to keep someone on the hook.
I agree with what you said, OlderAndWiser. Personal growth should happen all the time in a healthy relationship. A good partner can even lend encouragement, support and/or assistance. This can help both people to grow and it can help strengthen their relationship.

[TonyBologna25]

Yeah, but it led to resentment when we got back together and constant questions of what we did in that gap. Jealousy, lies, and pretty much everything toxic towards a relationship. There’s a reason why most people don’t get back with ex’s and I learned my lesson first hand and get it now.

[SydneySentinel]

I'm skeptical when I hear that too.
My personal thought is that if they feel like they need a break, it's usually break up point. Why else would you put distance between you and your partner?

[coachTanthony]

Never but I see it quite often. Some people have serious eclectic lives to be doing all that !

[BrittBratt2416]

No and I think it's stupid. People need to work on their problems and personal growth before jumping into a relationship anyway. It's kinda unfair for you to suddenly one day realize you need to go on this journey of discovery by breaking someone's heart when you could of did that years ago before even getting involved in relationship. And breaks to me are nothing but the words break up but the person is too scared to add the up cause they want to hold ties with that person as a just in case fall back plan or they just want to ghost their way out without being honest.

[LingyRolls]

I have asked for a break for those reasons. But if I'm being honest, it was actually because I wanted to try out another guy. I was younger and dumb. But at least I'm honest now!

[lightbulb27]

I did that several times with one girlfriend, but I didn't know what it meant to work on myself nor did she. emotional issues don't change that fast. I did need space/a break because the emotional suffering is exhausting and impacts other areas of life. Maybe some people are tougher emotionally than I am, I know I had soft spots and old wounds.

Another girlfriend I broke up with and we'd get back, but again, I didn't work on much, or not much changed.

The real changes occurred after breakups were over and I committed to figuring out what was going on and work on myself and understand her. In some cases it took 3mon to year to sort out. Change is not easy.

What I don't undestand is how people can stay together and work on stuff... because it is so draining. I think there is a lot more dysfunction out there than we realize. Or maybe I just am missing some component of emotional endurance others have...

[Anonymous]

I voted, b. I have never had a breakup before. I have always wanted to take a break but my husband really rejects that idea. Sometimes he fills me with hateful words, and i have learned to fill myself with loving words from books and counselors. Also, even friends.

[OlderAndWiser]

This sounds very painful!

[Anonymous]

I did this with my last ex. I wanted to break up but I decided to “take a break” as an opportunity to reflect on my decision and also give her time to prepare for a permanent split. I knew she was going to be caught way off guard so this was my way of giving her a big warning.

Well after the break period we meet up and I told her that I didn’t see it working out. She absolutely had nuclear meltdown. Screamed, yelled, sobbed uncontrollably, threw things. She then threatened to kill herself and her grandma and I had to call the police to detain her.

Her behavior absolutely confirmed I made the right decision.

[SuperManiac]

I have before because I was getting overwhelmed by work (was during a crunch season and I was working over 100 hours/week and we still looked to be behind on schedule). But I took a genuine "time out". We didn't break up at all, even contacted each other here and there, and got right back to seeing each other almost daily after the season ended and we finally shipped.

[SuperManiac]

It was actually with my now-wife. I became the lead engineer for a brand new product. It was my first time leading any team and I wasn't a very good leader at first, constantly losing sleep at night, not that good about delegating tasks at first (instead of making up for all the combined slack of my team by doing their jobs for them). And it was really a huge opportunity for me to lead the team and ship something brand new. At some point, I had to ask my now-wife (who I was dating at the time) to give me some space to finish the product.

She did and we ended up shipping on time and actually ended up winning an award (Siggraph Silver Edge). But I really needed to kind of put my full attention on that product until it shipped. I could have avoided it if I was better at leading the team and distributed the work better among the team (these days I'm much better at that), but back then I was really wet behind the ears about leading teams and ended up absorbing like 500% of the workload that I should have and actually developed about 80% of the software on my own, leaving only the 20% of the remaining work distributed among the remaining 5 members.

[SuperManiac]

But I did it not only for "me" but both of us because I figured if that product shipped and was successful enough, it'd be my ticket to a very stable and comfortable life of marriage for both of us. And that product's success did end up giving me the stability I was looking for and allowed me to purchase a home and ultimately marry my wife.

[SuperManiac]

I actually didn't see her though, for over 3 months. But she saw the work I was doing the whole time as well as the final presentation, and I'd drop her some messages here and there in between to let her know how I was doing. And then we had a huge celebration when I was finished. I was actually so exhausted that I almost collapsed after we shipped. I actually only slept around 15 hours a week for several months straight (something like 5 hours a day every 2-3 days).

[Izumiblu]

I guess in a way. I broke up in a moment where I got... overly exuberant. And didn’t intend on getting back together, and then we did get back together. And in all honesty it was probably something I needed to go through to get my head on straight.

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds like you broke up spontaneously and not because you had a discussion about taking time out for personal growth.

[Izumiblu]

Yeah spontaneous is a generous word for it

[Passinggas]

No never, it has always been permanent. Once she ends it, I am very good at walking away and never looking back. I become anti-her and she is blanked out of my head once she breaks that bond. One ex of three years ago still tries to start up some contact. Nope, I never will do that.

[Drumlin2001]

Ex called for a break. But wouldn't say for how long, wanted no contact. I wanted to rekindle until a little over a week later. I processed everything, came to conclusion it was over. Moved on. She reached out a few months later. Conversation didn't go well.

[pleasestopthis]

While we were taking our time, I realized there was someone else he was attracted to; I thought he wanted to try out with this new person and come back to me if his new thing didn't work out. At that point I just told him to break up definitely.

[OlderAndWiser]

There is no nice way to tell your partner that you would like for hem to be the backup plan!

[ThisAndThat]

I broke up with my ex somewhere near Christmas and a friend drove her home that night. We got back together 2 or 3 days later. Six months later. That friend called 6 months later to confess he had slept with her the night he drove her home. I ended the relationship that day and went MGTOW monk 33 years ago.

[Whatthefluff]

I agree with you, it seems like an excuse. If their goal was really to deal with personal problems, they should have their SO in their life as a source of support!
But who knows, maybe for some situations it's genuinely useful

[mrpt1986]

I have been in a relationship and we took a break yes, but even after i changed to what she wanted (was short tempered coz of some problems and pressure at work)
It turned out to be bullshit tbh, if someone really loves you they will accept you with all your flaws
Being different is what spice up the relationship...

[Avicenna]

No, and I'd be really skeptical. An ex once wanted to get back together after I had done my military service (which was the reason why we broke up), but it was clear to both of us that we had each evolved in very different directions.

[rikochet96]

It never really works. I've had this happened to me and it didn't go well. My son's mom asked for break in the relationship. So she took it. 1 year later she wanted to try and be a family again after breaking it up, and I was passed that. I knew if her and I get back together it won't end well again. So it was best to deflect the negative energy our of my life.

[Unit1]

I would never do that. There's no point in that at all and no reason either.

If that ever happens to me, i take it not as a break but as a break up. Instabilities like that point to an existing and significant problem.

[CubsterShura]

Nah. It's such a bad idea. What will these people do when they are married? Divorce temporarily?

[Unit1]

This made me laugh 😂 i mean it's sad but... Shit... It's so stupid and pathetic, that its laughable!
Unholy scheiße! This explains the high divorce rates.

[Juxtapose]

I would make sure they were serious about the idea, and then permanently break up on the spot.

I am *NOT* standing by as a secondary option while you go around and try and find a better guy.

[AshleyMadison00]

That's exactly were I am now and its journey ull never forget