Search Results: not being able to have sex

My (now ex) boyfriend and I dated for 18 months. It was a very serious relationship, we both loved each other dearly and wanted to one day marry but we are both quite insecure people. This ultimately led to the breakdown of the relationship 3/4 weeks ago. However, two weeks into the break-up, we decided we needed to sit down when I'm done with university exams and talk everything through so that we can potentially give things another go. When we spoke it was so lovely, we told each other how much we loved one another, how much we cared and that until we meet up and talk, we will stay committed.

He went to a work party last week, the night before my final exam, and said he'd be home at 11/11:30pm so that I wouldn't worry. We had been talking previously and it was all so positive, we were happy. I met up with him yesterday and he told me that he went home with a co-worker after the work party. They had sex but only for 30 seconds, he stopped it and went to sleep and at 5am he woke up to wish me luck on my exam while in the same bed as her. He also told me he went on two dates with girls from dating apps, one of the dates being two days after he had sex with his co-worker. He said nothing happened. I stuck to my word. I'm so in love with him that I couldn't even look at other guys. Does he not truly love me?

I told him my mum found out because I came home in tears and couldn't not say anything. Now he's blaming me that he had sex with that girl because the relationship made him so insecure and he won't be able to face my family. I said that I will forgive him and so will my mum, in time, if he fights for me and proves to me that he made a huge mistake but he'll do anything to be with me and make me smile. He replied saying he's tired of having to prove himself. He says I'm his dream woman so surely I'm worth the effort? Why is he backing out? It's so hard to let go because I love him more than anything. Am I an idiot for fighting for him and trying to make it work?

I feel like my genes are so defective that it'd be immoral to curse an innocent human being with them.

My issues aren't really something that would be very harmful for my partner in a relationship - in fact, I've been told that my issues would actually make me a good candidate for a relationship - but my issues cause suffering to the person themselves, which would be unfair to inflict on someone.

And if my child was a boy, my genes (physical weakness, social ineptitude, anxiety, short stature, etc) would also make it difficult for him to obtain a relationship, sex, or social acceptance, which would make his life hell.

But I do hope to get married someday. If I find an ideal mate & he wants kids, I might (if I get over my anxiety & low self-esteem) be willing for him to get a surrogate for a child using his genes (and the egg donation of a woman with optimal genes), & then I'd raise the child with him. So he'd still be able to have a child with his own genes, and raise them as a family, but it won't be inflicted with my defective genes. However I understand that surrogates cost like $100,000 so a lot of guys may not be willing.