Search Results: guilt and shame

My family is riddled with mental illness, addiction, narcissism, and abuse. Nobody is genuine, everyone lies, cheats, and steal. Everyone is out for themselves, every time someone is nice they're most likely trying to get something out of you. The only genuine people I actually trust are 2 of my cousins and my 16 year old nephew.

As the youngest sibling, I was treated as everyone's power high. My brother used to beat the shit out of me, my sister would call me awful things, I was viciously bullied in school by students and teachers, and my mother is verbally and sometimes physically abusive and neglectful.

I kept it bottled up because I didn't want to be yelled at more, but the weight of it all was getting too much. After days of chain smoking I finally opened up to my mother, and she did exactly what I feared.

She flexed your struggles, one-upped my depression, compared me to others, used my guilt as a weapon, put me down, and made it all about her. She even said "You will NEVER feel as depressed as I do, and shame on you for putting that on me."

This is the reason my siblings turned to hard drugs, and I turned to food, alcohol, and cigarettes for comfort. I am now fully convinced that my mom is the main source of my depression. My family is a sinking ship, and if I don't abandon it I'll just sink with it.


I have a job and hopefully next year I'll be able to get my driver's license, buy a car and rent my own place. Once it happens, I'm disappearing. I'll move out in the middle of the night, and I'll only leave a long note of things I wanted to open up about to my mother but never could do it in person. I'm not telling her where I'm living and getting a new phone so she can't call me, only contact me through messenger. I also want to start seeing a therapist for the help I've been needing.

I was born more sensitive than the typical man and 100% hetero. I’m also a bit of a hopeless romantic. It’s something I’ve always hated about myself. I often feel unnecessary guilt and shame. Apologize when I shouldn’t (very bad for guys to do this). But I also know I experience good things much more intensely than the average person. I have a greater appreciation of the arts and traveling to new places. But bad experiences are much more intense and long lasting. Regrets sting and last longer as well.

If I could trade it all to be a sociopath I think I would do it. That doesn’t mean I would want to be a serial killer. But it would be nice to have less of a conscious and still be law abiding.