To All The Boys I’VE Loved Before

KaylaJoy
To All The Boys I’VE Loved Before


Dear A.H.

When I first came to live with the family who later adopted me, you were one of the first kids I met at church. We were both in the kindergarten group, and you were instantly friendly and kind to me. I liked you off and on form the time I was six till You asked me out in 8th grade. Dating you was sweet and innocent. We were friends, and you were amazing. However, I was always pragmatic, and as much as I liked you, I realized that we had different goals for our futures that would never align. Thus, I broke off our relationship. We are still friendly and joke around to this day. I wish you all the best on your engagement!


Dear L.J.B.

You were the other part of the off and on feelings for AH. Where he was sweet and kind, and maybe a little dumb, you were arrogant and self-righteous and a know-it-all. For someone who was lacking in confidence, you appeared god-like. Which is probably why I put you on a pedestal and was blind to all of your faults. I was awkward and my crush on you was obvious to everyone, especially you. You would taunt me and patronize me in subtle ways, and I couldn’t see that you were treating me poorly. It wasn’t until I finally started to realize your flaws and stop blindly admiring you that you began to actually pursue me. I am glad that I never dated you, you would have been toxic for me, and I’m already toxic enough for myself.


Dear L.D.B.

You were the hot new boy, and unlike the others, I wasn’t instantly smitten with you. Then I saw you walking down the hall while reading and my interest was piqued. You were and are a singer/songwriter, and you were my debate partner. When I got anxious and stressed during a debate, you would reassure me, and help me whenever you could. We ended up going to the same college, and you were my biggest downfall. I can’t put all of the blame on you, in fact, I am only recently realizing that you were my stumbling step. You made me feel seen for the first time, and I put a lot of trust in you. You got me into every drug I ever tried, I drank for the first time with you, and vaped for the first time with you. You were my first kiss, and I was in such a haze that I can’t even remember it. When high, I told you that you were like a candle in a dark room. I thought you were the candle, but you were actually the dark room. You cheated on me with my best friend, and never talked to me about it, even after she told me. But, you also took care of me when I was more than willing to die. When I wanted to die. When my self loathing and guilt made me feel like I was drowning. You broke me apart, and tried to tape the fragments together. For every good thing you did for me, you did infinitely more bad for me.... I wish I had the strength of will to completely cut you out of my life, but you are my best guy friend. You’ll always have my back. Right?


Dear S.B.

I always thought of you as an older brother. You’re good. Like, really really good. I’ve always looked up to you as someone I would aspire to be like. Any compliment from you has always made me happy and proud. Now that I have turned my life back around, and have found my way back to God, I see a lot more of you. We joke around and taunt each other all the time, and you make me genuinely smile. I rarely truly smile since... “then.” Being with you makes me feel more and more like the girl I used to be. I miss her. But the more we joke around, and the closer we get to each other, the more I wonder if you like me too. You pay more attention to me than anyone else in our group. If you have feelings for me, the way I have feelings for you, then I will have to reject you. You don’t know what my last year has been like, and I don’t want you to. I don’t deserve someone like you anymore. You are my sunshine, but I can only ever be your cloudy day. You make me feel so torn between affection and shame, and it eats away at me. I both hope, and don’t hope, that you find someone better than me. Someone complete and good like you.

To All The Boys I’VE Loved Before
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