Hi baby,
I know I haven't called you that in 8 months. I know we haven't spoken, and I know that you probably want absolutely nothing to do with me, but there's one thing I NEED to tell you: I am utterly, hopelessly, inconveniently in love with you.
Everyone tells me it takes time and that I'll get over it, that I'll get over you. No. No I won't. I don't think I will ever truly be.
They all say it's because I'm 17 and you're my first love, and even when I say that's not it, they don't believe me. That's far from the reason.
I may not have known it then, but I've been in love with you since I was 9 years old and I saw you get up and play Hayley's Comet by E-Rock on stage at our elementary school talent show. I thought you were the coolest person in the whole world. I was in love with you in middle school, I thought you were cute, even if we'd never spoken before.
It wasn't until my junior year of high school and your sophomore year that we began to talk, and from the very first moment you spoke to me, I think I was in love.
Everyone is probably thinking that this sounds exactly like what I prefer to call "first love syndrome," but I know better.
If it were as simple as you being my first love, I wouldn't have fallen in love with the way you lose yourself in the music when you're angry, or happy, or any emotion because you just love it so much. I wouldn't love the way you could debate political policies over coffee without running out of things to say even after 2 hours. I wouldn't love the way your eyes light up when you talk about the things you love, or the way you scrunch your face up when you didn't do as well as you'd hoped on your AP World History exam. I wouldn't love the way you sing Beatles songs terribly under your breath in the middle of the bookstore or the way you laugh like a little kid during episodes of Beavis and Butthead, even though I don't understand why you like it.
I wouldn't be in love with your soft smile and the way you flick the corners of your mouth upwards when you stare at me. I wouldn't love your smell or the feel of your leather jacket under my hands when we hug you, not the way my head fit perfectly into the crook of your neck or the way your lips felt against my forehead. I wouldn't have missed out on prom or be dreading homecoming because it's where we had our first date. I wouldn't be able to see that even with all your good qualities, you're still a dick, even if it is just a front. I see through the sarcastic charade.
You think you have to be the tough guy, and you act cold because of it. You don't need to be tough all the time to be a man. Just know that even now when you're a boy, you are 10x better than any boy that I know, and you'll make a wonderful man. If you were just "my first love" I wouldn't feel any of that.
And now you have her. She's 14, going on 15, you're 16 going on 17. She barely acknowledges you. You seem happy on the outside but when I get near enough i see the pain behind your eyes, because even you know that no matter how much mind you pay her she will never give you what I did. She's never going to know that when she's mad at you it'll shake you to the core and make you feel like the worst person in the world. She doesn't know about your late night insomnia or about how people have treated you in the past, and she will never be half as concerned for your well being as I am.
She would never put herself before you. I wish she would, and I hope she does, because you are the greatest gift any girl could ever ask for. I don't think she realizes that you're so much more than a boyfriend, or at least you were to me. You were my best friend.
You chased the demons away, you didn't care that I "walked funny." You were my sunshine and you were my home.
I lay awake at night because of nightmares, nightmares that you might hate me. I cry because even after 8 months, I miss the nightly "I love you so much, sleep tight."
You just left. You left me out of nowhere. And somehow, even though you're with her, you refuse to tell me that you don't love me. You hold me at arms length and look at me as if I'm you're world, yet you leave me be. I just wish I knew why. More than that, all I wish for, is one more chance for us, just one more. And somehow, I know that someway, I will get one. Because I love you, now and always.
Love,
The girl you broke, and the girl who loves you more than life itself
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