Search Results: feeling lonely pain

Firstly, I'm sorry, for putting this out there, trying to share my own burdan, my own screwed up problems, with a stranger. Secondly, I've asked girls, not guys and girls, because. I'm writing this in an attempt to be honest with somebody, anybody, for once, about how I feel. I can never do that out there in real life, especially with guys, I have this overwhelming, probably, but not entirely, self-imposed, pressure to be "a man".

So yeah, basically, I'm lonely. I've been trying so hard for so long, and I haven't given up yet, believe me. But, all my work, all my efforts, only ever seem to land me a little closer to nowhere and a little more alone. I can never quite get people to understand me, or where I'm coming from, or, where I want to go. My dreams and ambitions don't revolve around money, my thoughts, my ambitions seems unarticulable, maybe I'm a freak, I don't know? I feel completely alone, confussed, trapped and to be honest, terriefied - terrified of me. I don't want to be me anymore, anyone else but me. I have so much pain that I've buried deep inside since I was 6 years old. I've never felt a hug, I've never held someones hand, and more and more I find myself sat alone thinking; "I think that's all I need", just a hand, in mine, from anyone, just for a minute or two. Maybe that makes me wierd? Maybe that's too much to ask? I don't know?

I care about people. I've never really known how to be affectionate, I'm not the sort who'll come straight up and give you a hug when you're feeling down, but I will always notice you, I'll always figure out how you're feeling and I'll always adjust myself and make time for you and I'll be next to you, comforting you as best I can, often with a bad joke - maybe that's why I'm so alone now? I don't know? I always put others first, and I've always tried to make them happy, but I did it quietly and subtely, so they often wouldn't even know I cared, when in truth I cared so much it hurt, really bad.