Search Results: hurting her during sex

So me and my ex boyfriend have been together for 1year. We have both always been there for each other - doctors appointments, his surgery, he also helped me lose weight and get my drivers license. Occasionally we were having small stupid disagreements like about what I should wear, drama with his friends- he has always kept our relationship private. He was also in jail for 3 months. he was talking to me everyday saying how much he loves me and misses me and was talking to me about future plans. i was also visiting his parents house and him in jail. he knows I’m loyal to him and would never cheat on him.
Now as soon as he came out of jail, he began to act a bit differently: we were fighting more often (about what I should be wearing, my diet, and finances. 4 weeks ago he began talking to a mutual friend of ours whom recently broke up with her ex. I stayed home then he went out. So I was online after and suddenly this female tells me that she’s on a date with my man. I freaked out and was phoning her and my boyfriend then he separated with me cuz of that, yet he still has me staying over at his house cuz he wants to potentially fix things between us. He also tells me that he’s using her to show her off to our group of friends cuz he doesn’t want people to suspect that me and him were/are ever together cuz he was away for 3 months. Yet he talks to her everyday and is having sex with her and stays overnight with her on weeeknds... and he's with me during the week... he also says he doesn’t have those kinds of feelings for her and that she’s too tall for him. Now he also tells me that he prefers her in the sense that she listens to his fashion advice whereas I don’t always and she also cools him off when he’s hot whereas I don’t... he says it hurts him how someone whom he's not in love with does these things and I the girl he loves me, doesn’t... he also tells me that he would end things sooner than later with her if I show him improovements and be a “good girl”

After further analyzing myself more as an adult on why I acted in such an awful manner at an early age, I came to the conclusion that I was made, not born. I recalled that until my 7th b-day (according to my father, the would be the last time I would ever smile for real), I was into playing with dolls and eating ice-cream with my friend.

3 years later my parents were arguing nonstoppable as I was in major trouble:
At the time my father blamed it all on my mother. He said (as he was in tears and very upset by then) ''She was a normal kid, you made her into this, now she's gonna lose her childhood in detention, all because of you, you biotch''. He went on saying that if she had been a guy, he would have already punched her. My parents were divorced since my toddler years but I would still visit both of them. My mother accepted the blame and even said ''I ruined her''.

Possible explanation on my destructive behaviors:
I would stay with my mother from Monday to Thursday and half of Friday. There was a time she would come home drunk and lie about working a double shift. I knew it wasn't true. Many times, she would bring home a different drunk man and have sex on the couch. Sometimes she would step out and leave me alone with him. I lost count of how many times some of these men would grope and touch me. One of them would creep into my room and watch me.
Sometimes my mother was an angry drunk and well that was very bad news for me. It would mean I had to take her rage. During the time, I used to hang out more on the streets by then.

I would never smile again and if I did, it was only after doing bad things. It started on my school cafeteria, where I purposely tripped a classmate by leg tripping him as hard as I could. Then I stood there smiling (not the same smile as the one my father knew me as) as he fell down, got hurt and started crying. That was the beginning from there. I was by then a different child.