I will try to keep this as concise as possible. Never have any of my relationships ever worked out.
For me, my career and being the most famous, well respected, and knowledgeable person in my field. That is my greatest aspiration. I don't want to be "just famous" but so famous that I literally change the next generation. I know weird, but I don't want to get into what I do currently which would explain what I do and why I want to do it.
There are special girls and then there are girls who send lightning through me. I find that when I truly find someone special I fall head over heels for them. I literally think every other girl is the most hideous person in the world except for her. That has only happened to me about 3 times in my whole life. Then there's that "lightning girl" that sends a lightning bolt through me with and that annoying part of my brain in the back of my head that won't shut up saying, "She is a one in a million." I'll call.
Now some of these girls are special, but there are fewer girls who send shivers down through me who make me stop dead in my tracks.
My first girlfriend was forced to break up with me, because her mom was a Tiger Mom. My ex and I really adored each other and even after three years she still really loved me, but then one day we were playing a game and well I told her the truth that I've moved on (this is a super condensed version.) One month long. She was special.
The second one I was forced into the relationship. By no means was she a terrible person, but just not the type of person I would date. I was at a summer festival and when you have all 97 adults and other campers with you egging you to do it... yeah. Hard. Three months long.
The third one she broke up with me because she was having some extreme family issues and we were doing LDR. We dated for two months in high school then 4 months LDR for college. She said that LDR was way too stressful and her family issues were getting to her hardcore. 6 months long. She was very special.
The fourth one I broke up with her, because I didn't truly love her. I did it cause I felt bad cause she was crying and I tried and tried to love her, but I couldn't. I definitely was not the good guy, I know. I wish I didn't do that. Seven months.
The first girl who got away that I felt like was not necessarily an LG but she was more than special. She got away cause I was too nervous and I think she was interested in me too, however she went with another guy, but I'm not convinced she truly liked him. I could be wrong though! Anyway, even if we did "date" she was from a different country. Very special gal.
The second girl I met during the summer and she was beautiful and smart too, but she was from a different country. I eventually found out that she's really... extreme in her political views, but her and I did really like each other during the summer.
The third girl I met in college. Now she wasn't that special, but she was a person that I could see that I really enjoyed being near every single day. Unfortunately, I was transferring out, so that was shot down.
The fourth girl I met at a summer festival. I think she liked me, but I definitely liked her. She was an LG. However, she had a boyfriend and so I kept my distance. Didn't want to stress her out if she did like me, but had a boyfriend.
The latest one though (we'll call this person... Mave) is perhaps the most special of them all. The one that literally sent shivers down through me (a jolt, if you will.) When I first saw her I was completely speechless. I had to force myself not to stare at her. Just my whole body and mind said, "You need to talk to her. You've missed out on so many girls that you regret, but I promise you if you don't talk to her: that will be your biggest regret." That's the only way I can describe it. After a couple of days I mustered up the courage to talk to her and ask her out. That night I don't ever remember talking to someone who was as smart, compassionate, and beautiful as her. I remember laughing so hard that my cheek muscles started to hurt. I've never had conversation that made me laugh that hard with someone that I was truly enamored with. I said to her, "Have you ever laughed so hard your cheeks started to hurt?" She agreed and even said that the back of her neck hurts. We talked for hours and hours. From 8 PM to 6 AM. Then there's more, but anyway she's from a different continent.
Since my third girlfriend I've always felt like perhaps "the guy up there" is trying to tell me it's not my time. Cause, every time I find someone special who I say, "She can be someone who inspires me to be my best" it gets shot down with plagues of inconveniences and after Mave I have totally felt defeated. The most telling is that I always seem to find a girl near the END of something. It's not I'm purposely trying to avoid them. It just pans out that way and then the kicker is that they live on a different continent. I don't want to let Mave go, but I know it's something that I need to do. I'm sure I can still be friends with her and I'm glad that I got to spend that night with her. That was genuinely the best night of my life (also we didn't have sex. I'm not really into sex) and if I could relive that moment again, I would. I'm sure there are plenty of other fishes in the sea, but I've seen thousands of girls and none were like her. It's going to take another thousand.
For me, I'm just looking for someone who is extremely smart, intelligent, passionate, and is willing to push us to study our hardest to reach our goals. Looks are important, but I'm not asking for a 10/10 Russian Model, because whether I try, or not, a girls personality really factors into her looks. It's something I can't stop myself from doing. I know this is coming off as "I'm a nice guy" or "M'lady" hahaha, but I promise you I really don't mean to. It's just something that has been upsetting me over the years. However, if I do end up achieving my goals I would be ecstatic and think that it was all worth it, as long as in the end I still end up having a family. Perhaps when I'm older my goals will change, but as of 7 years and counting my goals have been the same. Perhaps what He's doing is his way of caring for me and trying to keep me on my path.