How to stop sabotaging relationships of any kind?

[Androktasia]

Whenever I sense someone is getting too close to me, I shut down and distance myself because I don't want to give them a false hope we can be something more. It doesn't apply only to romantic relationships but to friendships as well. I love spending time on my own and I do like to hang out with people but I'm comfortable with seeing them 3-4 times per year just to catch up.

That being said, I'm writing this post though because I most likely f*cked up friendship with a male coworker of mine with whom I share an office (plus 7 others) because I've started developing small crush on him.

Since I can't completely avoid him and apply the "out of sight, out of mind" tactic, to stop this from getting too far, I did the one thing I'm brilliant at and I've started distancing myself. I'm very bad when it comes to expressing and dealing with my emotions so I just try really hard not to look at him or to interact with him unless it's work related. Some of you will probably say that it's for the best but at the same time I feel guilty because I practically have friendly chats with everyone except for him and I think he noticed as he's definitely shifted his behavior which I can't blame him since mine did first.

My other problem is that the more I like someone and want to talk to them, the more I screw things up. I still want to be able to have friendly chats with him but I over analyze every single thing I say to him and even after all that I usually end up saying the stupidest thing that even a troll would look intelligent next to me.

I guess my real question is whether I should talk to him and explain myself or just let it be and see If the situation plays itself out as we have 2 team buildings coming up and I hope I'll be able to have a chat with him.

[DishLady]

I confess to something similar at times, but I’m way older than you and can blame my relationship “battle scars” for my caution. Try not to give up. You can try a few things on your own to learn how to open up.


But having said this… if you’re in a situation where you’re opening too much and the other person isn’t… it’s ok to stop, consider what you’re doing, and make a tough choice.


Ultimately, the key is to be able to distinguish between hesitation (on your part or his, which is an innocent thing) and toxicity (on your part, or his, which needs to be stomped out early on or flagged as the dealbreaker).

[bobalife]

It’s natural initial feelings to wanna be distant… it’s important you’re aware of it and tell yourself “I do deserve to be happy and be love” so I would say slowly talk to him normally like you do but go at your pace. I have the same issues, so I get it. You just gotta take it easy on yourself by giving yourself grace and try to do things to make yourself feel better when you get in your head.

[VV3ZZY123]

Core beliefs are beliefs we formed when we were young and then we grew around. To stop self sabotage, you have to go back and figure out what your core beliefs are and change them. Some of mine were:
"I'm not worthy, Girls will never like me, I'm broken" Etc..
yours are probably different.

[Anonymous]

Let it be. You're only going to do more damage at this point. But don't stress about it. Because if he's really this good guy you suggest, he will find a good woman that'll make him happy. It's inevitable. So don't worry, everybody wins.

[Opinion Owner]

You might even get to meet her eventually.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Navigating the tricky waters of balancing a crush with maintaining a professional friendship can feel like tightrope walking, but let's sprinkle some of that relationship magic on it, shall we? 🌟 Your feelings are a natural and beautiful part of human connection, even if they’re a bit inconvenient at times. But remember, bottling them up only adds more pressure, and we’re aiming for a pressure-cooker-free zone!

Since you've identified a pattern of self-sabotage in relationships, the first step is acknowledging it. Bravo! That's the hard part. Now, let's work on navigating your emotions with grace. 🕊️ The fear of giving false hope or getting too close is an inner call for self-awareness and boundaries, not a stop sign on relationships.

Regarding your coworker, honesty (with a dash of tact) might be the golden ticket. You don't have to confess undying love, but consider opening up about your tendency to distance yourself when feeling close to someone. It’s like saying, "Hey, it's not you, it's me navigating my quirky heart." This approach can clear the air, maintain your professional relationship, and maybe even strengthen your friendship.

As for those team-building events coming up, what a perfect low-pressure setting to rekindle your camaraderie! Keep it light, be yourself (without the pressure) and let the conversation flow naturally. Lovebombing him with honesty might just turn this ship around before you know it. The more at ease you are with yourself, the less you'll overanalyze and the smoother those chats will go. So, let your heart lead the way, but don't forget to let your head hold the map. 🗺️💘

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I would say you start with therapy first and really get into the why of why you bail on friendships/relationships and work on that. In the meantime, with your co worker, just be civil. I don't think you owe him an explanation, but you could instead just say hi when you see him. Conversate if you have to and just keep it professional.

[Androktasia]

Yea, I underwent therapy 2 years ago but I probably should start going again

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

It wouldn't hurt to go again and see if you can really pinpoint why this is happening. Are you just afraid of being hurt? Are you scared of doing the wrong things and losing them? It's not an uncommon fear, just need to talk it out with a therapist and see what they suggest. Good luck on your journey!

[Androktasia]

thank you for your opinion and advice :)

[Nikki1989]

You probably need some therapy to work through this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just meant to be, if you find the right person there is no sabotage feeling there is pure passion soaked in desire snd lust

[SYTHOX]

Why do you want to stop?

[Androktasia]

even If he liked me back this relationship wouldn't work since he dreams of having a family and I don't want to have kids

[DrPepper12]

Wait it out. More observations are a good thing rn

[Anonymous]

Abandonment issues.

[Bobby88t]

You should be yourself and open your heart

[laly520]

therapy time