Why does my friend defend her toxic boyfriend no matter what?

[Anonymous]

One of my best friends is in a toxic relationship. I know it's none of my business, but she calls me crying ever so often telling me he hit her or confiscated her phone. So she makes it my business.

Her boyfriend has serious jealousy/control issues, is unkind to us, and none of her friends or family like him. But when people try to gently point these things out to my friend when she vents to them, she denies it to death and says he's the kindest, most wonderful person ever.

No one feels like they can get through to her. She won't hear ANY criticism of her boyfriend even if he's rude to us or her. She is in denial of who he is. My friend wants help from the people around her when they fight and break up constantly, but she is so defensive over him being a "good" person that she won't accept the help.

Why are some people in denial or defensive over their toxic partners? What can I do when my friend vents to me?

[Finchie40]

Sadly because there are a lot of people in this world , that do not have any common sense when it comes to being in a relationship with someone that is toxic to them , they are sadly blinded by it , and think it’s normal to be treated that way , they get off on the drama and toxicity. Your friend sadly lacks common sense , she doesn’t want to admit that her so called boyfriend is a piece of shit , because he pretty much has her wrapped around his finger, she is clueless to his toxic manipulative behavior, she gets off on venting about him to you , because she feels you will listen to her , but any advice you give her? Will go in one ear out the other because she can’t handle the truth about her boyfriend , she thinks she is the problem and her boyfriend isn’t the problem because he has her so wrapped to believe she is the one that is in the wrong , when really he is the one that is in the wrong , she is sadly blinded by his behavior , he probably tells her that all of her friends are just jealous of their relationship together. I have witnessed so many girls’ and guys’ run back to their toxic partners’ because they do not want to admit that their partner is a toxic partner , The next time she reaches out to you to vent to you? Just tell her you can not give her any more advice , just tell her it’s your relationship and your choice , I can no longer give you advice because every time I try , you do not listen to my advice , so please do not call me anymore if you are going to talk about your boyfriend to me , figure it out yourself. I’m sorry to be this way but I have my own personal problems to figure out. Hopefully your friend will get the hint to leave you alone and understand you no longer want to hear about her relationship. If she doesn’t? Just change the subject or ignore her phone calls to you Hopefully she gets a wake up call to end her relationship with this guy , but if not? It’s no longer your problem and you no longer want to be a part of it.

[handsomelad70]

Some folk of both sexes think a toxic relationship better than loneliness.

[TommyMountainFigure]

She has become so reliant on him that the fear of being alone outweighs her fear of what he might do to her...

Bottom line is, she is suffering from abuse and the only person who cannot see it, because as in your question.. she is in denial!

What can you do? Other than finding a way of scaring him into behaving himself, nothing. Just be there for her, and constantly try and make her see she is a victim of abuse, but without actually saying it.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Thank you for MHO

[PizzaDaddyo]

She will defend anything, even a scumbag? She never had a real man. Or she is immature and isn’t ready to control her own life and lets other people run things for her. She doesn’t see this as a problem as much as you do. In fact she is stuck thinking she is the solution and may be convincing her self that she can change this guy. People don’t change. It’s not like you can also walk up to this dude and say, “Look man, you’re being mad toxic in the relationship. You have no respect for women. Knock it off!” And he says, “Okay. I will.” Then he stops…
Lol that’s not going to happen and if you did work up the nerve to say something it won’t be good for you if you know he’s toxic. If He’s toxic to her he’ll be toxic to anybody. toxic people will either deny you bringing this up or, even worse, he’ll say the “Okay, I will…” then takes it personal and feels hurt and may react with more violence on her or possibly you. So refrain from getting involved with him as far as her safety is concerned. The best thing you can do is keep yourself calm and respect and accept that she wants to continue this.

[Amara_09]

She is blind that’s why.


I would never defend any who’s toxic regardless of who it is.


If I am dating someone, you better act right because I don’t like lying to those I care about. If you toxic, you Will definitely hear it from me

[DishLady]

Some people are just idiots and don’t think enough of themselves to think about leaving a bad situation.

[Paris13]

Bottom Line, It is Fine For Them to Criticize but no one else. Just be supportive. xxoo

[OddBeMe]

It’s common in abuse victimology, A, they don’t want to be seen as victims or not in control, B, they depend on their abusive spouse- or are brainwashed to think they are.

[ProbablyClueless]

She's in an unhealthy relationship and trying to justify it.

[DrPepper12]

She's a fool in a dangerous situation. Get her OUTTA there

[itsclearlynicholas]

Ah well. None of my business. Some things are just "I don't wanna deal" and maybe that's the reaction best 😶‍🌫️😐

[SotiCoto]

If her boyfriend was toxic, wouldn't she be dead? Or is she like a mongoose, and highly resistant to his poison?

[dustybiker2]

Fear of being alone, probably.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Victims don't always realize how bad they have it.

[Anonymous]

She is probably living in fear.

[exitseven]

Love is blind

[NetherlandsNar]

Just like my 18 yo friend who is seeing a 56 year old man. Sure.

[Joshgag2000]

Because she is in love