If you haven't read Part 1 of this story, you can view it in the link below. If you already have, feel free to skip on ahead:
To marry or break up: A decision I can't decide!
The "Talk"
I have taken the advice of many on this site from before, including the trust of my own intuition to have the "Talk" about marriage with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she as of a couple days ago already had plans in mind by pushing my away emotionally regarding that subject. The following arguments we had for two days prior to yesterday, while uncomfortable and very emotional were quite insightful because we both spoke up about what we felt was missing from the relationship and what we could do to improve on it. To think I consider myself a relationship expert, yet my girlfriend felt very much neglected, in a romantic sense.
Girlfriend's Point of View:
The majority of you were correct; she still unconditionally loves me, despite all the mistakes I've made in the past with her. What she told me, did help clear my mind of what was going wrong in the relationship in her eyes. She told me that she felt like I was her robot; merely a best friend and nothing more. Sure, I've given her affection through hugging, kissing and sometimes sex throughout the week to show how much I mean to her but outside of that, I have done nothing romantic outside of an occasion like Valentine's Day and our anniversary, which made her feel like she was taken for granted. Anyone can do chores, anyone can hug you, anyone can spend quality time with you but to really show how much you appreciate your significant other, that can mean the whole world to them and I failed to show her that, getting too comfortable and letting the intimacy slowly die out. It did feel like a friendship and not the relationship we once felt so I took to heart what she said. The other thing is, I figured out why she waited so long to tell me about this.
I'm known to be an emotionally unstable person during an anxiety attack or if I'm feeling very stressed out. The last couple of times she wanted to have a serious talk with me, I completely blocked her out and played the victim card pinning all the blame to myself, every time I made her angry or upset which started the arguments in the first place. Because of this, she thought I couldn't take such a serious discussion so she put it on hold for months, years even, until she exploded a few nights ago which spilled the truth out of her. I felt really bad about it, not being able to see outside myself in this relationship we worked so hard to keep together. She felt unappreciated and unloved, not congratulating her on her first year as a teacher, avoiding the topic of marriage, degrading her passions of singing and drawing because of my poor choice of words to criticize her and not being the supportive man I was. She wasn't wrong about these things and I've thought back on everything she told me and they were true; I had pushed her away to the point where depression hit her hard and she couldn't bare it anymore.
And yet, even after everything I did to her, she didn't want to let me go...
My point of View:
Remember when I mentioned how I was afraid of marriage because of a lack of finances and being too immature for it? I had allowed that fear to control me and put our relationship on hold for far too long. After being exposed to living a poor home life for so long, witnessing my divorced parents and seeing the unrealistic moments of happiness from wealthy people, I couldn't bare the thought of what would happen if we lost everything we worked hard for financially, because I wasn't making enough money to help out? I was terrified of us, losing the home she worked hard to pay off and us, becoming homeless and her hating me for the rest of our days because I made the poor choice to marry her, not being financially stable. I had always thought that the happiest marriages are ones with people who loved their significant other unconditionally AND had plenty of money for comfort in terms of being able to pay for all their bills, health expenses and such, but...I was wrong this whole time...
Everything was already set in stone for marriage; I was just too blind by fear to make a move these past 9 years, afraid of losing my girlfriend when in fact, I already was...
The aftermath of the "Talk"
It wasn't a pleasant sight by any means, me shoving stuff off the counter, slamming the guest room door and crying uncontrollably, next to the bed as my girlfriend did the same out in the kitchen. I couldn't control myself; I felt like a monster for not seeing this sooner and being so emotionally destructive. After that I thought, "This is it. She's never going to forgive me and I should break up and run for it while I can because I'm not worthy to be her boyfriend, after all these years of emotionally torturing her...
But even then, she didn't want to see me go...
She knew I wasn't trying to hurt her on purpose, that I wouldn't intentionally abuse her like that. She knew I was a scared, little kid in my mind, who only wanted the best for her, even if my actions didn't always show it. I was just so consumed by self-hatred and fear that I couldn't see what was really in front of me. To think, even after all that time, my girlfriend still loves me. How could I let someone go who's seen the worst side of me, and still wants to be with me? That's true love right there if I ever saw it and I never wanted to lose her either. If I didn't care, I would have broken up and walked out that door but I didn't because my heart was still with her as hers was to mine.
When we calmed down, we both agreed that boundaries were to be set in place. She didn't quite feel comfortable with me so we slept in different beds and I'm currently trying to recover the relationship by being more romantic and thoughtful to her. I told her that I wanted to marry her and that I wouldn't allow my insecurities of finances and immaturity get in the way of it. Obviously, actions speak louder than words so we're trying to rebuild what we once lost. It's currently Day 3 of this and so far, she's been warming back up to me so we're making progress! Sometimes in life, you need to see the worst in someone to know what they truly want, for things to get better! I plan to marry her sometime within this next year so I don't put it off any longer. We both want each other, we both loved each other for a very long time and it's time to tie the knot <3
Thank you so much for reading this second part of the MyTake! It's been quite an emotional journey for us both and I'm sure we'll get our romance back up in no time! Results obviously won't be immediate but in due time, everything will be fine. It's time I put aside my fears and selfishness and look deeper into our relationship to make it healthier and brighter for us! I'll continue to update our progress later on but for now, you have a pretty good idea of what's happening. Thank you again and I'll catch up with all of you soon!
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