Search Results: focus on one girl

So there is this girl in the same year as me ( we both at third year in college) you can say whatever you want but am sure that it's love at first sight. I am so in love with this girl, she is the very first thing that I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before bed. Now the thing is I am more on the introverted side. I can't say that am total introvert but yeah am not very comfortable around people. Around her I freeze like have a totally brain freeze I can't think of anything to talk with her about, I only talk when there are people around us. So 2 years have passed and I thought this was going nowhere so I had to get some help from friends. They helped me a lot through this year and made me actually build the courage to talk to her almost normally and while talking to her I found that I was right about my feelings for her even more. Now I want to take the next step and actually tell her how I feel ( there is a very good chance that she can already since it though) but I have known from one of her friends that she actually doesn't think about stuff like that and she is more focused on her studies. Am afraid that if I tell her how I feel she is just going to shut me down and keep a distance between us or even start avoiding me. We going to start the semester soon and I really don't know what am supposed to do.

I know that my efforts used to be fairly inconsistent when I was younger but I've been putting in a lot of time & effort to improve at the things I care about and I can proudly say that I've been putting in daily effort with exercise & art for over a year since the pandemic started (I've been working on many other things as well)

With that being said, the progression has been pretty slow and I find that a little demoralizing because of my age. I'm almost ready to start performing music live again now that things are starting to open up where I'm from but I still lack the ability to put on a compelling show solo (I have hard time singing & playing an instrument simultaneously) so lucky I'm working with another person and I can focus on just one or the other when it comes to live playing.

My fitness and health has improved, I lost a lot weight and toned up since the pandemic started. I've been getting some compliments from guys and girls I know but still haven't achieved my body goals and as well (embarrassingly enough to admit) I still struggle with getting dates even with my improved shape and current physique.

I could name other examples of areas of improvement but I'll stick with those - my point is that I'm putting in all this time & effort into these things & besides the little fulfillment I get from maintaining & accomplishing these tasks I'm still not truly succeeding or getting what I want.

So it's got me questioning my time & effort because my patience is being tested, I know I don't have forever but I can't improve fast enough, I still feel powerless as if what I'm chasing after is forever outreach and slipping away.

I don't know what else to do other than try harder but I keep coming up short.

I'm curious. I expect my personal opinion be very uncommon. I would vastly prefer not to have kids. It's not that I don't like kids, I'm just kind of afraid she will neglect our relationship if we have kids. I have seen people divorce because one parent is so focused on being around their kids so much that they ended up losing interest in intimacy and didn't care about spending time with their spouse. That would honestly crush me because the only thing I really want in my life is a close marriage where we put our relationship first. I'm aware parents have to put their kids needs first, which is fine, but in terms of kid's demands, I would be pretty depressed if she would rather fulfill them than spend time with me. I would always put our relationship first, unless it is something necessary for our kid's mental/physical health, and only prioritize things that the kids actually need, not want. I don't think it would be fair to me if I was in a relationship where I loved her a lot more than she loved me and her goal was to have kids but mine was to have a close marriage (like the cliché 'true love' 😂).