Search Results: not able to see boyfriend

I came across this movie in which the description was that the main characters were learning to survive in a “post relationship” world. So I looked up what does post relationship mean and after diving deeper into that, I started looking at the topic of “relationship PTSD” I eventually landed on this article letting you know if you have relationship PTSD. There were a list of all the side effects one might expect from being hurt. I guess the key difference between regular sadness that your relationship ended and relationship PTSD is that the relationship in ITSELF brings the “victim” a great sense of paranoia. It all sounded so familiar. But the thing that stuck out to me the most in his article was that apparently, if you have relationship PTSD you can hardly remember being happy in your relationship. I can relate to that very much. When I look at other people being happy in there relationship I feel one of two things. Either I have this daunting concern that I am somehow different from women who are clearly more able to exist in a relationship-or I suspect that the love I witness isn’t real. I mostly see my last relationship as just one big painful memory held together by a few happy memories or moments. But when I actually stop to recall the times where I felt happy in my last relationship, I realize I wouldn’t have been happy AT ALL during the entire length of the relationship IF I knew the things that my ex boyfriend was concealing from me or even IF I knew the outcome that would come out of being in love with a man who cared so little about me as to ghost me after an entire year just to be with someone else. So in its entirety, the relationship seems like a fake to me. And it causes me to have a continued sense of paranoia even years later. And while I refuse to let my ex win any more and I think that I have recovered a lot of myself, I haven’t yet recovered the sense that when I meet a new guy I can accept that “this is reality” or “this is genuine.”

To make a long story short, my boyfriend has done some things in the past to break trust and has previously tried to lie/hide things in the past. (i. e. last week, I walked to the back door and caught him smoking a cigarette, which he hid from me at first and then didn’t think was that big of a deal). He was going through his email and I ask him about a dominoes order that was made at 12:03 am when I wasn’t with him. He doesn’t normally order pizzas for himself, so I asked him and he told me he and his friend sometimes get pizza when he goes over to his house, but it wasn’t delivered over there. I wanted him to sign into his account so I could see, he acts like I’m being unreasonable and is now being aggressive towards me. I’m on the spectrum, but am extremely high functioning and often convince myself at times I’m normal. I have meltdowns at times when I’m incredibly overstimulated that remind me I’m not. That’s where I am right now, crying and having a breakdown. Whenever I am like this, he offers no comfort of physical touch of any sort. He usually stares at me and wants me to leave, which is how he is now. He thinks I am ridiculous when I just want to be able to trust him and know he isn’t doing things he shouldn’t, like he has been before. I never ask to see his phone, but the few times I have, he gets defensive and anxious about it and turns on me. I feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I being unreasonable like he says I am? Thanks in advance.