Do you think relationship PTSD is real? And if so, how serious would you consider it?

[Anonymous]

I came across this movie in which the description was that the main characters were learning to survive in a “post relationship” world. So I looked up what does post relationship mean and after diving deeper into that, I started looking at the topic of “relationship PTSD” I eventually landed on this article letting you know if you have relationship PTSD. There were a list of all the side effects one might expect from being hurt. I guess the key difference between regular sadness that your relationship ended and relationship PTSD is that the relationship in ITSELF brings the “victim” a great sense of paranoia. It all sounded so familiar. But the thing that stuck out to me the most in his article was that apparently, if you have relationship PTSD you can hardly remember being happy in your relationship. I can relate to that very much. When I look at other people being happy in there relationship I feel one of two things. Either I have this daunting concern that I am somehow different from women who are clearly more able to exist in a relationship-or I suspect that the love I witness isn’t real. I mostly see my last relationship as just one big painful memory held together by a few happy memories or moments. But when I actually stop to recall the times where I felt happy in my last relationship, I realize I wouldn’t have been happy AT ALL during the entire length of the relationship IF I knew the things that my ex boyfriend was concealing from me or even IF I knew the outcome that would come out of being in love with a man who cared so little about me as to ghost me after an entire year just to be with someone else. So in its entirety, the relationship seems like a fake to me. And it causes me to have a continued sense of paranoia even years later. And while I refuse to let my ex win any more and I think that I have recovered a lot of myself, I haven’t yet recovered the sense that when I meet a new guy I can accept that “this is reality” or “this is genuine.”

1. It doesn’t exist

2. It’s a real thing but it’s not a big deal

3. It’s a big deal but it can be overcome

4. It never goes away

[Screenwriter]

Don't deny that you were in love. You were. It was real at the time.

What makes it feel unreal is that it was based on sand. There were many things you didn't know about this man that threw you for a loop. You thought you knew him, but you found out you didn't have a true picture of him.

How he treated you at the end of your relationship was very upsetting. It was clear he'd been in another relationship before you two broke up. So he was lying to you and emotionally cheating on you.

What you have to keep repeating to yourself is that, though painful, it was good this relationship ended because he treated you shabbily. At least this didn't last for years.

Now it's time for you to heal. Get some positive therapy to help you through this tough time. It might not be good for you to be seeking new relationships until you're thoroughly over this man and truly ready to move on.

It doesn't sound like you are. Good luck.

[havingfun101]

People can leave relationships, by definition.

[Asker]

I left my last relationship before he left me. I left bc he was gaslighting me and I couldn’t tell what was going on I just saw subtle cues that something was going on. I didn’t have proof of what he was doing the majority of he time but I could FEEL it that something was just wrong. He would behave so strangely and treat me politely but coldly sometimes. He would be very deep in thought sometimes when he would look at me I could tell he had a million thoughts running through his mind and a blank stare. If I tried to comfort him he would turn away from me. Around his own family he would treat me like gold and then behind closed doors he would invite me over to sleep together and then not speak to me the rest of he night. We stopped going out and on a few rare occasions it felt like he was seeing me for the first time in months. He would smile and say weird things like “you pretty cool you know that?” Or “you amaze me” at my small talk. It’s as if he didn’t realize how I acted despite how much time we spent together and how I thought we got to know each other so well in he beginning. Sometimes he would burst into tears for seemingly no reason and apologize to me for how he was treating me and say things like “I have sisters. I want my sisters to meet a guy who will respect them. I don’t want them to ever be with a guy like me.” I would obviously be confused and he would just say he was sad because he had “a lot on his mind.”

[Asker]

Over time, I felt oddly out of place. I felt disconnected with myself because I started to think that maybe he was capable of seeing something that was beyond my observation. Maybe I was incompetent or stupid because why was it so hard for us to simply WORK? When I actually did see something suspicious (his ex called his phone 4 times while we were making love)-the first time I saw enough evidence to piece together what was going on I left not because I was angry, but because I felt too uneasy. I felt out of place in my own relationship with him because he acted so differently and I finally had the smallest clue that something was wrong because I didn’t know my boyfriend anymore. He came back and asked for forgiveness and Promised to never speak to her again but I told him that that wouldn’t be necessary because she was the mother of his child (Which was also a lie-it’s a long story). But at the time I was under the impression that she was taking care of a child he loved at the very least and so I said it was unnecessary to cut her off and that I
Would go instead. And he cried and begged for forgiveness and promised to change and promised to stop being horrible. And with my list of evidence being so small, I accepted his apology. Not knowing the dirt he was doing until after it was already done. The girl he left me for was somebody I had never even heard of. I didn’t find out he truth until 6 months after we had not spoken a word. So it’s not as simple as “just leave.” I wish I had more to tell about his behavior but I didn’t find out what was going on during he time we were together until after we had broken up. He gaslighted me

[havingfun101]

From an anthropological perspective matarchial societies are necessarily primitive, so either of you may have been raised by a single mother, a 1/3 chance. Bursting into tears is a clear indication of a lack of emotional self-control. My dad was always gaslighting me and acting crazy so I stopped communicating with him and my mother abandoned me, so it's similar there. Marriage, cohabitation and childbirth are at all time lows. I'm perfectly comfortable alone, fortunately.
I don't have any advice as to how to get into a new relationship but you probably don't need any.
"We gained control of many things. But we had to let go of others."
-- Lois Lowry, The Giver