This is my first official G@G myTake post. This was originally going to be an answer to a question posed by @treselle asking, "Do men like needy women?" I am sure you can go visit her questions to find the other opinions posted in response, but after typing an essay, my response would not fit as I had exceeded the 4,000 character limit. It is a question I am passionate about discussing for a few reasons and so I clearly did not realize there was a character limit. So let's discuss embracing the people in your life that you feel are needy/clingy and ways you can accept them without pushing them away.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS NEEDY/CLINGY?
We probably have all had at least one person show up in our life that most would consider them being needy or clingy. We hear more about it from the perspective of guys thinking that a woman in their life is too needy. She's being super clingy and they can't handle it. Not only have I heard the complaints, but I've also seen the relationships that have ended because of it. So who is to blame for the relationship ending at that point? Is it the guy who couldn't handle a woman giving him a lot of attention? Or is it the woman that was so needy and clingy that she pushed him away? Perhaps the third option would be more likely...it is both.
While I know I am in the minority of guys with my answer to the question by @treselle, my answer is that I do like needy women. I hear the thoughts of guys right now screaming, "WHY?" So let me explain. Whatever the relationship is...wife, girlfriend, best friend, friend, etc...I have always embraced a person who is needy/clingy. For me, it is simply that I appreciate the actions of someone showing me that they care. This person wants to text me all day because they want me in their life. Or this person sends me cute little memes because they want to share things with me. Or maybe they send me a text to say that they are thinking about me and just want to see how my day was going. Or perhaps they know I've been struggling lately and send me a bunch of quotes or their own messages just to lift me up, motivate me and raise my spirits to help me get through. All of these are emotional needs that they are meeting and it fulfils emotional needs for them as well because they feel they are doing something special for you or connecting with you. I adore these things simply for the fact it shows me that someone cares. Someone is taking the time out of their day to show me I am important to them.
While I may like that and can embrace someone sending me a million messages a day, I am fully aware that plenty of other guys are not of the same mindset. A lot of times though I have seen a divide in their acceptance of a needy woman. They don't mind the woman being physically needy, just emotionally needy. That is where I am going to divide this conversation and talk about each for just a little bit, though I will focus more on the emotionally needy aspect because that is where it goes downhill. But up first, let's get physical!
PHYSICALLY NEEDY
As you can probably guess, the majority of men tend to be okay with a woman being physically needy. Being married myself, I can say my wife isn't exactly needy on either front. She doesn't really like to cuddle because she get's too hot and not a huge fan of PDA either. I personally am a cuddle whore and would cuddle all damn day if it was an option and I don't mind being affectionate in public. But I am certainly the more affectionate of the two of us. But cuddles, hug, kisses, holding hands, just soft touches here and there are all things that guys tend to be okay with their woman being needy for. By the way, to all the guys out there reading this, never underestimate the power of a good makeout session...not rushed just so you can get some, but a nice long makeout session. They really are the best. So of course the physically needy does include the sex. Unless the guy is gay or asexual, there are probably not many guys who would turn down the sexually needy part of a woman they are involved with. Let me clarify that I do mean their actual significant other. Now, there probably are some guys who can complain about this needy aspect as well, but my experience is that about 9 out 10 that would complain about it, complain mostly because they can't keep up with their woman's sex drive. But as human beings we all have this desire for physical contact in some way. Yes, sometimes those desires can be suppressed by traumatic events or other causes, and that is something you need to be aware of in any relationship. That subject is a complete different myTake though. Maybe one day I'll converse on that one. As for the desire for physical contact, I do love this side of the physically needy because it does not mean they are just physically needy for sex. While I know that there are guys that respect women, I am just going to put this out there as a blanket statement...GUYS - a woman's physical desires or neediness does not always mean sex. Do not assume and do not push them into something they aren't trying to do. But the end game of what physical needy looks like is not going to be much different from the emotionally needy. Someone being physically needy is a way to show you that you are loved, desired, wanted, cared for, and yes...NEEDED. Maybe I am wrong, but aren't all of those things the type of stuff we should want to feel?
EMOTIONALLY NEEDY
The emotionally needy is where we get the bigger split in whether or not we like someone who is needy. This is where all the texting all the time, wanting to talk on the phone all the time, craving your attention, and all those things comes into play. While the outcome should evoke the same feelings as what one would receive from the physically needy aspect, the divide is a lot greater. As such, I plan to focus a little more in this area. As I mentioned in the beginning of this, I have not only seen guys get mad at ladies for this, but I have also seen it end relationships. While they enjoyed their physical neediness, the didn't so much appreciate the emotional neediness. The one thing I always have to ask is a simple one word inquiry... WHY? Maybe I am one of a few guys who actually embraces this. Even with my friends, I want to be bombarded with texts or calls. Send me messages, cute and silly selfies, random photos, memes, quotes, thinking of you type stuff all day long. I get this may be annoying to some, but all this does is make me feel wanted and needed. Someone out there really cares enough to take time out of their day to message me and try to put a smile on my face. I don't think it is annoying at all like some guys apparently do. Why would it be annoying to visually see someone care about you? Now, this is definitely not something my wife does, but as the hopeless romantic that I am, I will always try and send some cute messages here and there, just nothing overboard of course because I know it isn't her thing and that's okay. Sometimes you got to have boundaries and I'll talk about that shortly. But here is what I hate to see...well hear technically...is when I have a friend who says she is too needy. I always ask and almost always hear the exact same thing. The dialogue goes basically like this in every instance...
ME: Why do you think you're so needy?
HER: I don't know. He told me I was being too needy. (*side note - the "I don't know" is usually a clear indicator that the current self opinion is not of her own making.)
ME: Who told you that you were being too needy?
HER: My *insert boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife/best friend/whoever here*
ME: Why did he think you were being too needy?
HER: Because I texted him all day. I just wanted him to know I care and was thinking about him, but I also just missed him and just wanted to feel close to him.
Guys! I say this with all due respect, but seriously, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK? There is sometimes a need for boundaries as I said, but don't go tearing down your woman or your friend or whoever. Have a talk and set those boundaries out if you need to but it can work. Do you not like when someone is giving you attention? This is the very reason I embrace someone who is considered needy or clingy. I want those people in my life because it does make me feel good to know I am wanted or needed. It lets me know that someone cares about me and I am on their mind. Literally, the end result of this type of neediness is the same as physical neediness. It shows that someone loves you, desires you, wants you, cares for you, and again...NEEDS you.
For me, I say this...BRING. IT. ON. I know, however, I am not in the majority of guys on this issue. So, that said, here is why I hate what happens to those who get beaten down (emotionally and hopefully not physically...you have a whole different set of issues if it that's physical). You now have someone who was carefree, happy and thought there was nothing wrong with showing you attention and showing they cared. Perhaps now they have been berated and belittled over being "annoying." You may have enjoyed them being physically needy but when they are emotionally needy it just becomes "annoying" and that isn't fair. Now this person is afraid to be themselves because they don't want to annoy you and you have created a totally different person. This even carries over into future relationships because they don't believe a person that says it's okay to text as much as they want or whatever else. They say okay, but never open that door back up. Maybe that door can be unlocked deeper into the relationship, but it will take a lot because they don't want to "annoy" that person either, even though they are completely okay with it. They may never open that door and it could potentially affect them long-term.
But this is fixable. You can have both the physical and emotional neediness exist, but it has to be balanced for both of you. This is where we have to talk boundaries...
BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are a way to create a balance of letting someone be exactly who they are but creating a point at which they can know is too far for you. This is an issue of compromise however. You have to give a little, just as much as they do. You can't expect to draw a line that isn't fair to the other party and is simply selfish on your part. We know by now that I am the kind of guys that will say you can message me a million times...even if I haven't responded yet. Seriously, flood me with texts, relentless message me on Snap, whatever. However, do I have a boundary? Yes. For me, I don't need to limit someone from being their true self. I want those in my life to be free to be exactly who they are. My boundary though is fairly simple. I may not be able to respond right away. I may be working. I may having dinner. I may be playing with my kiddo. It doesn't make the person who is "being needy" any less a priority to me, but I do have other obligations and priorities as well. So, they have to learn patience. That's all I ask. You can send me a million message and I will read every last one of them as soon as I can because that person deserves me to do just that for sending them. I respect their time with my own. I will respond to every message that needs to be responded to, but they will have to be patient and wait for those responses as time allows. In this case, I am not saying they can't send me anything or that they need to stop sending me so many things. I'm saying send what you want, when you want, but be understanding that I may not be able to respond right away.
While my boundary is fairly simple, others might have to take some deeper measures to find that balance. It honestly will vary from couple to couple because each person brings a unique personality to the table. You may have a boundary that was simple for one person in the past, but may need something a little bit more for someone you are with now. The thing about having the boundaries conversation is that it replaces conversations that are negative and damaging, with something that is constructive and can actually be relationship building. That's what you want to do, especially if you do care for the person you might think is too needy. Don't overthink the boundaries, and don't be too selfish when setting them. If you keep it balanced and fair, the result can be one hell of an amazing relationship.
FINAL THOUGTS
I know there are many who will have their own opinions on this. Many probably will think I'm crazy or just as needy for allowing someone to message me like that all day long. It's not about me needing that though. Yes, I love it because it is an action. Someone can say all day long they love you or they care about you, but words are meaningless. Actions are evidence. I don't need someone to be "needy" to validate me or anything like that. I have been through hell with an ex and I am stronger now than I ever was because of finding my own self-worth in me and not in others. It is just a simple act that visually expresses you mean something to someone. Find the balance and you will find something amazing. I welcome the opinions you all will share, but try to keep the hate to a minimum. lol Be constructive, not destructive. Wishing all of you a happy future!
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
Excellent take. I just want to point out the animal instinct that causes people to be put off by neediness. It’s like push and pull, that dynamic is always at play. Even in love... but if a romantic love is strong enough that can be transcended completely
Very awesome point! It is definitely a part of the push and pull. But that is why the boundaries and compromise is necessary!
So what if they are needy. They care!!
That's exactly the point! They are just showing they care.