Search Results: bad boys, nice guys

When I was a little kid my older sister would yank the hair out my head ( yes she literally pulled my hair out) and pull my hair. She'd pinch me, hit me, punch me in my arm, push me, I have a memory of her hitting me repeatedly and me crying and sobbing uncontrollably because it hurt so bad. She'd yell at me causing me to sob and cry more. I fought back eventually and I scratched her all over.

my mother told me she smashed my finger in the drawer when I was a small child. After that she told me I was a ugly demon, when I didn't straighten my hair she told me that I look so ugly why don't you wanna look pretty? She had a long hair weave in her head and she was talking about how much better she looked then me. She doesn't do this to me anymore. She's nicer now but she barely sees me or our family. She moved out and no longer treats me like crap but still... I never felt like I actually grew up with her and we don't share the same bond me and my little sister have.

I keep imagining this teenage boy named Nelson. This sweet, innocent boy who loves to dance, be cuddled, plant flowers and loves being kind. He's short but he's so talkative and he's so beautiful. Then he gets abused or tortured by the world and by people he thought cared about him. He's crying, shaking and so hurt. He wonders if he did something wrong to deserve such horrible things to happen to him. I wonder if I'm actually Nelson. I see how innocent and loving Nelson is then I see him crying or being hurt in someway that really traumatizes him.

I wonder if I'm just Nelson and I'm pretending to be the male version of myself in my head. or he's someone either I used to be, someone I went to be, or someone actually living inside of me. Sometimes I actually believe maybe I am Nelson and when I write him maybe he's just me as a male. As a kid I used to imagine what it would be like if I was a guy..

do you guys honestly think I'm mentally sick?