Why does she choose to remain with a "bad boy"?

[Anonymous]

I consider myself a nice guy, I am nice just because it's the way I was raised...

I don't expect anything in return. I understand why girls like the bad boy...

I guess I don't understand why they stay...

I met this girl, She found me attractive, I am super nice, friendly to her, we flirt, she definitely likes me... loved my attention... We flirted, I did not chase her... She was chasing me, she really liked that... Because I guess she is not used to a confident nice guy...

I always go out on vacations, local events, games, hot restaurants...

She likes me, she would probrally love a guy who would do tons of stuff with her ( She had told me she would love someone to do all these things with, and is jealous of the girls I date)

She is with a "Bad Boy", he has muscles (I could take him though :p), doesn't ever go out anywhere, has a dead end low paying job, treats her like crap, makes her feel bad...

She had a chance to be with me, and she choose him... I just want to understand her choice...

Was her self esteem low? Did she feel like she didn't deserve me? She only wanted a physically good looking guy?( I am about a 7, he is a 9-10 TBH)... Does she not want to feel good? Likes feeling bad?

I know she liked me, but why pick the bad boy over myself? She must have a reason...

I don't really care that she chose him over me,

But I would like to know her thought or logic might be behind this decision...

[karennn]

This happens so often to most of my girl friends, and even though they never listen- most of the time I am usually going "I told you so."

1. Being too nice doesn't always seem genuine- Nice guys are too nice. No one can always be that nice unless they're a saint. They are busy being nice instead of being real, and women instinctively don't trust that. Bad boys "keep it real." Nice guys don't want to upset the apple cart.

2. Nice guys are predictable- Most people lead boring, predictable lives, so they're attracted to people who are exciting and a bit unpredictable. Bad boys are always a challenge. Nice guys are never a challenge. Predictable plus no excitement plus no challenge equals they prefer a bad boy.

3. Loving a bad boy is in our genes- Women are designed to nurture. However, instead of doing this with children, they often end up doing it with bad boys. They think their love will save them. Nice guys rarely need to be saved.

4. Women like to feel needed- Nice guys don't usually need "to be fixed." Bad boys usually do, so they become a "project." Some women think if they can "create" the perfect man, he will never leave them. Also, if they're busy fixing someone else, they don't have to look at what needs to be fixed in their own lives.

5. Nice guys want commitment- If a woman is afraid of intimacy, she subconsciously knows she can avoid it with a bad boy, since she can never get close enough to him to have to go there. A nice guy will eventually want a commitment, and that's scary.

6. Some women have low self- esteem- We don't feel comfortable with people who treat us better than we treat ourselves. If you don't think much of yourself, the bad boy is simply reinforcing your negative belief. A nice guy is treating you in a way you're not familiar with and that feels uncomfortable.

7. Bad boys are sexy- Have you ever seen a bad boy who wasn't hot? I'm sure there are a few, but they wouldn't be able to get away with half the stuff they did if they didn't look so good. Meanwhile, when a woman describes someone as a nice guy, she means, "He's not hot."

[Asker]

Good Post!

I am looking at #6, and #4...

This makes feel like she has low confidence, and would be lost living with a guy who has direction... I don't really need a girlfriend, I live my own life... and come to think of it she doesn't have much of a life... When I met her, I guess she wasn't used to a guy who actually made her feel confident and happy and that scared her...

[karennn]

Usually takes time for plenty of girls to realize what they needed all along and often times, its usually too late.

[Asker]

Yes, I honestly feel bad for them at that point...

Lost, lonely and confused... Yeah they will end up marrying another bad boy who wants to settle or maybe get with a nice guy... but then they will never truly be in love or happy...

She won't get a guy like me now... I am waiting to find a smart girl who knew that from the beginning... and didn't need validation or anything...

[karennn]

Ayeee, never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
She made her choice, so that's on her.
I am sure you can make a wonderful woman happy one day. Best of luck :)

[Asker]

Thank You :)

[CoralSun]

Do you even know this man to know that he's a "bad boy" or are you just categorizing him as one because he got the girl and you didn't? No offense, but maybe it's not that her self-esteem is so low but that she sincerely finds him more engaging, thrilling, adventurous, and overall delightfully intense. Maybe she and him have stronger chemistry than she had with you and all of your positive traits aren't enough to draw you in the way he draws her in.

[CoralSun]

Sometimes we just don't get the person we wanted. For whatever reason, the person we wanted has a stronger chemistry with someone else. Degrading him as a man and making him sound inferior to you to make yourself feel better isn't going to change anything. If anything, it makes you look like an ass on some level.

[Asker]

I don't know him, I just categorized him from what I have seen and heard of him...

He is tall, very muscular build, definitely not adventurous... He rarely went out to places with her, other than to eat... He doesn't treat her right, makes her cry, stands her up... It's just really sad to see...

I feel bad, because I really liked her... and she choose him over myself... Which is fine I guess... I just want to understand why... I am not degrading him, just calling him the typical stereotypical bad boy type...

Does she liked to be treated like that? Is she putting up with him just to show off she has a so called "pretty boy"?

[CoralSun]

You have no place or right to judge him. Trying to categorize him just makes you look judgmental and bitter like you need to convince yourself that you're superior. What they do together is not your business. I have to be blunt because your thought process is so unhealthy. Stalking their relationship and lurking to see what their experience together is like is not going to change the fact that she chose him over you and will continue to see him.

In all honesty, the way she likes to be treated is no longer your concern and none of your business because you are not the man in her life. You need to move forward and let this go.

[Asker]

I am definitely not superior, I am unsure why you are saying that...

Everyone is different, all I am saying is I think he is more of a bad boy type...

[CoralSun]

I'm just saying that's how it looks when you speak of another man as if he is inferior to you due to who he may or may not be.

Desperately trying to categorize him as a 'bad boy type' achieves what?

[Asker]

Just to summarize what kind of guy he is... Otherwise how do I explain who he is?

He is a good looking guy, who treats her like crap to what I have seen, does his own thing, doesn't care about said girl at all...

But she loves him, and I think she liked me too...(Which yes, I don't know for sure)

I guess she was on "break" when I was pursing her, and I asked her out... she hesitated... and then told me about her boyfriend... and she chose him... I backed off at that point... I stopped talking to her...

And this is when she started telling me about all her problems, venting to me, trying to get me to ask her out again... But still being with him... Literally having sex with the guy...

I don't know, I guess she loved him... and really wanted to make things work... But kinda liked my attention?

It's a long, messed up story... I am struggling to move on, I fell in love with this girl...

To top things off now, Her boyfriend dumped her now... And she is heartbroken...

[CoralSun]

Stop obsessing. Not healthy or productive and it has no point at this point. You're achieving nothing.

[Asker]

I guess I am obsessed, and struggling to move on... How do I do that?

It's not as easy as just finding someone else, or just stopping cold turkey... I really loved her...

Do you have any advice?

[CoralSun]

My first bit of advice would be to stop contemplating who this guy is and fixating on an identity that may or may not even be true. Accept that she just wasn't the one for you and move forward with your life.

[CoralSun]

Stop committing so much daily thought to them and the situation.

[Asker]

She is on my mind 24/7... I even dream about her everyday...

[CoralSun]

That's not healthy.

[outmyroom]

You're obv a better dude. I'll speak for myself here. I love bad boys esp with muscles like that dude. She's also probably not looking for a real relationship.

[Asker]

In her case, she has been with her partner for 4 years and she is 25 now as well...

I thought she is looking for a real relationship, she has admitted she would like to marry and start a family... So I am not sure if she is lying about that? What do you think?

Yes, he is tall, has muscles, abs, about 6-2... Gym muscles...

Myself I am fit, same height, I don't have the gym muscles, but I have a lot of strength from being a mechanic... I don't have abs either...

I know I am the better guy, but she would choose someone more physically attractive over myself?

It just doesn't make sense?

[outmyroom]

For a fling, he would be much better than you no question about it. But for a regular relationship, body doesn't usually matter, however for her it might and she wants a pretty boy. I'd def choose you but I'm not her and we might have different values.

[ak666]

How about choose a less attractive girl? There are a lot of girls who aren't considered attractive and receive very little male attention who, at least claim, have a sweet personality. There's a whole bunch of them out there if you want to choose a girlfriend more rationally instead of based on what you find attractive.

[Asker]

4 years is one hell of a fling...

Maybe she did lie about wanting to settle down then and just wants a pretty boy?

Weird girl, I did really like her... But I'll find someone a lot better...

So if a girl finds me hot, I can have a fling with her if I play my cards right... and if she finds my personality good, and myself attractive she will want to date long term...

[outmyroom]

Yes that's what I think tho as you can see by that girl some girls only want hotness in a Husband.

[ak666]

I suggest that rhetorically (not really saying you need to do that) because the basis of human attraction runs both ways for both sexes. Guys don't necessarily always choose ideal girlfriend material any more than girls choose ideal boyfriend material. Our instinctive sense of attraction doesn't always align with what we might put down as an ideal partner on paper.

It's what a lot of nice guys don't understand. Personality is not necessarily the most powerful force of attraction. The most undesirable girl with the sweetest personality who makes the most ideal girlfriend in the world isn't the one that ends up with Brad Pitt.

But understanding this can help you cultivate some qualities about yourself which will attract women more, if you can kind of embrace the idea that women are attracted to certain qualities which aren't always the things that make the most ideal boyfriend material. You can then become the ideal boyfriend that women want.

[ak666]

Why choose a girl who chooses that guy over you? Why why why? Because you're attracted to her, same as her to him. You might say she has a poor choice in guys but you also have a poor choice in girls if you fall for ones who don't like you back.

People don't choose who they like on any rational basis. Attraction is often a magnetic and instinctive force, and just as we have types of girls who attract us, girls have types of guys who attract them. If women chose guys on a rational basis more often than their instinctive attraction, we'd have a whole lot more gold-diggers.

One of the tests of a nice guy is how he does in a relationship. Thinking you'll treat your girlfriend so well from the outside is a lot easier than doing it from the inside and over a long period. You might be the genuine deal who is patient and good all the time, or find, in a relationship, that you start to lose interest and aren't quite the ideal boyfriend you imagined. Try to find one who is as attracted to you instinctively as you are to her.

[Asker]

That is true, I am a hypocrite...

I find her attractive, So I even ignored her bad qualities... "I would do anything to be with her" mentality.. and she feels the same way about him...

Good thought to think about...

That's true, I have no idea if we would make a good couple... I would like to think so, I make her feel good, confident, and the times we have had together she was happy... I know she is attracted to me, but I guess she is more attracted to the other guy... She has lost me now anyhow,,,

[ak666]

The trouble is that if she doesn't have a mutual physical/sexual attraction to you as you do to her, that doesn't necessarily lead to such a wonderful relationship if she's still going to be attracted to that bodybuilder type.

One of the things I'm thinking though is that sometimes you can *implant* physical and sexual attraction in a girl who might kind of be in a neutral zone. It sounds like you got the physical strength from being a mechanic, the confidence, and charm to show a girl a good time. Maybe all you need is to learn how to elevate that to a sexual level.

There is a point sometimes where you need to turn gentleman mode off. When the girl is bonding to you, warming up to you, and lowers her guard, sometimes it's time to make the move towards a more sexual or romantic gesture like putting your arm around her, grabbing her, pulling her close, dancing with her, kissing her (and when you kiss, make it a sexual kiss).

Execute this successfully and you can elevate [...]

[ak666]

[...] a relationship which is currently kind of at a friendly level to a mutual sexual and physical attraction. Perhaps that's all you need the next time you are having great fun with a girl.

[Brontosaurus]

I wouldn't be surprised at all if she comes around hoping you'll marry her in a few years, maybe with her bad boy's kid in tow.

Right now she wants the pleasure and validation sex with a hot guy gives her. She'll put up with the rest in the meantime. Eventually (probably), she'll start valuing other things -- the things that you offer -- more highly. By flirting with you and floating things out there like she's jealous of the girls you date, she's successfully kept you hanging around as her Plan B.

www.mirror.co.uk/.../nearly-half-women-relationships-plan-4323872

You sound like you're okay with that, so just stick around, be yourself, and there's a pretty good chance you'll wind up as an example of how "Nice guys win in the end."

[Asker]

Hell no, I am not her not going to marry her...

I am her "plan b", sounds about right...

I am being myself, but she put herself in this situation... At the end of the day the guy will dump her, she will be old and desperate...

I know I want a girl who didn't need the sex and the validation in the first place, I will find someone confident... I know these girls exist as well... there's tons of them!

[Asker]

I feel bad for the guy that ends up marrying her, she won't be happy with him and might have lots of problems!

[Brontosaurus]

Yep, that story plays out again and again in modern society. It is what it is. We don't get to make the rules.

You doing what feels right to you is the most important thing.

[Asker]

That just sucks...

[TheRebel69]

Because nice guys typically aren't nice guys. They're often judgmental, manipulative, kiss asses who are only nice to earn the favour of someone else. Typically the "Bad Boy" speaks his mind, doesn't care if he comes of as brash because he is confident in himself and isn't concerned with what people think of him and does what he feels is necessary to do as a man. And women respect that even if he has some less desirable traits. Typically women don't want a pussy because they already have one.

[Asker]

I agree with you, That is a good definition by the way.

I am not the typical nice guy though, I feel that stems from low confidence and being experienced with women.

I am nice, I am confident, I don't kiss ass, I am not a pushover, and I don't chase these girls... I feel like thats the biggest point, don't chase the damn girl!

[selmo93]

Might be the attraction. Girls think they can change a guy like that, they like the challenge. And it's attractive as it's dangerous

[Asker]

Yes it is attractive, even myself.. I am kinda chasing her because of the challenge I admit...

But after years of dealing with him, trying to change him, failing, and feeling really bad... why keep trying?

[selmo93]

Because at that point she loves him so wants to keep trying for that

[Asker]

So she loves him?

Like I loved her...

I guess that's the answer...

What happens when he breaks her heart and leaves her?

What will she do? Will she still be chasing bad boys?

[selmo93]

Must do to put up with it
maybe he won't as things go on in a relationship not obvious to others
she might do

[Asker]

To be honest I said that because they broke up...

She is apparently heart broken, but she seems happy in person...

She broke my heart, her heart got broken... I am confused because I like her, but don't want to be with her anymore... I am still trying to get over her...

[selmo93]

They broke up already?
And we'll people put on faces
guess you should move on then

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's badder than you think. Sounds like she was messing with you, so that speaks for itself about her character.

[Anonymous]

She thinks what she has, is what she deserves