Search Results: getting over, cheating boyfriend

So I (29F) just got back together with my on again off again boyfriend (29M). We use to date on and off for years. Sometimes it was a year sometimes it was less. Whatever the case, the relationship would end because I just stopped having the emotional connection to him. The last time we were together he was living with me. I just got out of a relationship and he was there for me to help move my, at the time, ex out. He then moved in that same day. We were together for a while but I woke up one morning and felt bad that he felt strongly for me but I wasn't into him anymore. Note, before he wasn't really a great boyfriend. He never really did things for me and I didn't like the input he had over my style and such. But I really think he's changed. My issue is, I don't want to be his rebound. He just got out of a serious relationship and he really opened up to me and shared his vulnerable side. We were just going to meet for drinks because we wanted to remain friends. I was actually seeing someone at the time that I was planning on having a future with, we were together 7 months, and was going to move in with him in August. So I am sure we both have that in common, fresh out of a committed relationship. My boyfriend at the time was being kind of paranoid because I did cheat on him Mother's day and he didn't like the idea of me going to grab dinner with one of my ex's. I told him there was nothing to worry about but once I had a few drinks it was a done deal. My boyfriend at the time was also concerned because my ex is a coke dealer and I was a recovering addict. Later that night I told him the dinner had finished but I didn't tell him my ex stayed for more drinks and we went out and we ended up partying with old friends and getting high. I am worried that my new exbf will freak out my boyfriend (former ex) and I am scared he isn't over his girlfriend. I feel like my current ex isn't over me so I am scared to think my former ex isn't over his ex

I love my boyfriend. However, I have grown to resent him over the nearly 8 years that we have been together, as he is mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. This I am certain. (ie: not long ago, I had to stay with him while my family had covid and I am immunocompromised. I started the mandalorian finale without him and he told me to get the fuck out of his house when he knew I had nowhere to go)

I’ve tried to talk to him about needing more attention/affection, etc. and he blows me off. I feel suicidal with how worthless he makes me feel. I feel I cannot leave because not only do I not really want to because of how much is invested and I love him, but I am also afraid of what he will do. I smoke weed (was just legalized medically where I live) to help with my Addison’s disease and aspergers/anxiety/depression. He’s already threatened me before with my own bong, so I’m afraid he might try to turn me in out of spite.

I’m not getting my needs met and I am drowning. I need to feel loved again after feeling hated for so long. I am not a cheater and would never cheat. However, I’ve been told I would be justified but I am not sure. Is this true?