Boyfriend went away for weekend?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend went away for the weekend to the seaside for his friend's birthday party. We were together on the day before leaving and we've been spending time together almost every day so we agreed it's good that we will take space this weekend. I asked if he wanted to stay in contact while being away and he said he didn't mind texting or calling but i told him since we are meeting the day you're coming back i would also take some time to meet with friends, go to fitness and etc and we will catch up when he's back. That night we had a talk about cheating and exclusivity and he said he had a past experience with his ex cheating on him and he's sensitive about commitment so if I'm going to be with me he values commitment and honesty. He said he doesn't want to date others and he expects the same from me as he values his relationships and wants to be committed in a relationship. We kind of disagreed a bit on that he thought i want to sleep with other guys and i assured him it's not the case. In the end he says he trusts me. Now that he's away though partying with his friends i get all these ideas that he might end up cheating in the end. As a couple we don't communicate much via texts mostly a call or two per day but we see each other a lot and he sleeps over even brought a toothbrush at my place and leaves some of his clothes to wash with mine. I actually trust that he loves me and he's thinking of me as he asked me before leaving to take a trip together one weekend the 2 of us. I have such an amazing time with him that i want to commit but i am scared of getting hurt. Should i reach out to him? He'll be back tomorrow night though and probably we'll see each other next day.

[Sheyhoney]

It’s normal to feel that way. Sometimes when you love someone too much you’re scared that they will hurt you and the trust you have for them. I actually think that the communication you guys had was really good for the 2 of you— setting your boundaries and what you expect. You are allowed to want reassurance that he won’t cheat, but I advise you to maybe text him something like “ hey baby, I hope you’re having lots of fun !🎊 I just wanted to let you know I miss you and I you’re always in my thoughts❤️ I was feeling a little down today, I can’t wait to see you again so we can talk ! :)” and talk to him In person that you were having those thoughts.

[ReneD13]

Just to make sure I am understanding everything here. You guys talked he said he wanted an honest and committed relationship, you disagreed?, and now you're worried he's going to cheat while he's away?

I'm just confused with the contradictions here, at least in my mind. I mean your fine with the label of boyfriend but not a commitment. I would have assumed based off of the labels in the relationship the commitment aspect would be implied. Sounds like you guys might need to have more of these discussions to ensure that you are both on the same page as to the direction of the relationship.

As far as reaching out, if you want to talk to him do it. I've never understood the hesitation to reach out to someone your in a relationship with.

[Asker]

No we haven't disagreed on commitment just we had different ideas on it and i am sort of more open minded but i respect that he's not. I actually told him i love to be committed to him but to be patient cause it's my first relationship and im also learning stuff. The hesitation is because i will see him tomorrow and i will give him a call so don't know what to text especially since he's away with the boys. Ofc he said he would love to receive my texts but i was thinking that he's the one who is away so he would have reached out if he wanted. Just thought some space would do us good, it's just three days away so i really don't feel like texting. I don't need to be reassured and we made plans to meet on Monday night. I am anxious as a person and sending this text might not feel like a big deal for most people but I'd been thinking about it and if he will reply so I'd rather call him on Monday as it's more direct.

[ReneD13]

Yeah I can respect being anxious talking about these sort of things, it's never easy to open up and be vulnerable not knowing how someone else will react. I initially thought it was just a regular kind of reaching out. I think the direct call on Monday is a really good call for something like this. Like I said I think having more of these conversations will really help you determine what this relationship is/will be. Communication is key as well as ensuring your values are the same.

[Asker]

Yes and im happy we are both initiating these talks. How do i deal with the negative thoughts that he's away having fun? Although he assures me of his commitment i can't help feeling insecure

[ReneD13]

You occupy yourself, that's typically easiest. Go do something that you enjoy doing, or have a friend come over and chat, anything to get out of your own head for a little bit. Insecurity is natural, everyone feels a bit insecure at times. You just can't let those thoughts be the only thoughts you have. Long term though you're going to have to figure out where the root cause of the thoughts, typically insecurity comes from within so you'll have to learn how to teach yourself that you are good enough for the right person. Unfortunately there isn't really a quick tip I can give you to figure that one out immediately, as much as I wish I was that good... I'm not.

[Asker]

I am doing that these days and try to control these thoughts as much as possible. I guess its a form of having control of a situation and low self esteem which needs lots of work.

[ReneD13]

Well recognizing it is a great first step. It's tough and I like I said there isn't really a shortcut to genuinely improving your self-esteem, but just try and make progress every day. I always shoot for being better today than I was yesterday in some way. It's important to focus on yourself and your own health sometimes so while your in the midst of figuring all of this stuff out with your boyfriend don't forget to make that a priority too because it will not only help you but the relationship your in and if unfortunately this one doesn't work out any future relationships too.

[CallMeDave]

Since it sounds like you're still fairly early in the relationship, I'd probably wait if you didn't make specific plans in advance about making contact while he's gone. It's not that long and if he's off with friends they might be busy doing things and if he doesn't respond right away, you might get anxious about what he's doing. You have specific plans to meet when he's back so I think I'd wait until then and he can tell you all about his weekend.