Search Results: compare myself to others

Far too often, I want to do- things. Very, very bad things. Lie, con, cheat, steal, batter, pound, slice, rape, dissect, pillage, murder, kill, destroy. And I increasingly find myself wanting to do these things to everyone and anyone, regardless of whether they've wronged me personally themselves, just to release these pent-up feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, powerlessness and unmitigated rage.

I used to be a nice person, and still make an effort to be one. I still take joy and happiness in providing it to others, especially those who I care about the most; but none are prepared to accept it, and all consider any help, comfort, solace or assistance I've ever offered, even when I gave them everything that I had to give and more, to be worse than worthless- I am always to blame for trying to help them, because I always fail to meet their demands to the letter, because they always demand more than any human being can ever provide on his own, and they are never satisfied, grateful, appreciative or anything besides resentful and dismissive of my offerings.

My purposes in life were to create, inspire hope, bring joy and provide affection; I am an abhorrent failure at all of these. All that I am attributed with is destruction; I am a focal point of despair, misery, pain and hatred for all those around me. But I have never intentionally done anything bad to anyone besides myself. Those mistakes which may have hurt or offended others were few, far between, and utterly insignificant.

And in comparison to the things which I now feel like doing, every single day? Nothing compares to those. Nothing. My boundless imagination is a curse. There is no act, no matter how heinous, evil or unjustifiable, which I haven't envisioned myself carrying out; nor any victim, no matter how helpless, young, old or innocent, who I haven't imagined doing it to. Only illegality and social etiquette, the knowledge that they're "wrong" and my self-control, stop me. Am I an evil person?