Search Results: feeling lonely friendship

See I've made some bad choices, and yes I view myself a bit negatively about that, I was curious if I spelled out what I view as some of my worse points to do with... Well, getting myself a boyfriend. If anyone on here would be willing to put that aside or not:

So I lost my vcard at 18 not long after I started uni, I wanted to get it over and done with. The first time typically hurts but at the same time I kept getting this echo of what if I get raped I wanted my first time done on my own terms. So I basically shackled up with the first guy who shown interest in me, it was mediocre wasn't good could have been a lot worse. There was a couple of almost times where I touched a D.

I didn't have sex again until a year later, guy 2 introduced me to sado/machism and made me realise just how much I loved pleasing a guy. A few months after that just before my 20th I had sex with a guy whom my friends told me I should get with, two quite toxic friends.

A few months after that I had sex with a guy at a party, he was the first guy I did multiples with, it lasted about two weeks and I stopped it when I realised just how little he actually cared. 6 months later new years and got wasted woke up next to a guy.

2 months later guy 6, and this is when I got a bit carried away. I'm pretty sure I was depressed I was at the height of a toxic friendship and I lived hours away from home. I felt super lonely and now I wasn't having sex for pleasure but rather comfort. I love my cuddles so I figured: give sex get cuddles, I did everything I could to get comfort and thought it's better than drugs or drinking all the time. Though at that time I smoked pot and drank lots. 3 months later the guys at work offered coke and thought why not maybe it'll make this feeling go away. Guy 7 was married, yes I knew and yes it was a little forced but I could have said no and I didn't and yes I'm pretty sure he would have stopped. Then in the space of 2 months I slept with guys 7-11.