In short, I was never really the guy with a whole bunch of friends and a slew of people texting me on my phone constantly as I went through school life. In elementary, I would say I usually had a reasonable number of friends and the students in the class were more or less the same going through most years, so people kind of knew each other well. I remember, even then, I had this 'empty' feeling, though - like I was kind of alone.
After the 6th grade, I was forced to move across the country due to the effects of the '07-'08 economic crash, as it seemed like there was a better opportunity there at the time. I went through 7th grade as 'the new kid' and, while I made some friends along the way, there was still this empty feeling coming and going, you know? In the 8th grade, I cried to my dad after the first day of school and he decided to put me in this alternative semi-home-school type of schooling.
When I came back to proper public schooling in the 9th grade, I still had a couple or few of my main friends, but I guess time kind of drifted us apart as they had each established different connections, so it'd be a little harder for me to situate myself back. One of them got involved in sort of a 'nerd' group during the 8th grade, and while I had been accepted in, I didn't feel like some of them were making too strong of an effort on me, so it'd be a long while before I felt comfortable in it. I was relatively shier back then (still kind of am, depending) and I would choose to walk alone during many lunch breaks as it didn't seem like they were actively trying to get me that much. Another factor was a lot of their nerdiness didn't really resonate with me.
Time passed, and I get better situated in the group, particularly during the second half of 10th grade. I go through the bulk of high school with these guys being my main friends, with some others on a more temporary or acquaintance level. Almost a year after high school ends, we start to have a falling out. It was honestly pretty stupid and a lot of it probably could have been avoided.
The thing is I made certain decisions and felt slighted in certain ways, so I stopped feeling comfortable going to our gatherings. I guess I have this insecurity where if, for once, I'm kind of on the spotlight about something, I start to feel like everyone would be antagonistic towards me and it's better to just stray away. Looking back at this, I wasn't totally wrong in the case of one person anyway, but I was probably exaggerating quite a bit. In any case, I stop seeing them IRL for months, and no one actively tries to get me back for the most part, so that further cements to me that I'm not wanted and it wouldn't be worth my time.
This purely online relationship that I have with some of them (and not even strong at that) for months on end leads to dumb and petty arguments - like the kind many of you would have with your friends all the time - being the straws that broke the camel's back, and I'm blocked off from basically all of them eventually.
That's it. Those were my friends. The last IRL ones, anyway (I had a separate online life I didn't go into here). Anyone else I knew from high school I lost touch with a long time ago with the exception of one, and I burned bridges with him as well as he was always quite an asshole. This falling out period was all during the year of 2015. I had no substitute social life for these people, besides some online friends at certain times, but even my online gaming life went through a comparative social drought to the way it used to be during the prime years.
My IRL life (and now life as a whole) has been very lonely for a long time. I've gone through multiple jobs and never seemed to actually make friends through them. There's people I can get along with, but ultimately they didn't care about having a friendship with me. I would try to make online gaming buddies out of some of them but there was usually an excuse not to play in the moment, or I would just get ignored if I messaged them. I could have maybe tried with more of them but my bad experiences already tainted my sense of prospects. I even tried getting out of my comfort zone and attending bars/clubs a little bit but, with the exception of one cute girl I ended up dancing and making out with, that hasn't produced much results, and even that one decent situation didn't lead to anything.
In all honesty, I find many people to be quite cliquey, especially going through life as a lonely adult now. It honestly hurts so much sometimes. I wouldn't say I'm always trying to make friends, but when I am, it's just not reciprocated, really. It just feels too difficult. It feels like most people just have their friends now and that's it. No desire for expansion beyond happenstance, and I get left in the mud for it.
I really am lost.