Okay, so I came across another #INCEL question (this one asked by a presumably self-labelled INCEL, but it was not specified), and frankly, the responses prompted this take. Some things need to be clarified.
Let me first preface this by saying that I don't like the term, and I never use it. I don't believe in labels. They're often just overly-simplistic, reductionist, mentally lazy shortcuts, dismissive and insulting. Even when they are intended semi-neutrally, they easily become weaponized and create an us-vs-them mentality. However this is all beside the point, because many of you do use the term, and I'm tired of the false associations some people try to make, attaching it to a #feminist root. So this article is about dispelling the myth that, "An angry, nasty female who was against men made up this term." Answer: False. But you're not convinced yet, so read on...
This is How [Some of] You See Them
This is More How I See [Some of] Them
But Yes, There's Also Some of These
Semantics & Etymology
Apparently some people still don't know what the term INCEL means. This surprises me, but okay, let's define it.
INCEL is an acronym for 'involuntary celibacy.' (The original referred to 'celibacy', not 'celibate.' See the [subtle] difference? It's a state, rather than a person or individual. But all right, let's not mince words. 'Celibate' it is.)
(And the original term, "INVCEL", was later shortened to "INCEL", as it was suggested it was easier to say.)
"The word used to mean anybody of any gender who was lonely, had never had sex or who hadn't had a relationship in a long time. But we can't call it that anymore." - Alana, originator of the term
And for those of you who seem not to know what the term 'involuntary' means - it is NOT a choice. It is a state exerted either by others, or by circumstance.
In lay terms, this means a person who does not wish, nor prefers, to be celibate (i.e. not having sex.) They would prefer to be having sex.
Examples?
- A person who has sexual desire, but cannot find a suitable or willing partner.
- A person who has a mental health or medical issue that prevents them from having sex.
- What it is not, for example, is a monk who has consciously taken a vow of celibacy, or a man who is consciously choosing to be single and not look for hookups.
Nor is it MGTOW
Whereas, a person who voluntarily chooses to opt out of any dating, romantic, and sexual relationship with females, is a MGTOW. (Pronounce this 'mig-towww'.) This person, for whatever reason(s) is choosing to abstain from sex AND relationships with women. It stands for 'Men Gowing Their Own Way.'
Often these men have had sexual experience, and their experiences with women are the very thing which make them decide to 'opt-out' of romantic contact. This may be a permanent state, or something that changes in the future, but the person has resolve, let's say, that for now, they want no part of it. (Sort of like, 'once burned, twice shy.')
The True Origin of the Term
You know what I'm tired of? The spreading of misinformation. But more importantly, disinformation. What's the difference? Disinformation is purposeful. It is never an accident. Misinformation is a mistake.
Disinformation is the deliberate creation and/or sharing of false information in order to mislead.
Misinformation is the act of sharing information without realizing it's wrong.
But... whether some of you are spreading mis-or-dis, matters little at this point. This information is easily found on the internet, but clearly many would rather create a different narrative that better fits their beliefs. But that's not how facts work, do they. There's no excuse for perpetuating falsehoods because you dismiss or refuse to be open to exploring and searching for truth. The only way to stop myths dead in their tracks is to debunk them, one by one. (So I'm doing a series on this - debunking myths.)
So Here's How it Actually Began:
Who: Yes, it was started by a woman. Her name was/is Alana.
When: 1997
Where: Toronto, ON, Canada
It's 1997. There's no Facebook, no Instagram, no Tinder or Tik Tok. Even MySpace is six years away. Alana is in her mid-20s and has just started dating, but she's having a tough time of it. She's feeling awkward and out of her depth. She wants a relationship, intimacy, and yes, even sex.
"It had taken me a long time. I was kind of a late bloomer. I thought, 'Maybe there are other late bloomers out there.' "I noticed people would talk about the 'lonely virgin' and make silly jokes about people who didn't start dating in their teens. Dating is hard and happens a bit later in life for some people. Some people need help learning social skills and that doesn't mean they should be stigmatized for that difference."
So What Does She Do?
She starts the website, 'Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project', "for those struggling to form loving relationships."
The aim was to create an inclusive community, embracing those whose sex lives had been marginalized for reasons ranging from rigid gender norms to mental illness or social awkwardness.
'Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project' is Borne
It was a simple, all-text website where she posted theories and articles, as well as ran a mailing list. “I identified that there were a lot of people who were lonely and not really sure how to start dating. They were kind of lacking those social skills and I had a lot of sympathy for that because I had been through the same situation.”
She described the site as "a friendly place." It became a forum for men and women to talk about being lonely, where they could wonder aloud about why they couldn't meet anyone.
Members of the site spanned all ages and sexual orientations (contrasting sharply with what the so-called movement would one day become.) “There were some people who were kind of socially clueless, some people who needed a bit of education and some people who had the attitude that women are objects. It was not virulent hatred; it was just ignorance and objectification. There was nothing like the hostility, hatred and misogyny that is happening now. There was probably a bit of anger and some men were a bit clueless about how women are unique, individual humans, but in general it was a supportive place. One couple who met on the site even got married."
““Holy shit, look what I started. It feels like being the scientist who figured out nuclear fission and then discovers it’s being used as a weapon for war.” - Alana
By 2000, Alana was moving away from the community, satisfied that it would continue without her. "I didn't notice what was going on because I wasn't paying attention. My dating life was going okay. I didn't want to think about my history as a late bloomer." Soon after her social life began to blossom, and she handed off the site to someone she didn’t know. It would be years before she would hear the term again.
Today
The INCEL community today bears little resemblance to Alana's site. When Alana started a website for lonely people struggling to find love, she had no idea the misogynistic turn it would take, later becoming linked to a community of hate and anger directed at women. The term – and the friendly community of lonely people she had once fostered – has morphed into a deeply misogynistic subculture that perpetuates not just anger, but also violence, rape, and even murder. (I won't reference the news stories but they are abundant and easy to find.) What was once a unisex, hetero/homo support group for all, is no longer.
The attitudes of today's males who visit the forums vary widely, but at their worst, they vent vitriolic anger against the sexually-successful and prolific (male: "Chads" and female: "Stacys"), and/or inaccurately and unfairly deride and label any man who defends or enjoys healthy, platonic, friendship-or-otherwise relationships with women as 'SIMPS'. (Notice how 'Suckers Idolizing Mediocre Pussy' exists, but never Suckers Idolizing Mediocre Penis', which also exists in practice, but would never get challenged.) And although I do not subscribe to the SIMP term either, I agree, there are certain males, too many (shall we call them boot-lickers, or do you prefer ass-kissers?) who dole out often-undeserved compliments, are the shoulders to cry on when the 'bad boy' broke another heart, and sometimes even send digital cash to these false idols. (Since when did flashing your tits - or more - on OnlyFans count as anything but opportunistic?)
Add to that your run-of-the-mill, general rants aimed at all women, and the blanket decree 'all feminism is evil', and you've got your sect of angry INCELS, uniting in their tribalism and staunch and misguided belief that the modern world is unfairly stacked against cis men. (If I was playing devil's advocate, I'd say aw, what's the matter, white straight males in America? Not liking the new power shift and subtle dispersion of power out there, eh? Well I guess the non-whites, homosexuals, and females finally had enough.)
However, before we place all the blame squarely back on the boys, I'll add that every single pink who answered the above-referenced question ('Would you date an INCEL?') as of this writing, save for me, gave a definitive and rather callous reply of, essentially, "No way in hell." Nice. Real nice. The blues also answered in kind - "No. Why would anyone want to do that?" That's quite the dogpile, people.
So to Recap...
Started by a woman in her twenties, as a support group for all (and especially the marginalized) who felt the sting and awkwardness of dating.
Now, 24 years later, has become a male-driven movement in which to corral their anger and resentment of feeling marginalized, dismissed, and undervalued.
But anger gets eyes. Eventually it becomes a term taken up by those very same females who are the opposition in question (aka 'the enemy.') By defining it, and organizing, an even wider divide in the us-vs-them gender war is created. (Which is exactly what always happens when one group organizes to gain recognition of a cause. It's textbook cause-and-effect.)
So... NOT of Feminist Origin. Okie dokie?
It was not an 'angry feminist' who started it all. It's actually male anger (and despair) that turned it into what it is today. It was never meant to be a euphemism for 'loser who can't get laid.'
She, Alana, coined the term to describe her experience and trouble with dating, and she created a support group for all.
And unless someone is a Groucho Marx disciple or enthusiast, typically people who assign a term to themselves, do not intend it to be disparaging. (Though there certainly are exceptions to that, from time to time.)
What Now? A: 'Love Not Anger'
Now Alana's starting again - looking for new ways to solve the same problems. In this vastly different online climate, she's created 'Love Not Anger', a project to research how lonely people might find respectful love, instead of being stuck in anger. "I'm hoping there'll be many people who take up the banner and work for positive change, for people who are lonely."
Footnote & References
In November 2017, Reddit closed down its main INCEL community, which had 41,000 members.
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