I think what we had last year shouldn't be considered a relationship. It would actually make me a lottt more open to being in a relationship with you in the near future if last year doesn’t count. I know I thought it was very serious and “special” at the time but we were just getting to know each other. I had the perspective of someone who had never had that kind of connection with anyone before and you had the perspective of someone who had “been there, done that” with several other people.
I took things too seriously. But, in my defense, spending weekends at a guy’s house and sleeping in his bed and spending hundreds of dollars to travel to see him on a regular basis is serious relationship stuff, to ME. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done any of that. But because I thought we were BOTH taking it seriously, finding out you still kept in touch with your ex girlfriend was a shock to me. I was like “What the fuck... Why are you in contact with your ex?” But at that point, I think there were still feelings there, whether you admit it or not. And it came across.
I think I only believed you when you lied to me about the depth and the length of your relationship with her because I wanted to think that, finallyyyy, I’d found someone who liked me just as much as I liked them and I always thought that when that happened, it would be like we’re just each other’s “person” and you’d easily choose me over anyone else because nothing could compare. But we had only known each other for like 4-6(?) weeks! At that point in my life, I still believed you could know someone is “the one” that quickly and then just live happily ever after. I was sooo excited that when I told my dad about you, he felt the need to tell me to not go getting married too soon and he reminded me of the motto “Assume 50% of what people tell you is bullshit.”
In hindsight, we didn’t really know each other. We met online, went on a date and had a few sleepovers with just cuddling, board games, movies and pancakes. When I was trying to choose a therapist to help me through the aftermath, I had TWO of them ask me why I was so stuck on a month-long relationship. I didn’t have the words to explain what I had lost.
To be honest about what we were to each other: we were friends for two months and for one of those months, we told people we were boyfriend and girlfriend because we were stupid (most of the stupid was mine). When we broke up, it was a friendship breakup because the fragments of conversation we had AFTER that did not add up to a friendship. You barely responded, you didn’t care about anything. You treated me like a stranger and I still wanted to be in your arms.
But then I saw you in July. You were toying with your life, teetering between miserable insanity and death. You had been drinking yourself sick. I had never seen a more broken person in my life. I thought you’d die and I’d be forced to watch you crawl towards the edge of that cliff. I held you for as long as I could but I couldn’t choose your path for you. I wished I could. I wished I could fix everything for you and make you want to live. But you chose the cliff. I’m so glad your body betrayed you and held on. I’m so glad that God saved you from your self-destruction and I’m glad you accepted it. I’m glad you embraced the long walk through insanity towards a chance at love, joy and peace.
Somewhere in all of that, I started loving you. I don’t know when.
The fact that it was a friendship I lost after the breakup explains why it was so painful. I considered you my best friend. Last year was devastating and lonely. It began with the death of mother, the only person who made me feel safe. You walked in at the end when I was ready to quit living. You were the only person who had enough time for me, had interest in me and wasn’t disappointed in or resentful towards me. And then that was gone. The romance wasn’t a lot to lose, compared to that. We kissed on ONE occasion and it was awkward with my clumsy lips. But joking, spending time together and frequently talking are all in the friendship category. Sometimes even cuddling can fall into that category.
As you already knew, I’m afraid of being with you because I’m afraid of breaking up. Im afraid of breaking up because we wouldn’t be friends anymore. And yes, we really wouldn’t be friends if we broke up after a REAL relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to the next guy if I’m still reaching out to someone I used to have sex with and wanted to spend the rest of my life. It wouldn’t be fair to the next girl either.
How could kissing you be worth the risk of losing my best friend again?
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Many people don't bother to take the time to reflect on things that they experience in their own life. I think that is a mistake. Good for you. It can benefit you in the future