Search Results: i lost every friend

So being the type of guy that I am;
-5'11"
-Little extra at 256 lbs last weighed
-a gamer at heart, but likes to go hiking, bike riding, swimming and camping
-socially awkward
- not confident in myself in the slightest

How would I determine if I'm better off in a relationship or a friends with benefits situation? Every relationship I've been in has failed, I'm usually never given the information as to why it fails other than they lost interest in me. The only times I've had females seem close to me is when it's like a one night stand situation, we are still friends and occasionally we will hook back up here and there. But they are never interested in a relationship, though I've already had experience in both fields, I'm lost as to which would be better for me. I feel like if I choose one or the other on a whim rather than some thing like this I'll just end up hurting myself.

I run faster than the speed of sound, but I can never run faster than the pain, the fear, the sadness that is looming in every corner of my suffering that is life. I have my friends and even my own videogames, but I don't have my happiness, and I'm afraid no amount of gold rings will ever make me feel good, make me feel loved. Every day that I force myself to wake up I tell myself "maybe I'll get more speed, maybe if I run and spin faster, I'll escape my problems" but the day doesn't go better. It's the same bullshit every fucking time. Spinning through hoops, running and collecting rings, until finally I reach the goal and have a short moment of relief from my existential agony, until I come to realize this will happen again and again and again until I die as a helpless, depraved hedgehog. My competitors, Mario, Link, all of them, are moving on, getting new and varied games. Hell, even that former lowlife waluigi has become a popular meme and is cared for. Yet here I am, at square one just continuing to progressively die inside. This mental instability of mine doesn't help in this endless struggle, thus I look forward to the big day. The day I finally am released from my pathetic existance. Maybe I'll do it myself. It's all over anyway. I've lost all hope that has been crushed by reality. There is only regret and the occasional anxiety attack in my life, so I might as well end it all. **I mean, gotta go fast! Haha.**