I’m done, and I'm sorry.

I’m done, and Im sorry.

.

You taught me that what I want isn’t important. That what everyone else wants should always be first. I feel selfish for caring about my own mental health when there are dozens of people that I could try to help. You taught me that prioritising my mental and physical health is wrong. You taught me that if somebody wants me to be this way that I must.


Yet you tell me to be an individual. To take my own path.


Every time I try you shoot me down, saying that I’m not respecting your wishes. That what I’m doing to be happy is disrespectful to you. To those I love. When I make my own decisions you call me a trender, that I’m just doing what everyone else is doing and you make me feel small. You make me believe the way I feel isn’t important, that the way I feel is wrong, I feel this way because someone told me I did.


You tell me to stay in line, do as I’m told, yet go my own way, be my own person. I’m stuck in the middle of an intersection. Do I got left or do I go right? The left may seem like the better path for me, but if I take this path is it the best for you, is it what you want? You tell me to go right, to go down the path that will more than likely hurt me and break me. When I express my worry of this path you throw it aside, silencing my already so quiet voice.


I’m afraid to move, to make a decision. Although I see the most logical path I’m afraid that you will scold me for choosing what I want rather than what you want. You get frustrated when I don’t pick a path, but even more so when I pick the one you didn’t like.


Who cares if I’mhappy, as long as you’rehappy. As long as you get what you want, when you want it. As long as you’re at the wheel, forcing me on a journey I shouldn’t be on.


I’m so confused. I’d assume you’d want the best for me but it seems you want what’s best you. I thought you’d want me to be happy, that seeing my joy would bring you happiness. But I was wrong.


You have stolen every decision that was meant to be mine. Every bit of individuality taken. I cannot be diverse. I must be one way and one way only. Your way.


You make me feel like giving up. You say you see so much, that you pay attention but you see so little. You see the surface. You’re too scared to dive any deeper. I express myself as freely as you’ll allow, but even sometimes you yell and ask me how I could be like this.


You blind yourself often. You know nothing of the pain your hate has caused. You see what I show you, and I’ve shown you nothing. Maybe if you tried to learn, tried to see where I stand, things would be different. If you’d only educate yourself, try to see where my passion comes from, you’d understand. But you don’t, and it makes things hard.

And to be honest, I’m absolutely terrified of you. I try so hard not flinch when you raise your hand, when you get to close, when you say you’re only joking. I laugh it off so that you don’t yell at me for being weak. You’ve never touched me but I’m scared that one day you’ll snap. Everyday I come home and do everything I can so that you won’t yell. You do strange things when you’re mad. And then you ask why I’m still upset over it. You wonder why I have hid my emotions for years. Because when I was open with you, you told me that it was all in my head, that I’m just making it up. But I’m not, I’m trying so hard to make you understand, to help you see how much pain you’ve put me in. One day, you’ll lose me and it will be your fault. Because in reality, you’ve never had me to begin with.

I’m done, and I'm sorry.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Zealashton
    been curcomsied , aka dick cut, cused, cronic pstd. depression, and nuralogical damage,
    neglected for 5 years more metel problems. placed on riddlen for 2 years. and keept in retard class.
    when i was in high school, i relized at gread 9 i was getting hints. and once in gread 10 i knew, my life was over, it was death sentence pretty much. i stoped try, to learn. and spent my days depressed, alone knowing that, i was never going to ever get what i wanted in life, i was ashamed of my life, i was in a retard class,.
    my mom saved as a child from my whore incubator (person who gave birth to me) my mom is with my dad, but , my nani, my grams, my uncle and ants, they just let me live with that whore as a kid, and everything i said privuslly, has pilled up to the point where it ruined my life for ever, i try so hard. all i want is a normal life, . only thing that keeps me going, is my curisosity and enjoyments little aspects of life.
    at age 30 i have pretty mych given up hope.
    i am a product born from the pureist filth in the world.
    my body is 90 percent perfect.
    i could have had my forskin, and i could have be born into a normal family. i could have be someone great.
    but the world. instead, ruined that potentail.
    i tried to go to collage, i just could not handle it mentally,
    9 years of trying to find a job, interview after interview, nothing.
    im ashamed of who i am, i depressed that my half sister, and borhter, have a brother like, me , a complet failure. all i can do is to smile and say everthing ok. .
    every wakeing moment, i think about killing this person son. like how joker kills bill murry, . but all i can do , is watch, reflect, refine, what is right and wrong, and give people life adivce,
    my only talent is to use logic, and commonsese and connect the dots of reasoning, i have no other skills.
    i continusly vent online, an no amout of it will help me,
    Is this still revelant?
    • Zealashton

      i say this, so you don't have to be alone in your suffer.
      I also say this to show people that I am a product of a slut/whore/getto asshole scum.
      This why people don't create a child that walk my path.
      Joker 2019 boddy. i love that movie..
      Let us suffer to gether. And keep going till we grow old, and die and at lest try to enjoy the little things. Death comes anyways no point in speeding it up, I'm to lazy to die. Pluse like porn and sex, and shit

  • The_Sword
    if you take on-board other people's criticism too much, you will end up only living for them, and on the basis of asking them for permission "to be"/exist.

    Stop asking for permission from this person to exist, not everyone in your life will be a balanced or reasonable influence on you, sometimes the best thing you can do is disconnected from them, or manage the level of influence they have over your life to the best extent possible, with a long term vision to separate from the persistent troublesomeness which they impose. If you are choosing to keep associated to the trouble, maybe try to make a different plan for yourself: people who don't create boundaries ever will be taken advantage of by emotional-vampires and borderline Pyschopaths and narccistic personality disordered people, these people are not uncommon, and if you spend too much time dealing with them, you can start to imitate their tactics... so be careful.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • wynn-ing
    I hate how much I relate to this.
    Dude, we're in this together. I believe in you. I am confident that you WILL make it out of this shit. At least alive.

    I don't know when it's legal to be on your own where you are but it's not too far away, even if it feels like it.

    But when it's time, get the fuck out of wherever you are. Get help to survive on your own. Don't overvalue your physical needs when your mental health (and physical, I see) is at stake. The latter are goners for good when they're gone.

    I know I can say that as if that's the easiest thing in the world. No, I know you fear this person and they hinder that path. They hinder you as a person.
    But you have to pick up and piece together the courage and bravery to leave, first of all. It's going to be fucking hard and it will hurt you but at the end, you'll be glad you did it. You'll be proud of yourself more than I am now of you for staying strong - because you are strong. I don't know if you attempted suicide before or self harm but you are strong for just even living with this shit. And I believe you can change it all. I have, and so can you. You will be happy once you do. But getting to that point is the real hard bit. I'd like to talk more about that in private if you'd like.

    At this point, do you think there is anyone in your life you could turn for any kind of support? At all? If not, you need to get outside help. Be it mental, basic physical or otherwise, you can't live like this. Even waiting to get out can be lethal.

    Remember, you're not alone. And you're not unloved. Please, keep your head up. And work the means to leave. Get back what is rightfully yours through any means possible. Live for the future you want to have. The present is only killing you.
    Is this still revelant?
  • shanibabyyy
    Hey, look at me
    Even though you can't see me, i see you. I truly see you.

    Well you see a lot of people that are older than you or that can't relate will tell you that these things will happen and that its part of growing up. Others will say that you just need to talk to who ever is making you feel this way and then you'll get the people that just say that you need to stay strong.

    All those are helpful but they also need to understand that you've be cracked and torn down countless of time even after speaking to this person. Obviously you are strong but being strong will not always last for everyone as layers of emotions just begin to peel off everyday.
    I know how all this feels and still do experience it.

    I think that you need someone to talk to that can help you emotionally and someone that will give you advice. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone you know from where you stay or someone that's older than you but someone that you've connected with, whether it's online or not.

    Get someone that is able to give you straight comments about your situations and someone that can understand what you're going through in general.

    What you need to focus on right now is your mental state and how you react to the person that inflicts a series of doubt and insecurity to grow.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Also when i read this i could feel and sense the pain from just typing about this and i truly felt that because it left me in tears as this hits really hard

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What Girls & Guys Said

519
  • LalaMeme
    This is a controversial person I am about to mention, but I encourage you to watch Teal Swan. Just listen to her teachings and don’t worry about the cults of haters. She truly has good teachings that have helped me more than anyone else in the world.
    Message me anytime.
    I am sending you love right now.
    • Teal swan and infinite waters have such great messages and helped me through so much 👌 but you have to be careful not to go too far down that path, it can get very cult like too

    • LalaMeme

      @edwilliams580 agreed. Ignore the guru, just listen to the message they have to give. It gets cult like if you lose yourself in it. In fairness to Teal her message is always to go back inward to yourself, feel what’s right for you.

  • JimmyQ
    Bro, this is your declaration of independence. You just need to make a follow up plan so that you don't do like I did.

    One day I was just tired of the beatings so I hit back and floored my dad. We were both shocked, but I was completely fed up with never measuring up to my moms standards and then getting physically abused for it.

    I was 17 years old and afraid to go home so after staying out all night I thought I could sneak back home and sleep. That was when I found all my stuff in the front yard with a note saying I don't live there anymore.

    I guess I was lucky that some guys knew a guy who needed a roommate and I got a job where I made enough money to have $5.00 left over at the end of the month.

    No car, no girls, no fun. That's how I lived for a couple years, but I got good at my job and played guitar in the evenings to stay busy. Eventually they made me a boss and I had money to play with so girls became a possibility.

    I'm not complaining, not trying to say I had it bad. Just wish things would have turned out better.

    My dad is old now and we have buried the hatchet. My mom died several years ago and I was pall bearer. I did it out of duty, but to this day still never felt sad or shed a tear for her passing.

    Just writing this is the saddest I've ever felt about the whole thing. Some people just don't have very good childhoods.

    It doesn't mean you can't learn from your past and try to do better. It's just harder to feel comfortable in your own skin when you think too much.
  • MarkRet
    Right now you're at an age where life is just chaos. I was there once, and was depressed, withdrawn, and was considering suicide, but a few years later, life got better. I did a lot of growing up, learned and did new things I wanted to do, which opened up a bigger and better world for me. Even though there are assholes out there in the world, most people aren't assholes, and they're just struggling along with their own issues.

    Just hang on, and life will change and get better.
  • Ilmyf_
    Ok first of all, sorry. I am too lazy to read it until the last dot but, I understand what u were going to say. I support u because it is not ur fault at all. Just keep moving forward and chin up!
  • KieranByrne
    Read and feel tears, emotions and the sheer thought of what it is like!
    Lived through, hope you do the same!
  • What in thunder are you talking about? Sounds like you were getting catfished. Either way, please keep your letters private and not as a question.
  • outthere
    I can relate to this so well. I almost felt like i was reading my own journal from back then so i know what it's like. Just keep in mind that in a couple years you will finish school and you'll be able to forge your own path. I know it's hard and i know the suffocation you're experiencing. Don't let it consume you. Become better in spite of it. Work hard and make your own way.
  • Potato_Pirate
    I'm going to just be short and simple. Your 15 years old the feeling that are weighing you down are needless. This is one of many issues you will come across figuering out what your life is. The sooner you come to realizing that what every anyone says is trivial the happier things in YOUR PERSONAL WORLD will be.
  • winterfox10
    In your ending, you deflate your whole meaning. The person DID have you, but they chased you away. I'm sorry you've had someone treat you that way, it really sucks.
  • goaded
    I'm so sorry. You've been through a lot, but you're close to coming out the other end. Keep going forward.

    Illegitimi non carborundum.
  • anube
    Ya your young dumb and young just kidding , here is a path to enlightenment, whenever you find yourself in a position to affect others remove yourself from the equation, then include yourself, the difference is the path to many deep realizations
  • Wow! I got some of those feelings as a kid. I'm not sure if you are describing you or some greater concept in an allegory. Anyways, the ultimate answer is, self worth, self esteem... trust in your self, but listen and learn and find your way. Others are projectig their stuff onto you, confusing and confounding you. That happens with toxic sick people. So one must put into perspective and place boundaries to defend against those people... whom may be your parents, or loved one.

    You may be wanting to think like the crowd. This is a lesson to think for yourself, but together from all sources to make your decision and hold to it. See what Ray Dalio teaches in his video... good thoughts...
  • Creepazoid
    I like the read. I assume you speak of your parents?
  • Browneye57
    This is a loser mentality. Nobody, and I mean NO SINGLE PERSON can MAKE you feel or do anything - YOU get to choose. We all get to choose.
    So, you can choose to live your life for YOU, or for others, but it's still your choice.

    If you really can make heads or tails of your life than get some professional help. A shrink is an expert at helping us sort out what's real and what isn't, how to cope, and where to focus.

    And if you're blaming some bimbo for your unhappiness, then this is on you, not them.
  • ConfusedOfTheWorld
    Welcome to the club
    by the way go write a book, but repeating "yell" too much is bad, replace it with cry and shout, also scream
  • Sounds like someone wants to kill him self!

    Meh lots of human's in this world one less won't make it any better.
  • soleil2666
    Yeah, dude, the hating types - especially the angrily dismissive women, are everywhere.
    You look at her wrong, she's angry. You don't look at her enough, she gets even ANGIER - because, my god, SHE gets to decide what it is that is ACCEPTABLE and what you MUST BE LIKE.
    Find some shelter somehow - this always comes down to a specific individual who is abusing you, it isn't the only reality to live in, no matter how common it may be. Someone has hung you out to dry with no mercy - let karma sort that out and look for a safe (r) place to be.
  • KaraAyna
    Good take
  • andreasderjuengere
    I hear you
    But I don't see you
  • I've never seen a flower based skull.
  • Anonymous
    Just wait untill you old enough to leave home and ready to flip burgers instead.

    Or/and just try to seek counseling in local church or volantier place...

    Main think it is not much left most is already behind.
  • Anonymous
    Whoever this was about is a narcissist. It's good to write these.
  • Anonymous
    " I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself". " A bird will drop frozen dead from a bough wirhout ever having felt sorry for itself" - DH Lawrence

    It's a tough world my man but this just proves she didn't deserve you. Remember that! "She didn't, deserve you".
    Work that heartache out of your system, then when you're centered go out and get that lucky lady that does deserve you!
  • Anonymous
    okay
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