This is a rant, posted as a take, which means I'm not expecting people to read it, in fact, but I need to let it out and I have no one to talk to.
I've lost someone recently. Oh she's fine, in fact she's pretty happy. But the reason of her happiness is also the reason I've lost her. She got a boyfriend. And as she said early when we started talking, the day she'll have boyfriend, we well stop talking much, no more than once a week. I knew that, but it's one of those things you hear, and then brush it off, thinking it won't happen before a long time. Until it happens. And since I'm a damn moron, I got attached to her, a lot. A whole lot. I don't love her but she's very important to me. She was someone I enjoyed talking to, and basically a real sunshine every day. So, here I am, seeing here going.
"But Anon, shouldn't you be happy for her?"
Should I? Maybe, if feelings were rational and controllable. But they aren't. And I'm not fucking happy. I'm losing a friend I love a lot. What is happy about it? Is that selfish to not like seeing someone I appreciate going away? Maybe, but that's how I feel. I feel so many things, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm feeling the loneliness hitting again, I'm mad at me for getting attached to her, mad at her for leaving, and then I feel guilty for being mad at her when she's just being happy.
I'm starting to feel again that void, right in the chest, when something I was used to have isn't there anymore. And the thing is... there is nothing and no one else to fill that void. It was there, hidden behind the joy I had to talk to someone I cared about, and it's now back. It's eating me from the inside, growing a bit more everytime I allow it to. I didn't cry. I'm just feeling a bit more hopeless than I was. Rant over.