Search Results: suicidal thoughts

Yesterday night I was checking in the oven to see if the dinner was ready and the food was foiled. He asked what I was doing in the kitchen, and I told him that I was checking to see if the food was ready.

He told me not to do that, which I never expected from a parent before. I told him I never had parents tell me that before, and that my grandparents were cool with that. My mom and stepdad refused to listen to me, then I started throwing my first fit in over three months (I am autistic) and calling my stepdad the N-word with a hard er, then corrected myself to say he was ignorant and I don't want ignorant parents.

I called my parents Trump supporters and said I was sick and tired of having Trump supporters as parents, despite voting for (and regretting voting for) Trump myself.

I opened the door, ran away from the house, closed the door, started throwing off my suicidal thoughts (I'm not allowed to express them in front of family at all, ever).

I went to the Vons supermarket nearby, with no mask, no wallet, no phone, nothing. I basically had to cover my mouth with the top front of my hoodie. I walked calmly until I saw an Asian family and asked them where they came from. They refused to answer, and I demanded they go back to where they came from. I started throwing a tissue box nearly at them.

I started making a remark about "niggers" and declared that they should be "shot in the head." A Black customer (maybe worker?) said to call security.

One lady worker asked if I was ok, I said no. I said that nonwhite people should not be here, and another lady worker pointed out that I am "not white." I told her yes I am, and that Armenians descended from Brits.

I walked all the way from Pasadena to Altadena for about two hours, maybe three. I came back to Pasadena an hour later. My family and the cops were very worried about me.

My stepdad and mom deny that they are homophobic but they are. They're the type that makes that "I have gay/black/whatever friends" remark

I don't really know what feelings are... like emotions... I've always felt blank my whole life.. like careless/apathetic.. So when someone asked if I'm depressed once.. I thought "what the hell, no... I don't feel anything"
The only things I feel is physical pain and when my lungs expand and despand when I breath...


But recently, I've been very bored of life, like super bored of it... I've done the same things over and over for so many years that I'm starting to get really sick of playing video games and watching tv.. I've lost interest in every video game and TV show and they're all boring as fuck now... There seems to be nothing in life that interests me and everyday is just torture of getting through time now it seems to take forever, it's like I'm jus waiting the whole day jus to go to sleep so I can wake up the next day and do the same shit againSometimes I even try to force myself to sleep mid day even though I'm not tired at all jus to escape the boredomI been thinking about taking syanide poison or jumpin off a big bridge jus so I can sleep forever... But I'm not suicidal though, there is no strong desire to kill myself, I think I want to live... But I'm jus so bored of everything I'm starting to consider doing itCould this be depression? I looked up the symptoms of depression and it sounds kinda like it.. even though I don't feel depressed or sad, I feel nothing