I hate my ex boyfriend. How do I move forward?

[Anonymous]

Okay so I have been in the process of healing for a few years. I went through something very traumatic. During a time where I was secretly suicidal and had already had multiple people die in my family, my (then) boyfriend Derek ghosted me. He did it in a really harsh way. He kept coming back and then ghosting again. He slept with me and pretended to love me and then would just disappear. And then he would come back crying begging for forgiveness and using his own openly suicidal thoughts to guilt me into forgiving him. I found out he ghosted me for another girl who was nothing like me. Dealing with so many betrayals destroyed my self confidence. What I truly wanted was to love everybody in my life unrestricted. I had experienced so many deaths that I truly felt like expressing love was necessary for me. But I got betrayed not just by him but by multiple people including my best friend and my own parents. But suddenly I wasn’t allowed to love him. I truly did try to respect his decision even though he showed me that I meant nothing to him, but in the years that it took to build my self esteem I just hated him. I fought it because it felt wrong to hate anybody-especially the man I had given my virginity to and loved. But I couldn’t help it. He apologized this year -after all these years- and I still hated him. I forgave him and just felt like he was worth forgetting. I started to forget everything about that relationship but one thing is for sure. Hating him makes the idea of love seem fake. Like you think it will never end and one day down the line you can’t even stomach the thought of them. I dated somebody but still think I need to stay single for me. I have to heal more and just learn to live myself again. Is there anything I can do to not have hatred towards him?

[DiegoO]

An ex is an ex. Forget him; he's not your source of happyness, is he?

Things didn't workout and that's fine. A romantic relationship is after all: a product of feelings and agreements. Initially, you both shared the same feelings and had agreements; time passed, things went down south, and here you are. I know what is like to been ghosted. It surely builds up lot of resentment, however, I came to realize, why hate my ex? First, you gotta accept you gave your ex a trust you never had to, therefore, you need to accept you can't trust your ex, not even a bit. It means, you gotta take responsability of what you wanna do next (keep him or dump him from your life). If you feel you got things to solve, do not enter a serious relationship. You will undoubtly regret it. Enjoy been single and remember: he is who he is, you can't change that, plus, you are not together anymore, why give him the importance of being hated, when you should save your energy for recovering yourself from the toxic relation you had?

[Anonymous]

I get what you’re going through for sure. One thing I learned about hate, was that it does more to you then it’ll ever do to the person who wronged you. Not only that, but it gives them so much power — too much — and they don’t deserve that role in your life. In my darkest moments I had to literally force that negativity from my mind because I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to turn into this man hating, negative version of who I was, not trusting anyone and only expecting people to hurt me. All because of him. I was sick of feeling so mad, depressed and etc. I took my power back, and you should too.

[Asker]

I already know it’s hurting me to be this way but it’s like I can’t help it. I never did anything to express hatred towards him. I never bashed him on social media or to anybody. I didn’t allow my friends to bash him either. I heard he was depressed even after he ghosted me and I cried and prayed that he would find true happiness because At that moment I remembered how he had said he wanted to die one night while we were together and I worried about him. For months-no years- after he did what he did I prayed that I could release my anger somehow without hurting anybody. I tried new relationships but I would feel the wrong feelings and always politely end each new experience. The feelings I felt were wrong and I knew they were. I didn’t tell anybody but I was feeling a continued anger towards men. I felt like I couldn’t even allow people to be people around me because I worried that everybody just wanted to use me.

[Asker]

I had been talking to a guy back in 2020 whose brother had just died before we met and when he showed signs of pulling away from me I accused him of using his mental health as an excuse to ghost me because he just didn’t like me. After he got into an argument I felt awful because I knew I was taking it out on the wrong people. I apologized but I knew that I needed to heal. Everytime I thought I was ready to try again I would feel those same emotions come over me within each new attempt-“don’t try me.” I was determined to not let anybody make a fool out of me and always had this secret urge to be one step ahead of everybody. I don’t think anybody realized that I felt so much anger because I hid it well. I was labeled “the nice girl” by so many people around me when deep inside I wanted to make the next man pay. But I knew it was wrong so I never let it go too far before I ended things or I let them just leave without a fight. I stayed celibate for years. To this day I have never slept with anybody other than my ex. I think the thing that bothers me so much is that with all the guys who haven’t hurt me I had my defenses up and my heart was cold and angry. But with my ex-even after he did what he did-all I had ever done was love him and try to support him. I had literally prayed for his happiness after he destroyed me and it felt so unfair because I know I never gave him a reason to do that to me other than that he just didn’t think I was good enough. He lied to me about being in love and took advantage of me and chose a girl who was pregnant by somebody else, had multiple kids by different men, and this is no shade towards the girl he chose over me because I know it’s not her fault but she was nothing like me. We were complete opposites.

[Asker]

Every guy I meet who tells me how I’m “a good woman” I tune it out because I think that deep down they don’t want that or care. I never gave my ex a reason to hate me and I wanted to give him one after he hurt me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I had genuinely loved him and had always loved him the way I wish somebody would love me one day and all he did was treat it like nothing. It makes it very hard to do it all over again. The idea of loving somebody that much only to have them do what he did to me makes me think that I let him off easy because if it ever happened again I would choose revenge. I tried everything I knew to not hate him because I knew it was making it hard for me to actually believe in love and try again but I felt better just being alone than I ever did trying again. I know that no man truly loves me and I’m content with that. Better that than I go after the wrong guys because I’m afraid to be alone. My only concern is that I don’t want to hurt anybody who doesn’t deserve it just because of him. And I know I’m capable of it now no matter how sweet people think I am.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel you, like I genuinely do bc I was in that place for such a long time. One thing I realized with bad breakups is that it can inflict a psychological wound, and often times we hang on to that anger and resentment, sometimes as a way of dealing with negative emotions, and sometimes as sort of a shield of armor so that no one can hurt us again. But some point you’re going to just be drained and tired of being this way, because it prevents you from moving forward and truly connecting with people who could be good to you and show you that not every man is your ex.

[Opinion Owner]

I had a process of healing from my trauma, like addressing it, which you’ve already done and that’s amazing. Then I forced myself to let it out. With anger, if you keep forcing it down, then when you release it, it’ll be like an explosion and all you’ll want to do is apologize and force it down deeper. That’s not healthy. I’d say to confront your ex, but since that is already done and over with, now the healing you need to do is about you, not him. Getting closure isn’t necessary because the truth is you don’t need their apology or even their acknowledgment to heal. A good way to get it out is writing, maybe keep a journal or write a letter to him. You won’t send it, so let everything out, say everything you would want to say to his face. A lot of times with anger, there’s a lot of hurt and pain beneath it, so if you have to cry while writing then you should do that. After writing, then make an effort to do something fun and lift your spirits. If you still feel bad, then share the letter with someone you trust, read it out loud. Get rid of the letter after, however you want.

[Opinion Owner]

You should also depersonalize the situation. Releasing your anger is a lot easier when you aren’t laser focused on specific events that occurred and instead try seeing the situation from his perspective. Often times people hurting us isn’t about us at all, it’s about them and him being selfish or wanting to make himself feel better. It doesn’t make it right, but sometimes trying to step into their shoes can help you forgive them, by recognizing that we’re all human and we all make mistakes at some point. He doesn’t seem like he was in a healthy frame of mind, so he was destructive and did a shitty job and releasing his feelings. That isn’t your problem, and it doesn’t make it right but maybe it can open the door to forgiving him so that you can move on with your life in a healthy way.

[SofiSin667]

You’re only going to sabotage your own shot of being truly happy with someone else if you continue like that. Meanwhile Derek will continue to live his life normally while you’re over here stuck in the past.

[Anonymous]

My guess is he was a college sweetheart of yours