My boyfriend said I complain too much. What does he want me to do, stop talking?

[nicole-n]

I have been under a lot of stress lately. Almost everyday there is a new problem arises, and I have to solve them by myself. My friends and family were not supportive during this time as well. So when I talk to him, I mostly sulk and I am tired. We don't fight but I complain about the situations and cry sometimes. Because he is the only one who understands and listens to me right now, I mention my new problems everyday and try to get my stress out. I dont yell at him or anything. He said that I complain too much yesterday which made me super mad. What should I suppose to do with this info, stop talking? What does he expect me to do?

[Finchie40]

Pretty much yes he does, he doesn’t want to hear you bitching and complaining about life constantly, you sadly begin to sound like a broken record , by you constantly complaining about things. It’s ok to vent about frustrations once in awhile , but if it’s consistent? You start to sound annoying and you start to sound like a negative person. How would you feel if your boyfriend was constantly complaining and bitching about things with you , on a daily basis? You would be annoyed just like your boyfriend is annoyed. I know you are frustrated and life puts us all through ups and downs , the best thing to do when you are upset and frustrated about things , is to walk into another room and focus on positive things in your life , and try to bury the negatives as much as possible , understand your frustrations are not the end of the world , Every single one of us , goes through shit in our lives and it sucks big time , I am right with you , when it comes down to feeling frustrated and upset about things , but the truth is , nobody can magically take that away from us because it’s sadly our own feelings making us feel this way. All we can do is take whatever shit is thrown our way and try to deal with it ourselves , and pray things get better. Try to focus on things that make you happy and say Fuck it all to the things that don’t make you happy. Life is too short to dwell on negativity constantly. I know it’s easier said than done , but welcome to the wonderful world we live in.

[Anonymous]

I get his point and yours. When my best friend was going through a divorce, every single phone call was her calling to vent about the situation. You try your best to be supportive, but after a while, you need a break yourself because you only hear negativity, and its especially worse if you're "not allowed" to have problems on your end because "what about their problems.

So, some advice if you'll have it, is express what you've said here when you are calm and no longer angry. "I talk to you because you are my rock, my sound board, and I know you care about me." On the same token, acknowledge that he may need a break from that. Maybe come to a compromise. Allow me to vent for 15 minutes, and then we talk about and/or do other stuff.

Second, if your every single day is like this, you are not happy. Start really peeling back the layers on your life and what is stressing you the most and if whatever that is is even worth the hell you're going through. You may need to literally change up your life and make that leap to see happier and mentally healthier days. Maybe you need to cut someone from your life, or change jobs, or take a vacation. Whatever it is, don't dismiss it and just keep chugging along because you may be doing more harm than good.

Third, see a therapist. Someone literally paid to listen and help you find solutions in your life. There is literally NO SHAME in needing some extra help. You say you feel all alone with your problems, well someone else other than your boyfriend may be able to offer you fresh perspective, no judgement, and a different outlook on things.

Fourth, make sure, if you aren't already, to say thank you to your boyfriend for all that he's done and for listening to you. It can be hard on a partner to also shoulder the burden of your issues.

[Caramalkisses23]

I have friends who call me with all their problems…. So I understand both perspectives. Sometimes I know how important it is to let someone vent and just listen. I also know how draining it is to constantly hear someone vent about their problems. At some point, put yourself in his shoes. 👟 f a person is always complaining, I’m going to feel as though they are miserable. If a person is always miserable- who wants to be around them all day?
I’m not saying sweep your problems under the rug. But ask yourself what can you change? If nothing, then why complain? If you can change it, start taking steps to change something.
I know things aren’t always that easy but do you want to lose your man because you’re constantly unhappy?

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I think I speak for most guys when I say that there's not much more annoying than someone complaining about their problems for weeks or longer and they're unwilling to do anything about them or be open to suggestions.

It sounds like you just go up to him and spill. He didn't get into a relationship with you to listen to you complain all the time, sure that can be part of a relationship but he wants to see you be happy and overcome obsticles. And maybe be part of the solution so he can feel like he's fulfilling his responsibility as your partner.

Maybe find a new job, maybe just claim bankruptcy and start fresh, maybe just go out on a trip together even if it's only to see a movie.

If he's saying this to you, you're on the outskirts of a very serious pattern of behavior which could turn the relationship toxic.

Namely a cycle where he gets burnt out trying to be there for you, remembering all the details, and you begin to precieve his tiredness as a lack of empathy or concern. Which is probably part of what got you so mad in the first place. I get it, when someone talks like that, it feels like they're downplaying your issue.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Navigating the stormy seas of stress solo can be daunting, so wanting to anchor down with your boyfriend's support totally makes sense. 🚢💑 However, it sounds like he's signalling a 'mayday' on the SOS front—he's hearing you, but instead of feeling like a co-captain, it might be more like he's walking the plank into an ocean of woes. What he's probably craving is some sunshine amidst the storm—moments of positivity and connection that remind you both why you're sailing together in the first place.

So, darling, it's not about going radio silent or tossing your feelings overboard. It's about balancing the cargo—mix in those uplifting moments with the heavy stuff. Share something that made you smile, a plan for a future adventure, or simply ask about his day and genuinely listen. It's like adding a dash of rum to the sailor's weary journey—it keeps the spirits up and the journey ahead looking brighter. And remember, considering seeking a lighthouse in the form of a therapist or counselor could offer some guidance to navigate these choppy waters together. ⛵💖

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

You have nothing to contribute, Love Doctor Brad.

Let the humans talk about human stuff.

[AviatorTom]

No, he doesn't want you to stop talking, Je wants to hear you complaining less.

Try thinking about what you would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want him to complain about everything to you, when there's really nothing you can do about it. He is frustrated, which is common when someone tells you all their problems that you can't help with.

Try a compromise with your boyfriend. Tell him that you will not complain about all your problems. Instead, you will pick the biggest, most important problem of the day, and tell him about that, and that you appreciate him listening to you when you do that.

Also, tell him about a positive thing that happened during your day, not just teh negative.

[OlderAndWiser]

"He said that I complain too much yesterday which made me super mad. What should I suppose to do with this info, stop talking?" So you can't imagine talking or saying ANYTHING unless it is complaining? Imagine if that's all you ever heard from him!

[jennifer_bloom]

If a guy gets angry at you for complaining, he is dealing with you rather than sympathizing with you cause somebody with real sympathy, does not view the obligation to care for you as a burden or blockage to their own lifestyle. I would consider whether you want to continue with him, or hire a therapist if you continue dating him.

[blunty]

It sounds like your boyfriend's comment about complaining has left you feeling a bit frustrated or misunderstood. It's important to communicate openly about how his remark made you feel. Instead of guessing what he might want, try having a straightforward conversation about it. Here’s how you could approach this:

Express Your Feelings: Let him know how his comment made you feel. You could say something like, "When you said I complain too much, it hurt because it made me feel like you don't value what I say."

Seek Clarification: Ask him what specifically led him to feel that way. You could ask, "Can you help me understand what I say that feels like complaining to you?"

Discuss Needs: Talk about what each of you needs from the other in conversations.

Find a Balance: Work together to find a balance where you feel heard and he doesn't feel overwhelmed. This might involve setting specific times to discuss frustrations or focusing on framing things positively when possible.

Remember, it's not about stopping your expression but finding a way to communicate that works well for both of you.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

If everyday is a new problem then you are the problem.

May be you are not adjusting to your work profile see options that would benefit peace of mind and less stress.

You have to choose between how much you can handle your stress and your earnings.

You could do some less stressful job and can be a homemaker if you live together you and your boyfriend.

You are almost reaching your retiring age so if you have more peace of mind you will be healthier and will be good company to others.

Men are task oriented and if you are complaining of certain issue they think it's their problem and try to fix it.

But somethings they cannot change in your work area so it gets frustrating if you complain all the time.

Leave the problems where it arises it will mitigate itself.

When you are at home try enjoying company of your boyfriend rather than thinking of the problems you had that's how you best stress because everyday a new problem will always be there learn to ignore few things.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You're probably stressing the dude out with all your problems.

Everybody has problems, so even though he might be managing his own, then he's dealing with you trying to use him as an emotional tampon for all of yours.

Plus you mentioned crying. Lady... we dudes get ridiculed for crying and have to learn from an early age to not do that and avoid it at the best of our abilities. Imagine how stressful it is for him to deal with someone crying around him. Expecially if nobody is dead.

Solve your problems, or at least keep them to yourself. Just like most of us do.

[Chazmatazz269]

If all you do is complain, then get a therapist or something. It’s not fair to dump all that negativity on someone you claim to love. You could also practice focusing on the solutions to your problems. Or just spend more time counting your blessings, aloud. Life isn’t all bad, ever. But focusing on the negative compounds more than just your feelings about what’s wrong. It literally makes things worse. If you won’t try to be more positive for your own sake, do it for your boyfriend.
If you can’t, it’s just a matter of time before he forms a resentment. Resentments destroy relationships.

[Reem12345reem]

It's not about that he doesn't want you to stop talking about your problems and support u , it's about. hkw ur draining his energy by complaining, nos tof us complain when we're in the 'victim' mindset and it drains other people's energy , like imagine if ur always around negative people , won't that drain u? Nobody wants to be with someone who drains their energy , so just change the way ur complaining I guess , like complain but from a place where ur trying to solve the problem but in a way that ur just complaining, if that makes sense , and there must be someone or something that will support u bc there's no way that God puts u in a situation where he doesn't send u support :)

[dustybiker2]

I think he's telling you he's overwhelmed himself. Just not chosen the best way to explain that. Probably out of ideas to comfort you. Maybe tell him you only need him to listen. It helps to have even silent support in tough times. And make sure he knows how much his support means to you. People need to hear it.

[midnightmoon05]

Try to put yourself in his shoes.
my teen daughter was worse…I am still training her to learn to not take things personally because it will affect her in a negative way as well as not fun to have to listen to her complain all the time… so learn to let go of things in life and enjoy the quality time with your bf…because keep hearing someone notching about life is draining

[TommyMountainFigure]

He obviously cares a great deal about you, and I think you know that despite the argument you had. There is however, only so much a boyfriend can do to help. If you really have THAT many problems to wade through, then you need to speak to someone professionally who can help you. it's not fair to unload everything on to him.

[Miristheiss]

Talking?

Talking?

Talking?

He said "COMPAIN". It is actually possible to talk and not complain. Complaining is negative, bemoaning. Talking should be fun, uplifting, sharing, encouraging, funny stories, planning fun things together, compliments, sharing of values, dreams, expectations.

Are you saying you cannot talk without negativity immediately flowing out of your lips?

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

Not to be mean about this, but I think your boyfriend might have a point.

Just from the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is having such a great time with you.

Ask yourself how much you would enjoy spending time with someone who was constantly venting their negative emotions.

Maybe you could lighten up a little, for your boyfriend's sake.

[ProbablyClueless]

No, no, don't stop communicating... You should keep talking, just change the way you do it. Framing and focus is everything. Being around someone who complains CONSTANTLY is an absolute downer for anyone.

If something goes wrong that day. Mention it, but then focus on something new, or talk about solving the problem. Don't stop telling him your problems, but change the way you do it so that you aren't so fixated on them.

[HawkPerception]

It's okay to complain in a relationship. Partners should be there to support you and bring you back up. Rant to get everything off your chest, but then try to be positive afterwards. Because even if your partner should be there for you, it's draining to hear someone only complain on the daily. That is an unattractive quality. Everyone has hardships in life, but remaining positive through it all... that's what people want to associate themselves with.

[molonski2]

Far too much negative hun , you are driving him crazy , these are not HIS problems , grow up , get yourself together but dont burden your boyfriend with these issues , they are your problems , get yourself together , for fcks sake ,

[JacobJordan]

Why does he have to be the person you dump all your negativity on. For that matter why are you letting things effect you so much. Things that are genuinely important sure but also you gotta find a better way to deal

[godfatherfan]

If there is a new "problem" every single day? that is you making problems where there isn't one. Yes, life can suck. But not every day unless you are making mounds out of mole hills.

[EmyyWolf]

I don’t know maybe you’re just a negative person like everyone is saying.
Depends … 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell me everything you said to him. Maybe that’ll give me some context clues

[WtfIsThisApl]

" you complain too much"
You ever think maybe he does everything in his power to make you happy and at the end of the day you have something to complain about?
No idea if this is true or not for your individual circumstance. You ever think maybe you need to mix in some diversity in your conversation about the things you appreciate juxtapose to some complaints?