Is it possible?

[Anonymous]

How do you get an ex girlfriend back after a messy breakup? And how long should I wait till I reach out? (Assuming she doesn't reach out first)

[Anonymous]

That’s assuming she even wants you back. Already I am not interested in taking an ex back, but after a messy breakup that would solidify my choice. Whatsoever broke us up before would likely still be an element now so why go through that again? No thanks.

[Opinion Owner]

**whatever

[Asker]

She broke up with me after Easter but we still hungout a few times after that and acted like everything was fine between us even though it wasn't. Then last week we hooked up and just yesterday she said she wanted to end it all

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I’m feeling like whatever reason or reasons she had for breaking up are still an issue for her now. It seems like she’s been trying to pull away, and you aren’t making it very easy when you’re trying to get back together and all that. Give her the space she’s requesting, even if it’s not what you want, it’d be selfish to keep trying to change her mind. If ultimately she decides to give it another shot and you’re still interested, then that will be the time to do all the wooing you please. Not right now though. It’s best to accept her decision, and let her go.

[Asker]

She admitted to saying that last Wednesday (last time we hungout) was a test to see if she was just a toy to me... and said she felt she was... I guess she was seeing if I was gonna try and have sex, which I did... after 3 weeks of not seeing her, I wanted to try and keep the intimacy alive... but at the same time, when we were together, she felt like our relationship was becoming like it was being based off sex...

[Opinion Owner]

Did she say this wash her reasoning for wanting to break up? Or did she note something else?

[Opinion Owner]

*was not wash lol

[Asker]

There was something that happened along those lines... something I did and something that I'll always regret... it was just totally unacceptable... and I still can't believe I did it...

[Opinion Owner]

So this unacceptable thing is what broke you up, got it. Well whatever it was, even if it was a catalyst for the breakup, surely it wasn’t bad enough to make her stay away for good, otherwise there wouldn’t have been contact since then. But ultimately she’s just decided she doesn’t want to pursue things with you right now. I get that you want the opposite, but she also deserves the space to come to that conclusion on her own, if dating you even ends up being something she wants. By trying to change her mind, all you’re doing is driving a bigger wedge between you because you would be treating her feelings as some sort of obstacle, rather than a real consideration. That in itself is frustrating, because we want our feelings to be acknowledged, validated and accepted.

[Asker]

You're right. I hate myself for how I handled the breakup yesterday... I kept trying to get her to lemme come over and talk things out bit she kept saying no... wish I would've just accepted it sooner and not let it get as bad as it did... cuz I don't wanna lose her (especially completely out of my life) and I don't want my whole push there at the end to have completely ruined the chances...

[Opinion Owner]

Don’t be so hard on yourself dude, you’re only human and we are all guilty of not making the best choices sometimes. Tbh you were probably panicking a bit just based off the fact that you don’t wanna lose her. But not everything has the finality that you think it does in the moment. This just happened yesterday, so give her some space and the opportunity to come around on her own. If she does, then you can have a more level-headed conversation and at least be able to build a friendship if it’s not you getting back together. In the meantime, focus on yourself. It’s a great time to really process the issues she’s presented in the past and analyze your relationship to see where you went wrong on your part. Even if you and her don’t end up back together, you will approach your next relationship in a different way and avoid the missteps that happened in this one. Because that’s what’s most important— growing as a person and constantly trying to do better. Some people are just meant to be lessons in our lives and maybe this is one.

[Asker]

I know... I'm always hard on myself, cuz I rarely ever seem to learn from my mistakes... I was definitely panicking cuz I never got to tell her how I really feel about her... and so now all those feelings are just bottled up inside me and the regret I have from not taking the chance when I had it, kills me...

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe this is a sign that it’s time to start learning from your mistakes and doing things differently going forward. Sure you didn’t get the opportunity to tell her how you feel, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get the chance in the future. This is all still new.

[Asker]

I really hope I get the opportunity to tell her... if so, then that means I would've seen her in person and that's what I want. I'm hoping she reaches out eventually but if not, I have a time frame for when I'd reach out to her and try to start the communication again

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t think it’s a good sign that you’re already pre-planning to go against her wishes. By setting a time frame to reach out, you are essentially saying “sure I will respect you wanting to break up, just for now, but if I don’t hear from you in the next few days or weeks then I’m going to try again”. I’m not saying this in a mean way at all, but that thought process is selfish, because you are laser focused on not accepting that it is over. You are still telling yourself you can’t lose her, when she’s already trying to be gone. I understand how you’re feeling, trust me I do. But this isn’t just about you and your regrets, concerns and fears. This is about respecting someone’s decision, rather than treat it like an obstacle to surpass. I truly hope you let her come to you, and in that time work to accept the situation for what it is. This is her second attempt at being done, please let her have that.

[Asker]

You're probably right.. my birthday is in 2 months, I'm hoping she'll say happy birthday. That way it'll be her reaching out first

[Opinion Owner]

I hope so too, and she may even reach out before that. For all you know it could be here reaching out in the next few days. Don’t focus too much on that though. I know it’s easier said than done and this just happened yesterday, so of course it will be hard. But if you’ve been hurt in the past or gone through a breakup then surely you know you can get through this. Just take it a day at a time, man.

[Asker]

I still breakdown from time to time thinking about her but I guess one day at a time is all I can do...

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard asf. It’s fine and it’s normal to have breakdowns, like you love her a lot and letting go isn’t easy. Time will do it’s thing though, if she doesn’t reach out before then. This is all going to pass.

[Asker]

I'm hoping for the best 🙏🙏

[Opinion Owner]

Likewise! Whatever the outcome is, you’ve got this🙏 wishing you luck going forward