Are scars a deal breaker?

[MrPickles13]

Basically are self inflicted scars a deal breaker in a realtionship?

Would you aks if you saw scars on a first date and would that in itself mean there wouldn't be a second one?

If they had them would you want to know and if so when would you want to know?

If you would be able to add in any extra details about your thoughts and feelings about this sort of thing I would really appreciate it.

[whereismyjohnny]

I don't think they are a deal-breaker. I would not ask him about it because I think asking people about their scars is rude and insensitive. Plus I don't like to pry. If he felt like sharing his story with me, okay. I'd be supportive if he opened up about it, but I definitely wouldn't ask him about it, because it's ignorant and I wouldn't want to trigger him or make him uncomfortable.

I wouldn't judge a person because of his scars. You never know what someone went through. We all deal with things differently.

[Anonymous]

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me unless he was still struggling with the frame of mind he was in when he began self harming, and if he still does it. If he does not then everything is fine, because the everyone has a past and what matters is what you’re doing now, and going forward. But if he’s still struggling with traumas, then I’d rather him focus on healing rather than building a relationship with me.

[MrPickles13]

That makes sense, if you saw them on a first date would you ask about them? And would you be okay if they sort of didn't fully answer?

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn’t want to be offensive but personally I would ask. Mental health is very important to me in a relationship and I’d want to make sure you’re ok before either of us put time and effort into building something. I can’t even say I’d feel better and wait to ask if the scars are old, because I once had a friend who would cut her thighs so her arms would heal.

[MrPickles13]

I understand and agree mental health is very important, I'd tell them honestly if they are old or not and if I was okay at that point and such. I just don't think that early I could be open about why.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand, and you have to be comfortable especially since the topic is touchy. I’m only giving perspective since you’re wondering about that specifically, but just on my own I probably wouldn’t notice the scars.

[MrPickles13]

That's understandable, and I really appreciate you answering. Sadly the ones I have would be noticeable I think and it's why I'm having to wear long sleeves year round now.

So atm I can't do things like swimming not that I liked going. I do want to get them covered at some point but not yet. It's been to recent from when I stopped.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s really good that you stopped! Like that’s so much progress and I hope you are proud of that, man. There’s not much you can do about the scars, but maybe try looking at them as battle wounds and don’t be ashamed. You fought through so rough things that most people aren’t here anymore to keep fighting through, and that’s amazing! The right girl will make you feel comfortable about your scars and will be patient to hear all of your story one day.

[MrPickles13]

Yeah it's just one part of them I really don't like in particular. And your right it's a positive to have stopped and that and I hope that I can meet the woman who would understand and accept it. Sadly that's part of the reason.

But yeah I've always wanted tattoos and well when I know I'm not likely to do such a thing again I think I'll get a tattoo to cover it.

[Opinion Owner]

I agree, make your tattoo like the reward, once you know you’re done for sure. You want to step into a relationship being the best version of yourself that you can be, because that’s what you want in return. If you still feel like you’re struggling then maybe wait to find love until you’re ready. But if you feel good and like you are ready then sure, put yourself out there and be proud of both your scars and how far you’ve come.

[MrPickles13]

Yeah that's the plan I think I am ready to be honest, sadly I've never had anything to do with relationships. I've actually spent the past 4 years online dating and all I've had is scam attempts, women trying to sell himemade porn, those who just wasted time as well. 2 months talking to one person daily and then they just stopped. And since when people start dating all I hear is from my parents about it, like have you met anyone then it went to the assumption I'm gay and now they are at I'll be alone basically. So between all that and issues with failing collage I hit quite a low point. It's why I want it covering as the word 'Idiot' is scarred on my arm.

[Opinion Owner]

Gosh, I’m sorry you’ve been through all that dude. Online dating and stuff can be brutal but all the scamming and whatnot can really be a blow so I’m sure it was all disappointing. You’re still young, 22 your whole life is ahead of you! I think parents sometimes get stuck in like an old school way of thinking. If you don’t get married and kids by 25 you’re doomed! It’s so old fashioned and doesn’t work with this day and age. People are living it up in their 20s and having kids/family in their 30s so much more often now. So don’t rush anything, or feel pressured.

[MrPickles13]

Yeah I agree with you but honestly as well I do actually think they believe that in either secretly gay or just destined to be alone. And I guess it's harder as I know I don't want kids.

And it's kinda sad as well cause I think I would be good in a relationship but in just not good at dating due to anxiety. I've never actually been on a date or anything. The furthest I've gone with a woman is hugging a friend.

[Opinion Owner]

I used to struggle with really bad anxiety so I get you. I think it’s a confidence thing, like worrying about the outcome before you even try and that’s the worst way to go about dating. If you are confident, then you can go up to a girl without getting anxious. Maybe the best way to look at it is like you’re approaching and talking to your friend. That way you can be comfortable.

[MrPickles13]

I get what you mean. I am that bar that I can't really interact with anyone. I try to say your welcome when someone thanks me for eltting them past and 99% of the time no sound actually comes out. And I have panic attacks from sensory overload.

So it's hard when I can't even do that. But also i don't know when it would be okay yo try talking to someone like that as tho to ask them out.

[Opinion Owner]

I see. Not to be in your business but do have you tried therapy or anything? Sorry I feel like that’s such a cliche question but when you find a good therapist who gets you it helps a lot. They can help you tackle these things so you’re not on your own

[MrPickles13]

Yeah I am in therapy for more than the anxiety I had got better but lockdown has been a massive set back. But going for 2-3 years now. And it's been a help while I try to get my life in order and that ya know.

Where would be appropriate places to approach a woman with the intent of asking her out?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, lockdown messed with a lot of people so I’m really glad it’s done and hope you are on the upside🙏 also it may be an odd approach but I’d say go to the places that you like the most, then if you meet someone at least you already have that similar interest to start with and can talk about that. Another way is to find a hobby you like, maybe a small class of some sort so you can meet new people and get comfortable with everyone to start. You might see a girl there you like and can ask her for coffee or something, and it should give you much less anxiety since you warmed up to each other.

[MrPickles13]

My therapist did say that I'm looking into things. I'm just also needing to save money to move out cause well I hate bring at home with family as they are part of the issue. And I see what you mean about like learning in small classes or whatever I am definitely looking into thsy.

Cause well to me it just seems like it's inappropriate in many places people try to ask others out. I don't know if that's just me or what.

[Opinion Owner]

I get that, like not wanting to pick an inappropriate setting, but like your therapist said you don’t want to overthink it too much. Sometimes it’s hard to know when exactly is the right time, that’s why I think finding a hobby to meet people would be a great foot in the door.

[MrPickles13]

Yeah I think your right. Like I've seen some at the store who are pretty or bars when I've rarley been there. To me it seems wrong tk approach them at those times also sometimes its hard to tell their age as in not going to go out with anyone if they are underage and would be disgusted if I asked someone out who was underage.

[Opinion Owner]

If you want to play it very safe then go with the bar route. At the store like you said, it’s hard to get the opportunity to chat, since the person in question is busy shopping, plus you don’t know her age, like you said. In the bar however, you know she’s over 21 so that’s taken care of, plus a few drinks should help relax you a bit and there’s a better chance to chat with her or at least get her number. Don’t be too shy when you approach, if you can help it. Be confident, kind and most importantly be yourself.

[MrPickles13]

Yeah I do try to be me like kind and that. I don't use chat up lines as I don't like them. Normally online I'll ask about something in there profile, how they are and normally compliment them once.

And my rule I'd not to compliment them on anything below the neck. As to Mr that would be creepy. I thought its okay like with one woman I said she had pretty eyes. Is that okay?

And that's another issue I don't drink more than one so that I know I'm always in full control of my actions.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s smart about drinking, you don’t want to be sloppy of course. I do think the eye compliment was nice! Although I would say that maybe you want to move away from online dating and try it in person? Only because I think that’s a really good way to conquer your anxiety and stuff.

[MrPickles13]

I'll definitely give it some thought and I just want to say thank you so much for replying in such detail and talking to me it was very nice and much appreciated please let me know if I can help out with anything question wise.

Also if you don't mind what do you think to my sort of rule on where to compliment?

[Opinion Owner]

No worries! Glad to help :) and yeah I think your question is fine and appropriate, no need to compliment the lower regions lol

[MrPickles13]

I agree I think it's a bit creepy and well shoes your interest in one thing that isn't a relationship.

[SnakeBoop]

not particularly.

[Agape93]

Nope

[BlckGrl]

Nope

[HeartFullOfGlue]

Nope