Search Results: will a girl ever understand me

I turn 23 this year. Yes, I adknowlege I am young. But here is why I suspect my death may be imminently coming within 10 years.
I have never had a girlfriend. I have never formed a legitimate romantic bond with a female before. Yes, I have dated. Yes, I have had sex once, but I barely knew the girl and in all actuality, the sex was never within the confines of a loving relationship. I have never been able to call a girl my girlfriend. I only know one other guy in my situation, but understand that I know hundreds of people.

But then you say, you are still young, you will eventually find someone. NO, not really, because there is one great obstacle. I cannot and WILL NOT get over a woman's past. I cannot get over the fact she has had a first love. They say you never forget your first love. And there is an even greater reason that pertains to past romantic bonds that I can never explain nor really discuss in a way others understand, but just know that getting over a woman's past is something I cannot and will not do. But what options does that leave me? Nothing, except coming to the realization that I will never experience romance or companionship and I will have to face the fact I missed out on love when I was younger. Any reference to young love haunts me ever single day.

Second, I smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. That is around 24 cigarettes a day, or one every hour. Part of me feels if I get cancer, I don't have to worry about abruptly ending my life because the cancer will just take care of that for me.

Third, I am chronically fatigued and depressed. I have no energy to do anything. Just as simple as sitting up, standing, or going to get a meal is an exhausting chore for me.