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When I was in highschool, I took science stream. I did well when I was primary school and ended up being in a science-focused highschool. Long story short, I did terribly bad at the 3 main science subjects which are Addmath, Chemistry and Biology in the big, last, final examination in my final senior year. I got E for those 3 subjects which was nearly failed.

The thing is, now that I am older, whic is 20 year old now and currently 21, considering we're now 2021 (happy new year guys). I felt liked I never really moved on from the past of didn't succeeded in those subjects. I always caught up myself picking up those exercise books and saying to myself that I wanted to do those exercise, which was no good afterall.

One of the reason I think I never really moved on is because my late dad used to be very proud of me being into science school and such. I can sense it. He used to say he respect the doctors and looked highly at them. (Which gives a teenage me pressure to succeed in those subjects, to which, doesn't end well like I mentioned earlier) When I got the result he was obviously really disappointed in me. It was in 2017

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Now I am currently doing my diploma in Logistics. My dad had passed away in 2019 due to chronic disease. I still catching myself picking up those exercise books and having the intention to do them. I never really good at them. I think for a fact that I used to be a daddy's girl and I disappoints him in that manners made me now to have difficulty in letting go the past. Now, I have some few options.

1) Study them
2) let go of them and just move on

Option 1: if I do that, then what? What am I supposed to do with all those knowledge? I mean, that big examination has passed long ago back in 2017.

Option 2: I don't know. If I just merely let go of them just like that, I feel like there will be a void inside of me, I don't know.

What should I do?

I came across this movie in which the description was that the main characters were learning to survive in a “post relationship” world. So I looked up what does post relationship mean and after diving deeper into that, I started looking at the topic of “relationship PTSD” I eventually landed on this article letting you know if you have relationship PTSD. There were a list of all the side effects one might expect from being hurt. I guess the key difference between regular sadness that your relationship ended and relationship PTSD is that the relationship in ITSELF brings the “victim” a great sense of paranoia. It all sounded so familiar. But the thing that stuck out to me the most in his article was that apparently, if you have relationship PTSD you can hardly remember being happy in your relationship. I can relate to that very much. When I look at other people being happy in there relationship I feel one of two things. Either I have this daunting concern that I am somehow different from women who are clearly more able to exist in a relationship-or I suspect that the love I witness isn’t real. I mostly see my last relationship as just one big painful memory held together by a few happy memories or moments. But when I actually stop to recall the times where I felt happy in my last relationship, I realize I wouldn’t have been happy AT ALL during the entire length of the relationship IF I knew the things that my ex boyfriend was concealing from me or even IF I knew the outcome that would come out of being in love with a man who cared so little about me as to ghost me after an entire year just to be with someone else. So in its entirety, the relationship seems like a fake to me. And it causes me to have a continued sense of paranoia even years later. And while I refuse to let my ex win any more and I think that I have recovered a lot of myself, I haven’t yet recovered the sense that when I meet a new guy I can accept that “this is reality” or “this is genuine.”