Giving someone a second chance often yields good results :) [Three months of online dating series]

[tallandsweet]

I met the second guy I described in this take a couple of days ago and wanted to share my reflections on this topic with you. The first part can be found here, this take is about how giving him a second chance was a good decision.

This was again not a date, simply a meet-up. I had made sure beforehand that he knew what to expect and what not to expect.

Small disclaimer: I know how to keep myself safe and would have immediately left if I had felt like this guy wasn't the same in real life.

If you want to read more about my experience with dating apps (Badoo, Tinder, Lovoo), check out the other takes I wrote :)

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - What I've taken away for myself [online dating]

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met

How not to meet someone you met online in real life (first meet-up/date advice) [Three months of online dating series]

The second encounter

The next day, I met him again - it was his birthday and he had again traveled for a very long time to see me. I showed him everything I wanted to show him around the city. I may have overdone it, we really walked a lot, but I still thought it was a sweet idea to show him some spots that are fun and special to us.

I also "saved" some experiences for him. He had insisted to be the first guy I'd meet in my new home town, and since I was fine with letting him be that person, I didn't meet other people I knew from online dating in real life.

I could say many positive things about that second encounter - I felt incredibly comfortable around him, so comfortable in fact that I let him watch me eat. I usually can't eat in front of others (insecurity etc.), so this was rather special for me personally. He also told me that I had something stuck between my teeth when I did, which I appreciated a lot.

When he told me he liked my eyes and that I looked good overall, I felt noticed and seen. He even pointed out that my eyes are popping more when I'm wearing a mask, which was funny to me, I hadn't noticed that before. I had previously gotten very friendzoney vibes from him, but I noticed that he enjoyed getting closer to me, both physically and emotionally. He also told me later that both the teacher vibes and he mixed messages he'd gotten from me were gone entirely, which is nice.

Loving the playful vibe here [Photo by Tiraya Adam on Unsplash]

We had a lot of fun - I asked him to hit/push me to prove a point (sounds a lot stranger than it was), which he obviously didn't, but when we were standing at a traffic light a few minutes later he wanted to stretch/guide me (I'm terrible with traffic (cannot assess risks and dangers), made sure to tell him that before) and I started to panic because I was afraid that he would hit me (in a playful way). I yelled "NO please don't slap my neck" out of nowhere, which amused the elderly lady next to us a lot. He started laughing and explained the lady's reaction to me (didn't get what was so funny at first).

I also showed him a local church and I think neither of us realised how stupid we must've looked - he forgot to take off his hoodie, I was wearing leggings (not to show my ass off, just to be more comfortable, I had asked him before meeting up whether he was cool with that) and the guy at the entrance did not take any of that well. Europe, I guess - you have to dress to impress and take off everything that covers your head as a sign of respect (mostly applies to men). Neither of us is catholic or protestant, so we just forgot.

Red flag?

He texted other women (best friend and random Snapchat girl) while I was with him but stopped when I told him that that's rude. He also let me talk to one of them (voice message), which interestingly at least temporarily ended that friendship. I recorded that voice message next to him and didn't say anything offensive or weird, but 15mins later when he looked a his phone again and saw that she had sent him a message, he grabbed my shoulder, gasped and told me that she'd be done with him upon listening to what I had had to say. He showed me her incredibly aggressive response - I still don't get what happened there but according to him, she has a bad temper.

I don't think him texting people is a major red flag, I like it when people mess up and listen to my concerns/wishes. Also, it was his birthday and he got a lot of calls and messages, I think it's only fair to give him time to respond to that too.

When I'm with other people, I'm not on my phone. I only responded to my dad and showed him how many group chats I'm in (uni-related) to prove to him that when I'm distracted I'm not texting other men.

Saying goodbye, more or less in this exact setting [Photo by Osman Rana on Unsplash]

My personal takeaway points/reflection

I am glad I gave this guy another chance, I was not in a good mood after that first encounter, but the apology convinced me to meet him the day after. We were able to laugh about that first meet-up and ended up getting along really well.

I'm not in love, I don't even feel like I'm crushing yet, I'm just getting to know this man and enjoying the process more than I expected and anticipated.

I do feel like he likes me more than I like him though - he said "I really like you"/"I'm enjoying seeing you"/"I love that you're here with me right now" more than I did, I don't mirror compliments/statements like that (many women do that in my experience out of insecurity), so I just smiled at him whenever he said something like that and more or less ignored it.

One more thing I appreciated a lot was that he told me that meeting me wasn't awkward at all and that he feels very comfortable around me too.

What I'm really looking for

I already learned a lot about who I am and what I'm looking for in men, which always happens when I meet new people.

For example, he's more jealous and "controlling" than most people I've met and straightup tells me when he fees like I'm about to do something stupid (e.g. meeting someone I've known for 3 years but do not even find remotely attractive). I love that, I never expected it but apparently I've been craving having someone tell me what I should do more than I admitted to myself.

I enjoy being someone's #1, their main focus, the only thing they care about, but I'm noticing that I probably won't be able to open up to him as much as I was able to open up to the last guy that hurt me. This person is also the reason why I decided to take a break from serious dating in 2020 - anyone I'd meet with the intention of starting a relationship with them would be a rebound. I've come to love not having any expectations, that way, I'm pleasantly surprised more frequently.

Please note that I did not download any of the apps I now have quite a lot of experience with to actually meet someone, I much rather wanted to see what online dating was all about. Meeting cool people there was a coincidence, not an event I had planned/sought to happen.

Has anything good ever happened to you from giving someone a second chance?

Do you like meeting people you met online in real life?

How do you feel about not labelling a potential relationship to avoid expectations on both sides?

Very curious to read and respond to your answers!

[MannMitAntworten]

“What I’m really looking for.” As I was reading through and read To where you mentioned you are not even crushing the very first which entered entered my mind was, “She is learning herself through these experiences.” Then I read what you were looking for... Yup, I was right. I do the same thing. What I mean is, 46 years later and I am still making discoveries of myself through my dating and relationship experiences. My last girlfriend as example is where I learned what I have been missing the entire time... and now I can never stelle for kess. Which, frankly ai felt I was already quite discerning in this regard, this new discovery shall likely keep me single. It was something even you noted of this guy, his “presence” of self. That has ALWAYS lacked in every woman I had ever been involved with till my recent ex. I can never settle for lack of presence again.


I hope you don’t reach 46 and single still too. Heck, or even 30 for that matter. From 30 forward options become awfully scarce. Anyway, this was an interesting read for me. It was relatable which made it all the more captivating to read. Perhaps a first where dating and relationship themed post are concerned.


Keep exploring!

[tallandsweet]

Hey, thank you very much for your extensive response :)!

Indeed, I am getting to know myself more and more through engaging with different types of men - I realised that what I was lacking all along was the other person craving to take me into their heart.

The guy this post is about told me that I am the first girl to match his energy, the first where he really feels like I could be good for him and I understand where he's coming from, mainly because we talked about some of his past experiences with women (which were positive but most of them weren't as educated as I am for example (according to him, this led to a limited range of conversation topics)).

I also have to agree with you that most dating and relationship posts on here are boring and I don't relate to most of them either, probably because there's always some level of "why would you do that".

I know that my life decisions aren't always the best, but I do try to be a fun girl to get to know and apparently, it's been paying off!

Thanks again, I definitely will keep exploring :)

[MannMitAntworten]

When you meet that solid fit, the “click” you two will have will be so very instant. It will blow your mind! Have fun ;)

[tallandsweet]

Yeah, still waiting for that to happen and to be honest, I purposely didn't meet a handful of men I know I'd have clicked with right away because I could sense that we wouldn't have been compatible and it would've just ruined me emotionally.

[MannMitAntworten]

You are already catching on. Good of you!

[Jjpayne]

This is a fun series thanks for sharing it!

[Jjpayne]

I've yet to need to give someone a second chance thankfully

[Jjpayne]

This is based on not needing to of course

And I much rather prefer dating in person. You can learn so much more that way. I was with a girl for months texting and in one or two dates I saw a much different side than I got texting

[tallandsweet]

I can only highly recommend talking on the phone more then, you get a much better impression of someone that way.
We both told each other that we're relieved we're the same in real life - I think I'm a little more fun and bubbly and he was also more refreshing in real life. Other than that, the only thing I noticed was that he didn't throw away his chewing gum; he told me to look away and then kicked it away with his foot? :DDD
I told him to German up and to stop trashing the environment. Went on to talk about how long chewing gums take to rot away and hopefully made an impact there LOL.
Those are small things though that you clearly wouldn't notice online, so it's only normal to take some time to adjust to one another in my opinion.
When you grant yourself that time in real life, fewer things can go wrong.

[Jjpayne]

Agreed

[Jjpayne]

Thank you for the mho! :)

[tallandsweet]

no problem :)

[ahmadali01]

None of us are perfect. As human beings, we make mistakes; some of a trivial nature, some a lot more significant. But we make them. And sometimes these mistakes affect other people and we have to ask for their forgiveness. But what happens if someone else makes a mistake that affects us, and we have to decide whether to give them a second chance? This question is a difficult one to answer;

[Avicenna]

Thank God texting was not as common when I was in my 20s (you had to pay per text back then)

[tallandsweet]

I still remember that too, used to use a prepaid card for my phone so texting was always horrible. Then, I started using Whatsapp and things improved LOL!
I like that you can share pictures and videos very easily now, it's more fun and interactive to get to know someone on the web this way.

[Avicenna]

True, but back then you didn’t get besieged as much by others!

[TheAfrikan]

I have to say this has been a sweet well written take, and I really enjoyed scrolling down imto it till the end.

[tallandsweet]

THANK YOU so much, reading this literally made my day.
I loved hearing that, I always put a lot of work into my takes and appreciate it when others notice!
Thanks again!

[TheAfrikan]

Hmmm oh dear you are welcome @tallandsweet we just need to have a lot of people like you, who put in a lot of there heart, feelings and emotions into there takes.
I surely felt like I was living ya life, yet I was reading through it.☺☺

[happy9]

Do you know what I give anybody a second chance or a third chance! I sometimes things happened and It out of your control! Honestly people are different later on if you can you can sort it out! People change people get better. I'm speaking from past experiences! And you see them in a different light two!

[OddBeMe]

Or is this blindly hoping they’ve changed? If you’re going back to the trough, doesn’t it mean you’re desperate?

[tallandsweet]

To be honest, I'm not sure. I'll have to see where it goes. So far, he's done a lot for me and I appreciate that.
Actions speak louder than words and I love seeing myself being cared for. My ex couldn't handle me, I think this guy may be able to keep up with me and that's a lovely feeling.
However, things like these (feelings) change all the time and I'm not willing to settle down yet.

[Jltakk]

Good you managed to meet up with someone, its hard getting one person to meet as a guy.

[Nachowedgie]

I'd have to disagree, it only leads to being back stabbed even more

[mrgspoter]

O gee makes me wounder how it does 🤔