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How not to meet someone you met online in real life (first meet-up/date advice) [Three months of online dating series]

tallandsweet

If you want to read more about my experience with dating apps (Badoo, Tinder, Lovoo), check out this take that I wrote on my general conclusions and this take on my specific encounters.

I met the second guy I described in this take a couple of days ago and wanted to share my reflections on this topic with you.

This was not a date, simply a meet-up. I had made sure beforehand that he knew what to expect and what not to expect.

Small disclaimer: I know how to keep myself safe and wanted to write a take on this simply to show others that not all men are creepy. Please don't offer advice in the comment section here, what I'm describing already took place & I'm still alive :)

This take focusses on the first encounter we had in real life, whereas this take is about the second time we met.

Planning

He had cancelled on me three times already and didn't seem like he was too eager to meet me, which is something I absolutely hate. When he cancelled on me the third time, I told him he could meet me either the next day or a day after that. If he hadn't accepted my offer, I would've left.

I was really fed up with his behaviour and didn't feel like dealing with his strange attitude any longer. Luckily, he took me seriously, told me he'd visit me the next day and I went to sleep satisfied.

Meeting him

Unfortunately, he overslept, missed his train and had to take a much later one. When I was *finally* certain that he was actually on his way, I put on a normal outfit, some mascara, put my hair up and started to walk in his direction. Note that I had been cleaning the apartment all day and was not in a good mood overall.

As I was walking there, he kept emphasising (via text and voice messages) that he didn't have a lot of time and had to stick to a "tight schedule", which seemed odd to me considering that he had just spent almost 3 hours on the train to finally see me.

Couldve been us trying to find each other LOL
Could've been us trying to find each other LOL

I didn't find him immediately and when I did, he greeted me but told me again that he had a very tight schedule. I tried laughing it off and asked him how much time he had for me and when he told me he only had 15 minutes, I assumed he was joking.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a joke - we ended up talking to one another with a distance of approximately 2-3m and then got food for his friend (who had interestingly accompanied him on a >5h train ride without knowing why this was necessary). I tried masking my disappointment and confusion and probably did fairly well, considering that I only had to pretend to be okay for 15 minutes.

The aftermath

More so than being disappointed, I was really underwhelmed by the whole experience. It had taken me longer to get to the meeting point (one way!) than we had actually spent time together.

Also, I was surprised that he hadn't offered to order food for me too, I would've paid, but as a friend, I had expected him to care about my wellbeing a little more. The fact that he maintained that much physical distance between us was very odd to me at first, I thought that I smelled awful or looked that repulsing in person and felt really insecure. The only aspect about my appearance he highlighted in person was my jacket ("nice jacket by the way!").

There really wasn't anything good about the whole experience that stood out to me other than the fact that he had spent half of his day traveling to see me.

Once we were both at home again, we called each other like nothing had happened and played some games together for a bit until we started discussing what the hell had taken place that day.

Him eliminating the awkwardness between us

He apologised for most aspects within minutes of that phone call without me having to make him understand what had went wrong.

He explained that he had kept the insane amount of distance between us because I had told him before that I love my personal space and appreciate it when people don't disturb that. I laughed that one off and told him he didn't have to worry about being too close - I can defend my personal space well. When someone is too close, I will either tell them or gently push them away, depending on how well I know that person.

He then went on to say that he would've loved to offer to pay for food (which is too much for me) but that he knew I didn't want that. I explained again why this is my point of view and told him that there would be a time and a place for that situation to take place.

Photo by Giuseppe Mondì on Unsplash
Photo by Giuseppe Mondì on Unsplash

In the end, I felt light-hearted and told him I was looking foward to meeting him again, hopefully a little longer this time.

What are your experiences when meeting someone in real life for the first time?

Very curious to read your responses to my experience :)!

How not to meet someone you met online in real life (first meet-up/date advice) [Three months of online dating series]
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Most Helpful Girl

  • DizzyDesii
    One of my relationships started online. We talked for a month and then started dating (something i won't do again until we meet in person before becoming official). We didn't meet in person til month 4 lmao... he kept making excuses so i figured something was up. But no he just had strict hypocritical parents up his ass. They met online as well before even birthing him so how dare they. Anyways, me and my friend take a roadtrip some states over because he's heading downsouth to meet some fam in Georgia. We get to the theme park and his sister was attached to his hip. It was fckin weird. Then he kept trying to share a drink with me and she was trying to share a drink with him. I literally told her to back off. He sent her off with my best friend but they split up eventually. He kept trying to hold my hand and all that and I don't know it was just too soon for me lol. Im not comfortable enough to kiss and all that within the first 2 hours. My friend ended up having a heatstroke and had to go home and she was mad at me for not joining her. Then his sis was stuck with us again and got mad that he paid her no attention. We totally dodged her and he and i went off to makeout and stuff once i was comfortable. That night we had dinner with his parents who were rude. Then his mom nearly died when he got down to propose (jokingly). Then i jerked him off in the car ride home while his sister watched in the backseat like a weirdo. When they dropped me off at my friends apartment, he and i made out on the outter staircase. Then he carried me to some random persons door and had me up against it as we got a little naughty. The door across opens and its my friends grandma like WHAT TF! Im forced to go inside and has to leave but wants to come back tomorrow. His mean ass parents say no, so we basically only got to see eachother for 8 hours after waiting 3 months. Lmao there's so much more but yea
    Is this still revelant?
    • DizzyDesii

      Great mytake byw

    • DizzyDesii

      Im shocked you still wanted to see him again. He flaked too much for me

    • OH MY GOD :DDDDDDD
      Your story sounded absolutely insane and I have to say that that's crazier than I could've ever imagined LOL.
      I get your point though with how meeting someone at some point stops making sense once you now your online personas too well... It makes the whole experience that much more awkward LOL.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Avicenna
    I’ve had some interesting experiences in Europe doing just this. Will share more later.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Avicenna

      Two of my girlfriends In my 20s I had the first serious date with by spending a long weekend with them and I took train rides of 4-5 hours to see them (one was in Germany, the other in Switzerland) But I definitely would not have done that for 15 minutes! Plus, I was on time.

    • I like the idea of that a lot, it's just that I knew I didn't want him to meet me at my place or something like that and since I'm not DTF it was rather clear we'd only ever be in public places.
      I think the preface is different when people meet me, a lot of men have to change their entire approach, most aren't willing to do that - luckily, he is/was, so we'll see where it goes.

    • 15mins really was weird, but it was that short because his friend pushed him to take an earlier train back (apparently they're both busy) and I didn't immediately find him at first.
      However, he admitted that his friend was too much to handle that day and "absolut unnötiger Ballast". He also apologised for the strange situation this created. I'm fine with it now.

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What Girls & Guys Said

311
  • Pasiton5
    Can't really fault the guy you set the terms he out of respect to you acknowledged them and you still complained took her removed you if what you set out beforehand and I hope you 2 get along great and live happily ever forever, did you think to ask him what he does for a living and just be careful it is a lot of not so nice guys on those sites seems you found a decent one still take care use caution trust no one til they earned it
    • Exactly. I was confused - I didn't complain, his entire behaviour seemed off to me and once he explained it to me, it made a lot of sense!
      We haven't exchanged that much personal information, he doesn't know my last name or where I live for example and neither do I know that information about him, it takes time to get to know each other and I want to really enjoy the process!

    • Pasiton5

      Yeah but you might want get that info before you meet that way you can tell your girl hey I'm going to meet this dude named Jack last name ripper lives over in some back alley you know what I mean but be safe never panic and test him for covid before you kiss him and while waiting for results to come back maintain 6 feet distance and wear a mask and sanitize your hands to be safe,

    • LOL.
      I love your American way of thinking. He had Covid-19 very early, he could technically get it again but people here take safety measures very seriously, so everything is good.
      We already met, twice, I felt very safe, otherwise I would've immediately ran away, I don't mess around when it comes to that.
      Kissing is far away, I'm not one of those people who can segregate emotions from physical stuff, I don't want to kiss him yet and once I get the feeling that I want to, I will.
      Thanks for caring though, your response was very sweet - I always meet people in public places, I'm way more comfortable that way.

  • likelyOK
    I don’t know why you bothered after he cxl 3x I only accept once with ample notice and apologies, and a reasonable excuse. Men will treat you the way you allow them to, meaning you’ll attract what you put up with.
    • In general, I agree, but I'm all for having an open mind and acceptig people's apologies at the moment.
      In one of my past relationships, I experienced what it is like when you're not given a chance despite being right and trying hard.
      His timing was off. Him not being here that long was weird, but he knows it wasn't okay and since he apologised for it, I feel like it's taken care of now to be honest.
      :)
      I feel like some men need to see you in person to start caring about you, to start pursuing a more serious, deep connection with you, and I'm cool with taking things slow at the moment.
      But to be quite frank - I'm young, I'm not in a rush, I sill have time and energy to mess around. If I was 30, I'd think very differently about the encounter too.

    • likelyOK

      Haha when I was young I put up with even less but I was very beautiful still am just not as young.
      But I can understand given your past experience.

    • Jamie05rhs

      @tallandsweet I pretty much agree with @likelyOK. But I'm also grateful that people exist with your level of compassion and understanding.

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  • Jamie05rhs
    I'm laughing to myself right now because he sounds like me. (Except for the part about bringing a friend. That's kind of weird.)

    Though I can't believe he only gave you 15 minutes. Does he not know that you shouldn't schedule things after dates? He should have planned better; that way he wouldn't have run out of time. (Then again, he only had 2 days notice, so maybe it was something he had already planned that he wasn't able to cancel.)
    • The only reason he had to get back so early was his friend who apparently had something to do.
      We agreed to just forget this every happened, lol :D

    • Jamie05rhs

      Lol. His friend is lame. If it were me, I would have just been like, "Fine, dude! If you need to go, then go."

    • :D Even if that friend joined you on a 3 hours train ride?
      I understood that they wanted to go back together, I was fine with that too.

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  • DannyUk2017
    F**k... just wrote soo much, and my screen flipped and all my draft gone...🤦‍♂️, pff i have to re-do it again... so here it goes...
    Well first off, when u said that he came with a "friend" to meet you byt didn't had more than 15 minutes, now that... Is No Good!. Ordering food and paying for his "friend" but not for you... thats another bell riging... having go back and acted and start talking lik nothing Happened, now that's another flag... To me, out of ur story are 2 things.. Either is Gay, either is Bisexual! I mean let me tell "the other future dating guys on girls out there), i know it will sound "old" but thats how it was and thats how i will keep doing, no matter what!.
    When going on a meeting/date no matter the intention as a Guy always, and i mean Always had to BE PREPARED! (not really have to expect "something"will happen)... Classic/casual wear, or Smart Dress well... Meeting a girl/woman...
    1-You always Have time no matter what (rushing things can lead to a disater date) and regrets that will put both on the 🔥 water or thinking mode.
    2-Arrive at the meeting 15 Minutes Early if its 20-30 no matter (some times the longer the better) gives you (the man) "time" to adjust things.
    3-Buy Beautiful/decent Flowers,(think of how would u describe her): if there are Roses"red"(means u Love her) if are White Roses (u see her as Pure himan beeing), if White Lilies or other Light bouquet (u see her as The shine or your light, or Beautiful As a Spring Day)... and there are many, many associations..
    4-Even if she has money (You pay) for all the bits, coffee, lunch, dinner, travel from point A-B, if you go togheter.
    So yeah.. these are a few things that i do on a "first" meeting... so.. yeah.. kinda makes you thinking a bit...
    Pfewww... good i didn't loose my draft again 😁😁
    • P. S. sorry for my mistakes but i'm "rushing too" hehe... to get to work...😁😁😁

    • Hey, thanks for your response. He's neither bisexual nor gay, he was just trying to make me feel more comfortable and to prove a point.
      I'm okay with how this went down, I'd have immediately written him off as a creep if he had showed up with flowers to be honest.
      Especially since this wasn't a date, just a meet-up!

    • Ohh no flowers? Sorry about that! Didn't know girls/women don't like flowers nomore 🙈🙈🙈

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  • dandiecandie
    Honestly if it had happened to me what had happened to you i would have told him straight in a rhetorical question format. It seems like he didn't care about you or your time so why should you care about him or his busy schedule. Who does he think he is?
    You deserve better! Guys like him have their own issues but they shouldn't make their problems yours. He didn't seem genuine with you and you were. That means you're both at different levels. He needs to work on himself before he can meet an adult.
    • Aww, that's so sweet of you, thanks for caring boo :))
      I met him again after all and that went well. I don't see this going much further at the moment, but we'll see.
      I'm busy talking to many people from university and I can see him being uneasy about that despite us not being together.
      That's just a bit weird for me personally.
      However, I prefer getting to know older men because they seem to appreciate me more - they're more aware of the fact that girls like me are rare (I don't want to sound arrogant, but just as an example, I'm saving myself for marriage, which is very uncommon in Central Europe).
      I love being showered with attention and love.
      I miss that, but I'm also happy being single.

    • I know the feeling but I'm over it! There is so much more to a woman. At the end of the day its all about respect and that comes from within. I dont tolerate disrespect because it's one of the most preliminary basic acts that a human can transmit to another.

  • jimmy2
    For one i sm glad you are safe. I wonder about him traveling that long and only gave you 15 Minutes. Werid. If was me i would have said may i come closer and hug you. Lets go get food.. at least you have meet him.
    • Yeah, he was just proving a point, I'm okay with it now and the second time was much nicer anyways :D

  • I don't know the way he cancels all the time and only had 15 minutes seems pretty weird to me, even if he apologized for the rest. If he has such a tight schedule why is he so disorganised? He wasted your time by making you travel longer than you met up and he wasted his friends time by taking him on this trip he probably didn't want to be on. I don't like people who don't respect my time since it's the most valuable thing we have.

    I wouldn't meet up with a person if they cancelled on me 3 times and I definitely wouldn't keep meeting a person if the first meeting was like this. But it's up to you.
    • I know, right? It was really rude in my opinion that he didn't tell me how much time he had, but to be honest, I really appreciated him coming at all. He said that all he wanted was to prove a point he'd made on the phone, and he did, so I was satisfied.
      As someone on the spectrum though the whole thing confused me more than it aided me in understanding what our connection was all about.

      I wrote a take on the second time we met, which went a lot better, otherwise I would've made up an excuse and gotten the hell out of the situation.
      I'm still young and essentially I didn't have a life outside of school for the last four years, I'm very open for new experiences right now.

    • Overall he did manage to explain what had happened to me and was polite, funny and nice enough that I figured giving him one more chance couldn't hurt.
      I mainly ended up giving him another chance because I thought I was comparing him with my ex too much - when I met my ex for the first time, the situation was different, I was the one who had less than an hour to spare, I was the one new to the city, I was the one who went home feeling like I had just conquered Minotauros or whatever because meeting him had felt like a great task that I had finally accomplished (we had known each other for 8 months by then).

      I felt safer this time despite knowing less about him. His behaviour was really weird, but I do genuinely believe that he didn't want me to feel the way I did.
      Maybe the whole thing was too spontaneous. It's all fine now though, no hard feelings.
      Had a Lachflash or two when I told a friend about this really weird experience though :D

    • Jamie05rhs

      LMAO. He did it to "prove a point"! 🤣 That totally sounds like me!

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  • Jjpayne
    Thanks for sharing your real life dating experiences with us! It's pretty cool 😎
  • msc545
    Sounds like a pretty bad experience overall. I wouldn't repeat it.
    • :D To be fair, I encouraged him to see me despite not having a lot of time.

    • despite him not having a lot of time*
      I would've been free that entire night LOL.

    • msc545

      If I thought there was a chance of seeing you, I would have been free all week...:)

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  • SavageGirl101
    Awwww I’m glad he wasn’t a catfish❤️
    • Me too. We facetimed a lot before meeting each other though, that obviously helps :D

    • Yesssss u didn’t need any 56 year old man hiding behind a 20 year old pfp meeting up with u😭✋

    • Exactly! I don't understand why people go on spontaneous dates/meet-ups with people they're not even certain that they look like their profile picture.
      It took a while until he sent me more pictures of him, but we started to enjoy facetiming/calling a loooottttt, so that problem did handle itself really.

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  • Silverio_Stieger
    Well as you said yourself "This wasn't a date, simply a meet-up. I had made sure beforehand that he knew what to expect and what not to expect" you exactly had what you "want". You internally expected he was more affectionate towards you (and in that respect you would have had to impose yourself, maybe even rejecting him a little), and in reality you got your meet-up, id est, "you're just another normal person, so I treat you that way", meaning no special treatment. And then you were somewhat frustrated (then you're inconsistent and somehow hypocrit).

    In conclusion: you expected to be on the powerful side and it appears he was on that side all along 🤣
    • Jamie05rhs

      @Silverio_Stieger You do have some good points. But you're taking it too far, because it's not a "power" thing.

    • Manner of speaking: she thought she would have the last word, in fact she didn't even had the first!

    • Jamie05rhs

      Where did she say that she wanted to have the last word?

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  • Myk13
    Sorry that your first meeting didn’t go so well. Hopefully he can allocate more of his time for you on the next try. Personally, I would have written them off. After canceling three times. I’m sure you have your reasons for giving him another chance.
    My online experiences are a little different. Only one cancellation is acceptable. Two cancellations and I move on. The big differences with me are that we only text, email or whatever a couple of times. Usually very general with a couple more photos. Then talk on the phone 1 or 2 times at most. They say what they’re thinking. I counter with an idea or accept theirs and we set up a when and where. Then some sort of role playing sexual adventure or whatever floats your boat. If everything goes well, we will contact each other again someday.
    • Hey, it's all fine, I hope so too!
      The second time was a lot nicer. I don't write someone off just because they're busy - I know that the type of men I like usually don't have time for a relationship, it takes some convincing to get them to want to get to know me more.
      That's why I'm fine with allowing up to three cancellations GIVEN THAT I feel like they actually WANT to meet me!
      Otherwise, there's no point in talking to someone online for me personally anymore.
      I don't like exploring sexual stuff before meeting each other - I expect more than that from a potential boyfriend and husband. Someone who respects me won't try to talk to me about these topics, that's that.

    • Myk13

      You sound like the type that would enjoy being chased. Not that you expect to be or anything. Are you really that hard to get to know?

    • I love being chased, but I don't allow men to chase me usually. I'm not easy to approach, I don't let people in easily, but I think I'm pretty Central European when it comes to that lol. It's pretty normal in my opinion not to be "easy" in any way.
      I'm complicated. But right now, I do try to let people in more, while at the same time being aware of the fact that I don't want another heart break this or next year; unfortunately, these things cannot be planned.

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  • RingOfFire
    Lame excuses. The guy sounds like a jerk.
    • Actually he sounds like a guy who knows it's own value. Respect!

  • mrgspoter
    Not so, so so.
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