[This is a continuation of two myTakes posted over the past two days. See Part 1 here:
and Part 2 here:
13. Don't focus on one user as the object of your desires. You may see a profile of someone who seems to be perfect for you. There are a few obstacles standing between you and walking Mister or Miss Perfect down the aisle.
a. They may not exist, or they might be a scammer! Yes, it may be a fake profile. "She" might be some bald-headed, middle aged guy sitting in a lousy apartment somewhere in Russia, trying to scam desperate guys out of their cash. Scammers will pretend to have a desperate longing to be with you but they need money to bribe officials to get their passport and then you can have a joyous union. Of course, their only passionate longing is to separate you from your hard-earned cash.
Within the past hour, I messaged a user on POF. She looked "too good to be true" so I was skeptical. She quickly replied that she was very interested in meeting me and gave me her phone number and email address. This is almost always a sign that the user is a scammer. Within fifteen minutes, her profile disappeared from POF, undoubtedly shut down by the site administrators.
b. They may not be an active user. Maybe she created a profile because that was required before she could browse the site, she did that once, and she has never returned.
c. They may have already found someone else and be dating them exclusively. If he or she is a great catch, others have noticed them, also.
d. They may not think you are a perfect match. Yeah, it’s a crazy thought but it happens!
e. He or she may not be exactly what their profile represents. When you meet them, you may experience a huge disappointment!
14. Guys, contact many women. Most women on dating sites create a profile and then wait for guys to contact them. Some women will be assertive and initiate contact, but the contact is usually a rather trite “Hi there!” Ladies, if you are going to be assertive and contact guys, contact many guys and don;t just say "hi, there!" Do you realize how lame that sounds?
Guys, the more women you contact, the greater are the odds that you will receive a sincere and interested response. Many women who receive messages simply do not respond if they are not interested and the response rate for emails you send may not be higher than 10%. You won’t necessarily recognize them, but there are many profiles that are either fake or were created by women who wanted to browse but they never subscribed and they never became active on the web site. So, send out many messages so you know that at least some of them are reaching “live” users.
15. Don’t assume that a user is active simply because the web site says the user was last online 2 hours ago. If the web site shows when the user was last active, don’t rely on that bit of information to have any validity. If you leave your laptop, tablet, etc. turned on and you don’t actually log out of the site, it will indicate that you are currently online even if you haven’t actually browsed the site in the past week.
16. Don't send a "canned" message. You may have written an initial message to send to anyone of interest and it may be cute and clever but most people will recognize that it is canned. Their reaction? “He isn’t interested enough in me to take the time to read my profile and write something that’s actually intended for me? I’m supposed to respond even though I know I’m probably only 43rd on the list of women who received this same message today? I’ll show him!” Fail! Epic fail! And she may have been an ideal match for you.
Read their profile and say something in your message that indicates you read it. Women want to know that you care about more than just how big their boobs are. "Hey, that's really cool that you're such a big college football fan," or "I have a friend who recently moved to your hometown," or “I’m a classic rock fan, too. The last concert I went to was Journey.”
17. Keep your initial email relatively short. Five or six sentences should be quite sufficient. Anything longer may make the recipient think that you are too eager, too anxious to establish contact, and perhaps/probably a loser. That is not necessarily a valid conclusion but you won’t get a second chance to correct a bad first impression. So, avoid anything that sounds too serious. “Hey, that’s cool that you’re looking for a serious relationship. I’m ready to get married now, too.” It doesn't matter that SHE said she wants to get married; I'm telling you, Send that and you’ll never hear from her again. It's not logical bit that's the way it works!
18. Ladies . . . PLEASE respond. Girls, many of you will receive a message, and you then will read the sender's profile and decide that you are not interested without even reading the message, so you will delete it unread. As soon as that occurs, if the sender is a paid subscription user, they will receive a notification that the message has been deleted without being read. Imagine how very cold that feels for us guys!
You can help to make this a kinder and gentler world. Yes, some of those messages were canned messages but some were written especially for you. Read every message and send us a reply, "I appreciate the expression of your interest. After reading your profile, I believe that we would not be a good match. Good luck in your search." Do you think of yourself as a kind person? Prove it!
19. Recognize that online dating is very scary for women. Understand that online dating is scary for women. They could be corresponding with a serial killer without realizing it.
Do everything that you can to allay their fears or concerns. Tell them that you don't want to be pen pals forever but you don't want to rush them into meeting you before they are ready. After exchanging a few messages, give her your cell phone number. Let her call you. She feels safer when she is in control of this. Talk on the telephone a few times before suggesting a meeting.
20. At last . . . your first meeting! WHEN SHE IS READY, agree to meet her at a public place that will be safe for her. A coffee shop on Saturday afternoon is a good safe meeting place and time. A bar at 10 PM is not. You may know that you are safe and harmless but she doesn’t know that; from her perspective, your apartment is not a safe meeting place, not for your initial meeting. Some ladies may be interested in meeting you for dinner, but some will not, so give them a choice. "Would you like to meet at the Caffeine Fiend on Saturday afternoon or meet for dinner Saturday night? Someplace like the Olive Garden or Outback?" Choose places with which she is most likely to be familiar.
When that first meeting has come to an end, don't suggest that she get in your car to go somewhere else. Again, from her perspective, that is not a safe thing to do. Don’t try to rush things. Just let the date come to an end.
21. Escort her back to her car. At the end of the meeting, ask her if you can walk her back to her car. It is the gentlemanly thing to do. If she does not want to see you again, she will probably decline the offer. If that is what happens, thank her for the opportunity to meet her but ask if you can call her again. Don't assume anything and it is a perfectly good question to ask. If you don’t think you want to see her again, tell her that you appreciated the chance to meet her but you think the two of you are not a good match. Most women will appreciate your candor. You don’t need to say, “and I hope I never see you again ‘cause you are butt ugly!” That goes beyond candor and she may pull out a gun and shoot you. You don’t know her that well!
22. To kiss or not to kiss at the end of the initial meeting? Some women consider the first meeting to not be a date while others do. Even if she considers it a "date," she may not be expecting a good night kiss at the end of the first date. Trying to get that good night kiss when she is unprepared may ruin an otherwise successful meeting.
If you feel a definite attraction and you sense that she also feels an attraction . . . no one ever lost points by asking, “May I give you a good night kiss?” If she says, “Yes,” that is not an invitation to exchange slobber and remove her tonsils by suction. Just give her a simple kiss on the lips – no tongue – but you can make the kiss last for a few seconds. If she wants anything more passionate than that, she will let you know.
23. Have realistic expectations. Most first dates, whether arranged through online dating or the more traditional methods, do not result in long term relationships. You may have 5-8 first meetings before you meet someone who is worthy of the investment of your time and attention. As is true of all dating, you will have many one-time-only meetings, fewer two-or-three-dates-but-ultimately-unsuccessful relationships, very few long term relationships, and – hopefully – only one who you decide is The One.
24. Don't let the process bring you down. You will encounter some jerks and rude people but don't let them make you disrespectful of others. Have standards for how you treat others and base those standards on how YOU want to be treated by them. That is the Golden Rule.
If the person you meet is a jerk, or you have two or three dates and it doesn’t work, don’t blame online dating.
Those same things happen with people you meet in the more traditional ways. Just try to learn something from the experience and move forward!
I hope this helps. Good luck in your search for The One!