Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)

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Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)

[This is a continuation of two myTakes posted over the past two days. See Part 1 here:

Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results...Read This! (Part 1)

and Part 2 here:

Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 2)

13. Don't focus on one user as the object of your desires. You may see a profile of someone who seems to be perfect for you. There are a few obstacles standing between you and walking Mister or Miss Perfect down the aisle.

a. They may not exist, or they might be a scammer! Yes, it may be a fake profile. "She" might be some bald-headed, middle aged guy sitting in a lousy apartment somewhere in Russia, trying to scam desperate guys out of their cash. Scammers will pretend to have a desperate longing to be with you but they need money to bribe officials to get their passport and then you can have a joyous union. Of course, their only passionate longing is to separate you from your hard-earned cash.

If this girl wants to meet a 64 year old guy, do you THINK it might be a scam?
If this girl wants to meet a 64 year old guy, do you THINK it might be a scam?

Within the past hour, I messaged a user on POF. She looked "too good to be true" so I was skeptical. She quickly replied that she was very interested in meeting me and gave me her phone number and email address. This is almost always a sign that the user is a scammer. Within fifteen minutes, her profile disappeared from POF, undoubtedly shut down by the site administrators.

b. They may not be an active user. Maybe she created a profile because that was required before she could browse the site, she did that once, and she has never returned.

c. They may have already found someone else and be dating them exclusively. If he or she is a great catch, others have noticed them, also.

d. They may not think you are a perfect match. Yeah, it’s a crazy thought but it happens!

Yes, you may be a square peg and she is a round hole.  You think shes wonderful but it will never work!
Yes, you may be a square peg and she is a round hole. You think she's wonderful but it will never work!

e. He or she may not be exactly what their profile represents. When you meet them, you may experience a huge disappointment!

Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)

14. Guys, contact many women. Most women on dating sites create a profile and then wait for guys to contact them. Some women will be assertive and initiate contact, but the contact is usually a rather trite “Hi there!” Ladies, if you are going to be assertive and contact guys, contact many guys and don;t just say "hi, there!" Do you realize how lame that sounds?

Guys, the more women you contact, the greater are the odds that you will receive a sincere and interested response. Many women who receive messages simply do not respond if they are not interested and the response rate for emails you send may not be higher than 10%. You won’t necessarily recognize them, but there are many profiles that are either fake or were created by women who wanted to browse but they never subscribed and they never became active on the web site. So, send out many messages so you know that at least some of them are reaching “live” users.

15. Don’t assume that a user is active simply because the web site says the user was last online 2 hours ago. If the web site shows when the user was last active, don’t rely on that bit of information to have any validity. If you leave your laptop, tablet, etc. turned on and you don’t actually log out of the site, it will indicate that you are currently online even if you haven’t actually browsed the site in the past week.

16. Don't send a "canned" message. You may have written an initial message to send to anyone of interest and it may be cute and clever but most people will recognize that it is canned. Their reaction? “He isn’t interested enough in me to take the time to read my profile and write something that’s actually intended for me? I’m supposed to respond even though I know I’m probably only 43rd on the list of women who received this same message today? I’ll show him!” Fail! Epic fail! And she may have been an ideal match for you.

Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)

Read their profile and say something in your message that indicates you read it. Women want to know that you care about more than just how big their boobs are. "Hey, that's really cool that you're such a big college football fan," or "I have a friend who recently moved to your hometown," or “I’m a classic rock fan, too. The last concert I went to was Journey.”

17. Keep your initial email relatively short. Five or six sentences should be quite sufficient. Anything longer may make the recipient think that you are too eager, too anxious to establish contact, and perhaps/probably a loser. That is not necessarily a valid conclusion but you won’t get a second chance to correct a bad first impression. So, avoid anything that sounds too serious. “Hey, that’s cool that you’re looking for a serious relationship. I’m ready to get married now, too.” It doesn't matter that SHE said she wants to get married; I'm telling you, Send that and you’ll never hear from her again. It's not logical bit that's the way it works!

What a jerk! she is thinking.
"What a jerk!" she is thinking.

18. Ladies . . . PLEASE respond. Girls, many of you will receive a message, and you then will read the sender's profile and decide that you are not interested without even reading the message, so you will delete it unread. As soon as that occurs, if the sender is a paid subscription user, they will receive a notification that the message has been deleted without being read. Imagine how very cold that feels for us guys!

Dont be an ice queen . . . please!
Don't be an ice queen . . . please!

You can help to make this a kinder and gentler world. Yes, some of those messages were canned messages but some were written especially for you. Read every message and send us a reply, "I appreciate the expression of your interest. After reading your profile, I believe that we would not be a good match. Good luck in your search." Do you think of yourself as a kind person? Prove it!

19. Recognize that online dating is very scary for women. Understand that online dating is scary for women. They could be corresponding with a serial killer without realizing it.

Cereal killers/serial killers . . . dark humor!
Cereal killers/serial killers . . . dark humor!

Do everything that you can to allay their fears or concerns. Tell them that you don't want to be pen pals forever but you don't want to rush them into meeting you before they are ready. After exchanging a few messages, give her your cell phone number. Let her call you. She feels safer when she is in control of this. Talk on the telephone a few times before suggesting a meeting.

20. At last . . . your first meeting! WHEN SHE IS READY, agree to meet her at a public place that will be safe for her. A coffee shop on Saturday afternoon is a good safe meeting place and time. A bar at 10 PM is not. You may know that you are safe and harmless but she doesn’t know that; from her perspective, your apartment is not a safe meeting place, not for your initial meeting. Some ladies may be interested in meeting you for dinner, but some will not, so give them a choice. "Would you like to meet at the Caffeine Fiend on Saturday afternoon or meet for dinner Saturday night? Someplace like the Olive Garden or Outback?" Choose places with which she is most likely to be familiar.

When that first meeting has come to an end, don't suggest that she get in your car to go somewhere else. Again, from her perspective, that is not a safe thing to do. Don’t try to rush things. Just let the date come to an end.

21. Escort her back to her car. At the end of the meeting, ask her if you can walk her back to her car. It is the gentlemanly thing to do. If she does not want to see you again, she will probably decline the offer. If that is what happens, thank her for the opportunity to meet her but ask if you can call her again. Don't assume anything and it is a perfectly good question to ask. If you don’t think you want to see her again, tell her that you appreciated the chance to meet her but you think the two of you are not a good match. Most women will appreciate your candor. You don’t need to say, “and I hope I never see you again ‘cause you are butt ugly!” That goes beyond candor and she may pull out a gun and shoot you. You don’t know her that well!

22. To kiss or not to kiss at the end of the initial meeting? Some women consider the first meeting to not be a date while others do. Even if she considers it a "date," she may not be expecting a good night kiss at the end of the first date. Trying to get that good night kiss when she is unprepared may ruin an otherwise successful meeting.

Hopefully, this is NOT your experience!
Hopefully, this is NOT your experience!

If you feel a definite attraction and you sense that she also feels an attraction . . . no one ever lost points by asking, “May I give you a good night kiss?” If she says, “Yes,” that is not an invitation to exchange slobber and remove her tonsils by suction. Just give her a simple kiss on the lips – no tongue – but you can make the kiss last for a few seconds. If she wants anything more passionate than that, she will let you know.

23. Have realistic expectations. Most first dates, whether arranged through online dating or the more traditional methods, do not result in long term relationships. You may have 5-8 first meetings before you meet someone who is worthy of the investment of your time and attention. As is true of all dating, you will have many one-time-only meetings, fewer two-or-three-dates-but-ultimately-unsuccessful relationships, very few long term relationships, and – hopefully – only one who you decide is The One.

Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)

24. Don't let the process bring you down. You will encounter some jerks and rude people but don't let them make you disrespectful of others. Have standards for how you treat others and base those standards on how YOU want to be treated by them. That is the Golden Rule.

If the person you meet is a jerk, or you have two or three dates and it doesn’t work, don’t blame online dating.

It was a GREAT movie (in 1979!)
It was a GREAT movie (in 1979!)

Those same things happen with people you meet in the more traditional ways. Just try to learn something from the experience and move forward!

I hope this helps. Good luck in your search for The One!

Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results... Read This! (Part 3)
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2Girl Opinion
11Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • Avicenna
    Excellent advice, as always. I personally don't think a kiss or even holding hands is a good idea on the first date because I want her to know that I'm serious about getting to know her and am not in a hurry for some hookup. I'd rather convey my interest by letting her know I had a great time and WHY, plus that I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I'll even go so far as to tell her what my upcoming schedule looks like as well as what sorts of activities I'd like to do (while also asking the same from her perspective).

    I will say this, though- as great as the convo have been, it's clear that the primary motivator of the women I've dated in recent months is physical attraction. That's great, but I want to be wanted for being a good and fun companion. It's clear that online dating magnifies this.
    Is this still revelant?
  • Anonymous
    You are overthinking this online dating thing...

    Basically put minimal info in your bio so girls won't quickly disqualify you..

    Post a decent picture...

    Just say Hey to the girls...

    If a girl likes you she will respond to a hey..

    If girl doesn't like you, she's not going to respond anyways so no point trying to be clever or interested in her bio, waste of time.
    Is this still revelant?
    • How has that worked for you in the past?

    • Avicenna

      He's right. Women contact you because they think you're attractive, not because of anything in one's bio.

    • Sorry to disagree, I prefer bio that actually has some info in it. Leaving it empty (like most guys do), won't help you stand out, and it's harder to reach out. If I see someone I'm interested in, and I want to make the first move, it's better to have something to talk to. "Hey - hey, how are u, fine, u?" is kind of shallow and annoying. And it also happened that what attracted me was a same hobby or interest, not looks. When a guy sends message first, the first thing I do is go see his bio. I want to know who I'm talking to. Having a bio shows that you've actually put some time and thought into it, and that you're serious about finding a partner. Also, it makes your profile more credible, since most fake profiles don't go into details.
      (Unless you're not there for a serious relationship, then having empty bio is totally fine)

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • rnlynmrn
    honestly i'm scared with online dating because mostly the guys i met are just asking for nudes :(
    Is this still revelant?
    • Do the guys you meet IRL not ask for nudes? I thought that was a standard request from young "men."

    • _blank_

      Don't let them scare you. Sure there are a lot of assholes out there but definitely not everyone is like that. Try to resond to those guys which talk less (bullshit). They might be honest in their intentions.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • coachTanthony
    --------------------I didn't even know this got posted! Sorry for that late response. I agree with everything on here and they all make solid points.

    (From a coach's perspective)

    #18 though I usually take a different route with my female clients. I actually tell them not to respond to anyone they are not interested in. Block them if they have too.

    Imagine if a client of mine got 50 messages a day? I will instruct her to delete everyone of those messages for the first 2 weeks she is on the app or site. I will have them send messages to men they like instead for the first two weeks. More times then not the love of her life is not found in her inbox because too many "bad" messages will simply turn her off and poof she is gone.

    Problem with online dating is women give up usually after 30 days because they are trying to be polite and respond to every message or find themselves "arguing/educating" men on how they should act, send a message, or treat a woman.

    As a coach I have to break this cycle so I tell women to put that "response" on their profile at the very end especially if you are a woman who does get a ton of messages.

    Guys need to have a bit more thicker skin when it comes to online dating. For both Men and Women it's a mission.

    Obviously it would be nice to get responses but when it comes to my clients I am all about results and eliminating as much BS as I possibly can so they can be successful.

    Good take as usual!
    • I did not see that issue from a female perspective because. . . I am not a female! It is the eternal punishment for eating the apple in the Garden Of Eden: men and women will never really understand each other! Thanks for that perspective!

  • Lotusinwater
    I don't know that’s all good info but I feel like for a guy to get anywhere in online dating he has to be tall or look like a model it doesn’t work for short average looking guys
    • Are you saying that because you tried it and did not have any success?

    • Yup it’s ok though online dating just hasn’t worked for me and screwed with my self esteem iv done ok offline though so personally I feel it’s catered towards women and really physically attractive men I could be wrong and maby I’m just not good at online dating I don't know man

    • It's not the same as dating IRL. You've got to approach it different, and if you do, it works. The statistics are there: 20% of all couples met online and that number is growing!

  • bulletbob555
    I have read all 3. I think they should have the warning for entertainment only. I've tried but don't expect anything at this point. Haven't deleted because you just never know. Did see some ideas for fine tuning
    • I've been on POF and Bumble for 10 days and have first dates with three different ladies scheduled. I'm not rich and I might be a 6/10 on appearance. Your approach can make all the difference.

  • diamondBabe013
    Online dating seems to have a lot of psychopaths and losers in my experience
    • I stopped doing it. Tired of being duped by these dipshit boys.

    • crazy8000

      It's about the same with females

    • Nah. Maybe the hottest richest looking ones. Which is what complaining guys like you are usually only interested in.

    • Show All
  • Likes2drive
    Yeah that was a good take with good advice, it is a numbers game, the kissing part was good advice too and about women deleting our messages without reading is rude because I did see them do that and some even block me after one nice message
    • When you see that they deleted your message without even reading it. . . I think, "If she is that rude, she doesn't deserve 5 minutes of my time!"

  • selfdestruction
    Online dating 80% of women go for 20% of men. I don’t gamble... but that’s kinda fucked
    • And men like you I assume go for 20% of women; based on looks.

    • dman2796

      Nope, most men go after almost anyone

    • Yeah as booty calls and to string along but not seriously. Nobody wants to be a second option. Its not a compliment.

    • Show All
  • DiegoO
    They are valid points.

    I think anyone who does online dating should understand that you need even more patience to know someone online, besides the economical resources to take things further if you don't live close to the online date. You also gotta understand that you may encounter in person somebody far different than you expected, and from what you knew during the online contact.

    For me, it's a waste of time, energy and resources. It is better to date like how humanity dated for centuries.
    • Exactly. Boys go on there to play. With women's hearts, bodies and wallets. I ain't going there no more and putting myself in the fire. I think its an extremely stupid method for a woman to use a dating site.

    • I don't look for women who live more than 50 miles away from me. I do NOT recommend online dating to establish a long distance relationship.

  • UncleJessieRabbit
    What would be examples of good opening messages for contacting women?
    • crazy8000

      What ever pops up in your mind 😉

    • "Hey, I just saw your profile and it seems like we have some common interests. My favorite food is Mexican food, too. Whats your favorite spot for tacos?"

      "Hey, I read your profile and it's always great to come across another FSU alumnus. Do you go back to Tallahassee for football games very often?"

      "I read your profile and was glad to see that you said your religious beliefs are very important to you. Do you attend a local church? I attend Shepherd Of The Woods Lutheran Church and I sing in the choir."

    • lol the last one "Hey wanna go to Sunday school with me and hear some old guy ramble on about how scary our genitals are while we sit at least a foot away from each other with minimal eye contact?"

    • Show All
  • Physics-Man
    Your wisdom truly knows no bounds!
  • fewqw
    Anyone up for online dating? Lol