Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results...Read This! (Part 1)

OlderAndWiser u
Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results...Read This! (Part 1)

Online dating is here to stay. Some people use it and have great success while others try and only experience disappointment. If you're not a believer, consider this: a recent survey of couples (dating or married) indicates that 19% of all couples met online. This number is higher than the percentage of those who met through a friend (17%,) at a bar or restaurant (15%,) or though work (8%.)

Every single person can’t be successful with online dating but many people can get better results by following some suggestions. Online dating does not work exactly like traditional dating and if you are trying the same things online that work for you "in real life," the results may not be so great. First, let’s dispel a few rumors about online dating.

Rumor Number 1: “Online dating is only for desperate losers.” Yes, there are some desperate losers who use online dating. There are also desperate losers hanging out in bars and clubs.

You know what Im talkin bout!
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Your best friend’s brother might also set you up with his desperate loser friend. Regardless of how you meet, part of the initial process of dating involves weeding out the people who you consider to be desperate losers, and this is true with online dating . . . but EVERYONE on dating web sites is not a desperate loser! I have dated a retired judge, pediatrician, medical office manager, business owner, pharmacy technician, nurse, realtor, teacher, and other women who were reasonably attractive, not really psycho, had good jobs, owned their home, etc. I met all of those women online and, but for sites like Plenty Of Fish, those meetings would have never occurred.

“Online dating is only for desperate losers” is the sour-grapes song sung by those who have tried online dating and not had success . . . but their lack of success could have probably been remedied if they had not quit and if they had been receptive to some advice . . . the kind of advice I will give you below.

Rumor Number 2: “Online dating means that your entire relationship is conducted online and you never actually meet in person.” Apparently, a significant number of people believe this but it is absolutely false! Absolutely and totally wrong! Online dating is a way to meet potential dating partners. You exchange a few messages online to assure yourself that the other person doesn’t have any obvious red flags, then you exchange phone numbers and talk once or twice, and then you schedule a time to meet in person. Two nights ago, I met a lady online; tonight, she will be calling me, and within a week, I will ask her for a first date.

Now . . . here are the steps to successful online dating:

1. First, you need to understand why you are dating. Are you looking for someone for a long term relationship and possible marriage? Looking for casual dating/companion? Looking for a friend with benefits, one night stand, or maybe just a hookup? Your goal in dating will guide your selection of what site to use and how to put together your dating profile.

Online Dating: If You Havent Had Good Results...Read This! (Part 1)

It’s time to confess – at least to yourself – your true intentions. Dude, if you are 27 years old and you’ve actually started to think about being married and having a child, then it's time to admit that you want to find a wife and get married. Worried that it won't sound cool to your friends? Get some new friends who act age-appropriate! Denying the obvious truth won’t keep you young! You don't need to admit it to anyone else, but you do need to admit it to yourself and, if that’s what you want, then do something to make it happen!

2. Online dating does not need to replace traditional dating! If you become active on OKCupid or Bumble, that does not mean that you need to stop meeting anyone by the traditional methods. Online dating should be a supplement to traditional dating. However, as you become older, you will have fewer opportunities to meet available members of the opposite sex and you may rely more heavily on online dating.

3. Pick the right dating site. Some online sites cater to a particular crowd. Christian Mingle appeals to a certain sector and if you will only date another Christian, you should investigate that site. If you want a Jewish partner – alright, already! – check out Jdate. Tinder has a reputation as being a hookup site; maybe you can find a serious minded partner there but you will probably have better luck on other sites. On the other hand, if you are looking for a friend with benefits, Tinder may be ideal for you. Other sites seem to be geared towards older people, or specific racial groups, such as Black People Meet.

Look for reviews of dating sites and read them carefully. Remember that there are many people who meet their future spouse on these sites and there are others who never get a single date, so consider each reviewer’s possible bias. Don’t rely on just two or three reviews to shape your opinion. Also, consider the age of the reviewer, if that information is available. eHarmony may be a great site for someone over age 50 but lousy for people under age 25. Also, look at how long ago the review was posted. The quality of a dating site can increase or decrease over time, just like a restaurant, so rely more on the recent reviews that you read.

Find a website that gives you a higher likelihood of success at finding what you are truly looking for . . . or use two websites to increase your odds of finding good candidates for dating. Do some internet research, read reviews (and pay attention to who operates the web site that provides the reviews) and ask your friends for recommendations.

4. Paid vs. Free? Some sites offer free access with an option for a paid membership that offers more possibilities for communicating, and the costs are not prohibitive. What you are seeking is too important to worry about saving $50-60 (unless you just don't have $50-60, in which case you need to be thinking about how you can afford to date at all.)

Nope!  Wrong house!
Nope! Wrong house!

5. Take a "sneak peek." Before you create a profile, use the option of perusing a site as an unpaid guest, especially if you can view profiles. This may sound weird, but . . . after you have looked at some profiles of the opposite gender, look at profiles of users of YOUR gender and orientation. Know what your competition is. If most of the guys on a site look like stoners or drunks just looking to get laid . . . you need to know that. If most of the ladies post pictures of themselves in lingerie . . . you ladies need to know that. Maybe this is the site for you and maybe not.

6. Don't pick a stupid username. This is not a good time to demonstrate your sense of humor. Here are a few examples of ladies’ user names currently being used online:

Sexylove might be a great name if you are wanting to get laid tonight. Awful name if you are looking for a husband.

PurpleWitch1956 is a, uh . . . why would you call yourself a witch?

Puppylove666 makes her sound immature. OR does it mean she prefer the doggy position? OR does “666” mean she is a religious fanatic OR is she making fun of Christianity?

Ladies aren’t the only ones picking stupid user names.

IFartALot . . . seriously, how many of you ladies are interested in a guy that calls himself IFartALot?

Choose a username which is either neutral – like ColumbusDude or LouisvilleLass – or which gives a complimentary reference to your character or your interests. A username like HonorableMan might get the interest of many women in their 50’s and 60’s but be ignored by younger women. Think about what will be appealing to the opposite gender in your age group.


Online Dating: If You Haven't Had Good Results...Read This! (Part 1)
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9Girl Opinion
20Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • coachTanthony
    --------------Spot on man!

    Online Dating seems to be one of those topics where you either love it or you hate it. I personally think the ones who hate it don't really know how to use it or think it's just for "good looking" people.

    They couldn't be more wrong but you can only lead a horse to can't make them drink.

    So I am excited to read this 3 part series that can help shed some light on some of these myths and false truths that are out there.

    Very nice take!
    Is this still revelant?
    • I appreciate your kind words! I have been back on POF, and signed up for Bumble, 8 days ago. I have already had one date, have talked to a few ladies, and expect to schedule two more first dates in the next week. If this is how "losers" live, then call me a loser! Why would I care? :) :) :)

    • Yep.. pass those grapes!

    • Thanks for the MHO

  • Likes2drive
    I’ve been trying it for years, it’s a numbers game, I get messages sometimes and have met people, I haven’t given up and will keep trying since it’s the only way I can meet people that are also single and know what they are looking for , can’t do that irl just by looking at them. So your advice is good for many people trying but there is way more men than women on there
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • SydneySentinel
    Good take, sir! There may be a time when I'll give online dating another shot.
    Rule 2-- One problem I had in the past was someone wanting to meet sooner than I was ready. Even the ones that are looking for a long term relationship sometimes wanted to meet immediately! Eek... that's too soon!!
    Is this still revelant?
    • That issue will be covered in my Rule 19, which is in the third installment.

    • @SydneySentinel People want to meet soon because they want to see what the other person REALLY looks like before they commit emotionally. Pictures can be deceiving. Also, it isn't just about looks. They want to see how the person conducts themselves and what their personality is like in real life.

    • @Jamie05rhs i dont mind meeting soon like within a week or 2 because guys can give creep energy irl and you may not see it in pics. Also you can't read their face as they talk to you online. He could be snickerng with every text he sends, and making stuff up and lying and scheming...

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  • Desconhecida
    I loved your take. You have a great view about the topic. I started reading because of our recent talk over the POF app. Most of the times people who use apps and sites have no idea what they are doing wrong starting by the actual reason they are there.
    I can't wait for the sequels!
    Is this still revelant?

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Robertcw
    Meh. Real life is better. For instance, isn't it odd that everyone on Tinder looks amazing but go out in public and you wonder where all those people are at?

    Or worse, you run into someone IRL after an unsuccessful attempt on the app?

    There's just too many problems with that.
    • Many people have good results!

    • Avicenna

      Bumble is the only one I've gotten good results on, and they were very good.

    • zagor

      Not everyone is in a situation where they get to meet a lot of people in RL. If you're over 30 and busy af then going out to meet club bunnies doesn't have much appeal.

  • Sensmind
    Yeah very sound advice - I liked the one about undercover snooping to get a feel for the site.
    Paid Vs Free - I couldn't agree more, its so worth it, I would say on some sites free areas are 75% suspect due to scammers, messers, fakers and people who just have a vague passing interest. The other 25% may often get lost in the morass.
    At least you know the people who paid are serious before anyone else says it maybe some are too serious.
    I have dabbled a bit in paid dating sites but more often not just couldn't commit the time and energy to make online dating a success plus my personality probably doesn't suit online dating. I couldn't small talk my way out of a wet paper bag, I have zero social skills and I wait for people to get to know me before they can decide if they like the real me. My profile would be something like "This is what you get, no frills, I am exactly what it says on the tin" , I may come across like someone who has been in the wild prospecting for gold for about 2 years but if I had time to explain once I get used to you, I often come across as a nice guy.
    Also I think geography and age comes into, I read some of the negative stuff on sites like this one and it seems to me that many of the western users of a certain age have too much expectation and get disappointed. I would like to play quarterback in the Superbowl but I KNOW it won't happen so January passes each year without too much heartache.
    Yeah getting back to the groups I moved around in on sites (Mainly Irish and over 40) I found it more genuine although there was a problem with a few being too serious, impression I got if you just had patience and were yourself, you should get some dates in time and if lucky you could click with someone but is a 25 year willing to go a year , only maybe get 10 dates, get somewhere with 3 and have a middling chance one of them was a good prospect of a long term date. I can't remember price of last site I was on but I wouldn't surprise if most paid sites are at least 25 dollars a month now.
    I am all for reaching for the stars with your expectations but it helps to make sure you have a spaceship that works.
  • R_Cakes91
    My whole thing is that it only takes one person you talk to online to fall in love. I met a bunch of guys from online that turned out to be kinda off. I also met my current boyfriend from tinder.

    There is a lot of disappointment in online dating but you can also find good people too
  • Testaccount65754
    Thanks, but I think I'm just going to stop using it from now on.

    The lack of control on these things really drives me insane, approaching women in real life is more controllable and quicker.
    • I agree. its frustrating not seeing how he's feeling about me written on his face.

    • I can approach 6-7 women per day if I devote a few hours to the process. Can you beat that with traditional alternatives?

    • Avicenna

      A few hours of messaging women is boring to me. Face-to-face convos are not.

      Wish you could come see what it's like where I live, Older.

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  • nella965
    its so hilarious because I have been online dating for years and still have yet to come across a single guy who can impress me. Online dating is stupid. You only get judged by your pictures and nothing else. You probably only get to meet up with 5 people a year (huge lack of variety). Many people have issues and can't get dates in real life so they use dating apps. A lot of ghosting and never seeing them again because there was no mental attraction but we only met up due to physical attraction. Get ready to meet up with the perverts who try to touch you on a first date.
    This is the reality of online dating. its stupid. Online is where the creeps tend to date. A person with a decent social life and not extremely busy wouldn't need to use dating apps.
    • I guess the 20% of couples who met online must have done something different to make it work.

    • nella965

      They have not done anything different. I have been online dating for years. It all boils down to good looks and LUCK. When physical attraction is the only thing that determines whether someone will wanna talk to you or not, your app is already severely flawed. Personality is what makes someone fall in love with you, not what you look like. If nothing about their personality intrigued you enough to ask them out, there is a very high chance that you both will NEVER SEE each other again. This is why I've been on so many failed dates and its exhausting.

      I've met with so many crazy folks with issues and perverts who scared the shit outta me on first dates. Th experience I've been through was extremely scarring. You're right that there are good people online but I've been online for a LONG time, and I know online attracts creeps. I'm not interested in meeting up with 20 more potential crazies before I meet my ultimate guy.

      The lack of variety is also a huge problem. Every year, I only met up with a handful of people. If I attend a speed dating event, I could've picked out of 30 people.

      All I see online dating as is just something for casual dating on the side, it should never be the main portal for dating

    • zagor

      There must be something wrong with your ad if you meet 5 people a year, unless you live in the Yukon or something. I once placed a fake ad as a girl just to see how many responses I would get, and I got 60 the first day. And that was an ad without any pic at all, which tend to get fewer responses.

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  • poneglyphs
    Uhh online dating sucks if you're a weeb and no one responds to you if you're not above average.
    • newblinds

      Lol people downvoting you are probably the same people who shame below average dudes and weaboos.

      They should walk some miles in the shoes of the people who society leaves behind - but it would probably destroy their identities to see reality.

      shamed if I do, shamed if I don't.

    • @newblinds dam people be salty for spitting out facts. Lmao

    • You are capable of losing weight and dressing like an adult. Your photo looks very immature. I;m sure that is not what you want to hear but it is what you need to hear. You have two options:

      1. stay exactly as you are and wait for someone else to feel sorry for you; or

      2. do something to change your appearance and then work on developing confidence so that you don't look and act like Baby Huey.

      If you were somebody else - a mature adult - and you met a person like you are now, how would you respond to them?

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  • CubsterShura
    If my current relationship doesn't work out I'll surely start using an online dating app. There are many websites that are specific to certain groups of people, maybe I'll try one that specifically consists of Asians.
  • sean1234
    I myself dont care about looking at others guys profiles. What am I going to do, put up a whole bunch of crap like them just to get noticed? Maybe Photoshop my pictures to make myself look like the stereotypical perfect male supermodel? As for needing money, as for fuel costs and driving, thats the only money anyone should need to go out on a date. I dont feel obligated to fulfill my future dates "WORLDLY" desires. Other wise perhaps a good vegan organic place is good to eat at.
    • sean1234

      As for paying sites to get a date, that's another story. That kind of seems like prostitution, LOL!!!

    • Women dont like stingy men.

    • Have fun with your hand

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  • Flower7
    It's a good idea to look at profile pics of the competition. That can let people know if they need to step up their game with their own pics.
  • Games_
    Online dating is bullshit, ur better off going to meet people IRL.

    It's either your attractive or not on online dating apps
    • Are you really 17?

    • Games_

      Yes I am

    • How long you been online dating?

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  • Daniel3035
    Look at "reviews" of websites... You haven't put this into practice have you lmao ironically those websites who say this dating site is 4/5 star has the most bots and turns out to be fake and the worst.
    The only genuine sites I've seen are hookuphangout and spdate. com
    • All dating sites are subject to fake profiles, scammers, etc. That is something through which you must filter, obviously. If your goal is to minimize the amount of time spent sorting through the garbage, then you have made a valid point.

      I have chosen the more popular sites because I have had good results in the past and, after I filter through the garbage, there are still many, many valid profiles to peruse. Have more available women for actual consideration is my goal.

    • You can try but i've already done that and all these sites who have claimed to have reviewed the dating site I think are talking bs more likely it's which site pays the most to be advertised as a good site either that or they just write its a good site without actually trying to get a date. I tried websites with good reviews and well turned out to be no different.

    • And approximately 20% of all couples meet online. How does that happen if it's all BS? And no, it's not just the hot looking girls and the guys with money.

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  • Vasius
    I personally have several sites that I use. Some you can message for free. Though my success rate is abysmal, i still haven't given up.
  • vintagegirl90
    I like this take! Finally there is something that encourages the cynics to see online dating can work if you focus on seeing that it can have its benefits. I’ve had mixed results, but I have never closed my opinion on meeting people traditionally I have tried but weirdly enough I’ve just been more luckier online! There’s a stigma around online dating I’m so glad you wrote this to clear it up. It’s the future of dating! Also my relationship is a result of online interaction! So there are people out there for you in the online world, you just got to believe they exist!
  • pleasestopthis
    I never tried online dating and don't think I will but this was fun and interesting to read.
  • Physics-Man
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom on online dating. I look forward to your pending sequels.
  • Unit1
    Cool read. I read your part one article but i have little to say.

    who said online dating is for losers? 🤦 such ignorance.

    there's also two sides of choosing a user name. I'm not sure but judging a user by it's username is similar to judging a book by its cover. Unless of course the username tells a lot like your extreme example of ifartalot.

    the dating service i used is hot or not. There are no usernames and i like that it's kind of simple and known except that you are really limited by paid features. These aren't expensive but over time you can see those features not really being worth when the opposite sex doesn't ever like you.
  • monkeynutts
    I like online dating, as long as your honest, try to make girls smile, they will want to know you.
  • gouti_437
    It's kinda detailed and classified👌🏻 Thanks for the info
  • Bloodflows15
    Just have to throw this out there... make sure you can connect their story, location, etc together and that it seems reasonable and believable. Do not just text someone, video calling is good for multiple reasons... one, verifying they aren’t a catfish... and two, bonding together (daily episodes of a show, talking throughout the day, etc)... as with in person dating, if they don’t want you meeting or knowing their family/friends without a reasonable explanation you should be concerned... they shouldn’t be too eager or not eager enough about meeting up, they should want to work reasonably with how you both feel and both of your available resources... feel free to add onto this if you have any more tips
    • I’ve been online dating for a few years and it really is a Wild West. I’ve met people through friends and through groups on places like Kik. I never had much luck with dating apps but it really depends on what you prefer.

    • I would expect that the experience is entirely different when you are a minor.

    • Not really. I’ve dated 2-3 people since my birthday and it’s honestly been the same.

  • Avicenna
    Older, although I have no trouble getting dates online, I've found that it doesn't suit what I'm looking for and that it's much easier to meet interesting women in person, let alone who I'd actually like to meet, a childless woman in her 30s who wants to start a family.
    Even for casual dating, initially meeting women IRL works best for me. Granted, I live and work in inner city neighborhoods where you can start a friendly convo with people without being viewed as some mass murderer.
    Also, meeting people through friends and acquaintances works extremely well where I live, in part because networking is crucial here.
  • Manuel2
    Sadly it is here to stay and so are cheaters and cat fishers
    • There is nothing sad about online dating when approached the right way.

    • Manuel2

      That is the problem, because you play by the rules, it doesn't mean the person you are talking to are too.
      That is why people who do online dating is taking a big risk, like kerb crawling and street hookers.

    • And everyone you meet in the bar is a decent and honorable person?

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  • Rangers
    It's only for girls, not guys
    • For every heterosexual girl who gets a date online, there is a guy who also got a date online.

    • Rangers

      medium. com/.../tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a

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  • w_brown
  • startingfitness
    Online dating s*cks.
    • That is what people say when they have not had good results, but it is the most common means by which couples meet in the 21st century.

    • Not really. You said thats how 19% couples meet. Which means its the minority. Also, dating sites have too many men and far too few women. Its stupid.

    • 1. More couples meet online that through any other method. That is what I said.

      2. How many good women do you need on a dating site? I only need one!

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  • Anonymous
    it reminds me, that unfortuneately, women normally don't send the first message.
    • Even more so in my age range, but I enjoy the challenge of taking the lead!