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Going exclusive is scary. Why won't he kiss me? [Three months of online dating series]

tallandsweet

This take is about a guy I met online. I've known him for three months, he's Central European like me [some people didn't get that information from the other posts I've made about him on here]. He is not American, someone had assumed that we're both from the states, but this is not the case.

I always hated the term "to go exclusive" as I couldn't fathom what it meant. To me, it was just another way of saying you're in a relationship with one another, but I no longer think this is true. It's that nice stage before starting to have expectations, before missing one another like crazy etc.

Linguistic problems in German with "dating"

I went on date #5 with my main guy today. I will refer to our meet-ups as dates from now on because we are now "dating exclusively". This term doesn't exist in German, which is an issue, because either you're "meeting up with one another", you're "in love with one another" or you're "in a relationship with one another". It's difficult to differentiate between the different layers involved with dating, so just be aware that while I used English terms with him to explain what going exclusive meant for me, this is a concept that doesn't exist in our culture.

The approach to tell him I'm fine with being exclusive now

He had asked me to go exclusive on three separate occasions but I wasn't ready yet. I wrote him a card that I planned to give him after we had spent the day with one another (which I also did) for him to read on the way home. On the card, it said that if we'd talked about going exclusive that day (I brought it up), we'd now officially be exclusive.

I think this approach was smart because I was still in charge. It was upon me to give it to him, it was upon me to start a conversation on it. He felt special, cared for and appreciated, which is a nice side effect.

Photo by Tanya Trukyr on Unsplash
Photo by Tanya Trukyr on Unsplash

What going exclusive means for me

I braided my hair today. I'm not extremely good at it, but I can manage to braid two very tight dutch braids. When he saw me, he asked me whether I had spent more time than usual on my appearance - I hadn't, but I appreciated him asking. He accidentally touched it and immediately apologized - small things like these don't go unnoticed with me, I had told him that I don't like it when people touch my head/hair.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

He's been very touchy in a mature way. He wouldn't make me uncomfortable in public places. We have a safe word. He knows that he may need to disappear entirely if we're seen together (not willing to let certain people in my inner circle know he's around). Many other small things have contributed to me being able to build some trust with him. For example, my ex would comment on every tiny detail, e.g. "I'm glad that I'm here with you, holding hands, I love the way your hand feels, it's so soft". Maybe some girls are into that, I'm not. It ruins the moment.

In essence: I'll try harder with him. When I start seeing someone, I don't try hard. He's never seen me IRL with more make-up than mascara, I've worn leggings on two occasions when meeting him, because that's what I feel comfortable with. I spend approximately 10% of my awake time wearing a full face of makeup and rather sophisticated clothing. He'll see that side of me eventually, just not yet.

Having him deal with that one guy I met

Maybe you remember that one awful date with that one weird guy? I let him handle it today. I was so over him being sad and angry about me meeting up with another man despite understanding it, I really did. When I like someone, I let them handle things like this. He's not allowed to see everything on my phone (so many NSFW pictures in many different ways), but I love the way he took care of the other guy today and that he didn't delete any of my unflattering pictures I now have of him.

Interestingly, when I showed him a picture, he just went :o and told me he'd seen the guy on the street before meeting me. I showed him all pictures he had and he's certain that it was really him. He said they both looked at each other for a brief time like they had some type of connection but couldn't quite think of the exact link between them. That would be me.

Complimenting him more

I had learned some compliments by heart in advance because I always forget sweet things I want to say. That doesn't sound romantic, but I feel like it makes sense for someone like me to do this. He looked really good today and I made sure to let him know. I loved the length of his beard, his outfit, the way he smelled (though I didn't like the cigarette smell he had on him after talking to strangers in the park) and his hair.

I noticed that I start acting extremely unnaturally when someone touches me. I lack experience, confidence and the effortlessness some girls seem to have been born with. What I do is I stop moving, I don't reciprocate, I don't lean in. Not acting like a stick requires me to focus and to initiate. I aplogized for that and he told me he hadn't noticed, which was a relief. Open communication is what we all need. Most issues can be solved by it if we're honest with one another.

Some issues we still have

I think the first and foremost thing we'll have to work on is building trust. We don't know each other's last names yet, which was awkward when we went to a local café today to warm up again.

I'm not sure whether this is the case in the states or other countries too, but here, you have to fill out a form with your full name, address, phone number and signature every time you sit down to eat or drink (due to COVID-19). I told him to fill the form out first and to then cover it with the menu. After I had filled it out too, I quickly turned it around.

When the waiter came and took the form, we both looked away. That probably seemed weird to those around us, but I didn't care. Trust takes time, last names are really personal. Even my first name is information I don't share with people until having established an advanced level of trust.

We didn't blend in at the café. I was wondering why we felt so out of place until he commented on it saying that it was probably due to me wearing leggings (way too casual for Germany) and him not looking like your average German guy. We had a good laugh about it, the café was a bit loud (exhausted me more than it should've), but at least we were able not to feel like frozen sticks anymore.

Photo by Mia Harvey on Unsplash
Photo by Mia Harvey on Unsplash

Why won't he kiss me already?

I don't know how to describe this - he's very touchy, he's started touching my face with his nose, but he JUST WON'T KISS ME despite always being in my face (in all the good ways).

I cannot think of other reasons for his behaviour than these:

1.) He doesn't want to kiss me yet. This is supported by him telling me that he considers kissing to be incredibly intimate. His other behaviour doesn't point to this being the case.

2.) He thinks I don't want to kiss him yet. This is supported by me telling him I didn't want a relationship this year and him knowing I have much higher standards than most girls; also, kissing is very intimate to me too.

3.) There's some health issue behind it. He has nice teeth, his mouth appears to be healthy. He'd have told me if he had some infectuous disease. I don't think this is the case.

Can you come up with other reasons why he may not have kissed me yet?

Do you think it could be that he's just not that into me?

What should I do?

Going exclusive is scary. Why won't he kiss me? [Three months of online dating series]
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Well, kissing doesn't mean much really. Many men can kiss anybody they just met without being attracted to. Some even can kiss a prostitute.

    I think taking some time is good. It's better than letting someone kiss you too early, then you find out later he's not looking for a serious relationship at all. (That's my case, and I regret it.) So, time and space will help you see if the person can keep up with you or not. Focus on the conversations and plans, not actions driven by hormones. And when you're ready to take things more advanced, you can tell him what you want.

    He probably didn't want to kiss you because he's afraid he'd be rejected. If you don't like people to touch you (and you told him so), of course, most of us would be aware of more intimate approaches.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thank you for your lovely and helpful response, I appreciated it so much.
      I agree with you in all parts, I just think that for most men I met, kissing was really special and they couldn't have kissed anyone.
      I get it.
      Still, we're progressing very slowly - I appreciate it on the one hand, but on the other I've made it very clear that I'd never reject him, so there's that. He's 25, I don't want to initiate because of that if I'm being honest, it would feel wrong.
      It may also be the case that he's way more romantic than I am and that he wants our first kiss to be very special.

    • You're welcome. I see. Personally, I think men in 20s are too young for a serious relationship that leads to marriage anyways. They're not ready to settle down because of many reasons, finance, status and maturity. So I think it's good for you if you don't want to rush into it.

      Take care.

  • Luna1998
    I found myself scared for being in a relationship, its been so lomg since I date anyone, so i guess for me being exclusive is kinda scary but if i trust the person enough and he really is the one then i can't see why not make him mine
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guys

  • Massageman
    My younger daughter and her husband did not kiss until AFTER they were married. Their first kiss was at the altar when the pastor said, "You may kiss your bride." They wanted to be certain that their relationship was a spiritual one and not a sexual one.

    Maybe use the word "intimate" or "intimacy"- in some sort of logical context- the next time you are together, and very close physically- close enough that he could bend in a few inches to kiss you. See it that stirs him up a bit.
    Is this still revelant?
    • wow, that's really sweet.
      We talked about it, if you want, you can read about that here: Slowly falling for him, him hugging strangers, a really cute letter - date #7 ↗
      We've both pointed out many times now that we're glad we don't have a sexual relationship.
      We won't have sex for a very, very long time. We're both aware of that, as far as I was able to grasp it, he's still a virgin too (for religious reasons like myself).
      I know he's never been able to be this open with a girl, I know he'll be someone I'll remember, even if we don't get married in 5, 6 or whatever years. That's okay.
      I'm young!

    • :- )

  • Another great take and for the kissing part. It's hard to know if she wants it and when the timing is right. I totally had my date wanting a kiss and she kept non verbally asking for one but I did not get it. Sometimes you just have to come out and say it. I know, its romantic to have it happen but sometimes... you just need to say what you are thinking. Because sometimes guys like me don't catch that stuff :)
    Is this still revelant?
    • Yeah, I get that we're both nervous about it, but I would like for him to initiate since he has more experience. Not because he's the guy but because it would simply make me feel better. If I initiated, I'd be scared of starting the whole situation the wrong way.
      He loves special moments; I think he's quite the romantic and wants to have things his way. That's why I'll try to keep encouraging him and hopefully he'll just kiss me eventually.

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What Girls & Guys Said

28
  • zagor
    So, you don't like being touched, have made that clear to him, and... why won't he kiss you?

    Good luck in your future endeavors.
    • Well. I'm complicated. I've given him plenty of hints and I know that he wants to kiss me. There's that.

  • navyrobin
    Haha I love the detail and the effort you put into writing this! I'd say that it's much more simple than you think--he just doesn't know if you want to kiss him yet because you clearly have a higher standard than most girls and he doesn’t want to fuck this up. If you want to kiss him I think you should initiate it!
  • Jamie05rhs
    I'm concerned that you were walking around in the dark. I really think that you should plan your first dates to end before nightfall.
    • Jamie05rhs

      Sorry; that comment was supposed to go on the other post (the one about the other guy).

    • Jamie05rhs

      @tallandsweet I really appreciate you sharing your dating experiences with us. They are very interesting to read.

      There may be linguistic problems in the German language regarding the terminology of dating, but those problems certainly do exist in the English language as well! I think the issue with German is you're saying they don't have a word or phrase for certain things. Well, in English, we have PLENTY of phrases, but no one knows what they mean!! 😅

      As far as the guy not kissing you, I don't know why you're confused. You said you wanted a kiss to be special, and he said that as well. So you're both in agreement that you're going to wait on kissing. I think your hormonal emotions are just getting ahead of your philosophical emotions, and that's why you're frustrated right now.

    • Jamie05rhs

      Lol. That's funny about the form. No, we don't have that here in the U. S. I think you both handled that situation appropriately, and I thought it was really cute.

      About the last names, though: I think it should be on the man to provide his last name first. Then the female can decide whether or not she wants to tell her last name after completing a background check on him.

    • Show All
  • genericname85
    i don't quite understand how "just not fucking someone else" is scary xD
    • If you met someone you liked but knew that your lifestyles were more or less incompatible, that you'd stay a virgin until marriage and that you only wanted to get married in 5-6 years, you'd consider it scary too, I believe.

    • well first of all i don't date someone who's incompatible in lifestle with me xD then i don't understand why anyone would decide tos tay virgin till marriage.

      but assuming you did all those things, i guess i understand how it's scary. but it's self inflicted. i personally see those as dumb decisions but that's just my opinion. everyone has gotta live their own life. i decide not to intentionally make mine more difficult without any reason.

    • Jamie05rhs

      @tallandsweet I completely support your decision to wait until marriage to have sex. (I am doing the same thing.). But I don't think you should get married to someone you're not compatible with.

      Also, why would you wait 5-6 years. That just seems like a really long time; sorry.

    • Show All
  • hahahmm
    To me exclusive IS an expectation of loyalty.


    Of course one may be disappointed.
  • thehorriblesheikh
    Is this the man you slapped to make him fall in love with you?
    • It's that guy, yes, but I didn't slap him to make him fall in love with me, LOL. It was an accident, we're past that (luckily)

    • I mean if you slap him again, maybe all the complications in the dating will be solved as well, who knows!

    • I encouraged him to slap me back to be even, it took him two dates, but he finally managed. We're even. It's fine, I'm cooler than I appear to be on G@G, sounds weird but I handle my awkwardness okay. Not well but okay.

    • Show All
  • sp33d
    Social distancing and extra care for hygiene, at a guess.
    • We already wear face masks more than 50% of the time on our dates, don't think that's the reason tbh.

  • Swordnen
    Just kiss him... you will find out
  • Anonymous
    you're confusing as fuck. What a fucking mess. How the hell is any guy supposed to know what to do around you. You should thank your lucky stars he's as patient as he is. If you wanna kiss him, you now have to make the move, and this is your fault based on your actions thus far
  • Anonymous
    GURL YO BREATH STINKS.
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