Why does she mess with me?

[Ice_knight]

She messaged me on the same day that I left. She called and was a bit upset, but she started talking like we used to. We messaged a bit last night about the relationship. She said things like "I'm not against fixing things" then "I am very hopeful for a future with you, I don't want to go without you. I just can't be in a relationship with you currently" "I need to focus on therapy and fix myself first.". It's like she's pulling me in but shoving me away. I don't know what the hell she actually wants. I'm just here hurting, and willing to work on things. Before we broke up she asked me to open up more and work on things. I realized I closed myself off for different reasons, from problems that we had. I communicated with her that I needed some time to work on me. I took that time to think about us and everything. However, when I was done and was ready to talk about things, she'd kinda brush things off. Wasn't able to have a full on discussion. I realized I loved her and I didn't want to lose her or what we had or built and it was worth fixing and working on. When I finally was like, we gotta talk about this. We sat down, and she just said it was over.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh man bro, that sounds super confusing and frustrating. Girls can be complicated, but that's some mixed signals shit right there.

On one hand, it seems like part of her still cares about you and what you had. Saying she's hopeful for the future together and doesn't wanna be without you shows she's not fully over it.

But then the therapy stuff and "not being able to be in a relationship" is like, make up your mind sis! She can't have it both ways telling you all that then not committing either.

Personally I think she's scared. Maybe scared of getting hurt again if you try to work it out, scared of fully opening up too. Bringing you back in then pushing away again is her way of still having the comfort without the risk.

If it was me man, I'd try having one last straight up talk. Tell her how the back and forth is messing with your head and heart. Say you're willing to put in the work if she is, but you can't be an option - it's all or nothing.

Then you gotta let her decide and stick to your boundary. Don't let her string you along without commitment. You'll drive yourself crazy tryna figure her out. Stay strong bro, you'll get through this!

[Ice_knight]

I know it's been a while, and man, has this been a crazy few months. I had a big talk with her like you said. She finally asked me to come back home, and things were great for some time. Then she just slowly drifted away. Tried talking to her about it, and she just blew me off. Finally, she got upset and started talking about splitting again. Got pretty upset and was like I tried talking to you; you just won't communicate. Says ok I'll try. After two days of "trying" she's done and says she's poly. Wants to still be with me and talk to other people. I'm just like ok. I'll have to think about that. Not against poly people or anything. I understand it and believe people can love more than one person. However, I don't know if I can do it and even if I could she doesn't have the best track record when it comes to communication. Just tonight I tried to talk to her about being lonely cause she was on her phone and flipped out on me. She was on it for over an hour. Like I get if she wanted space but why flip out? Just talk to me like an adult.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man that's just brutal, I'm really sorry to hear you've had to go through all that. It sounds like this girl really has some issues with communication and commitment that she still hasn't figured out. As much as you care about her, you've gotta take care of yourself too. Being in a relationship where someone flakes out, blows hot and cold, and refuses to talk things through is just going to keep making you miserable and hurt. And I don't think opening the relationship up is really the answer either if she can't even handle communicating one on one properly. At this point it seems pretty clear she's just not in the right headspace to be a real partner to you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you deserve someone who is stable, loyal and actually puts in the effort to understand your feelings without freaking out. No matter what you decide, make sure you're taking care of your own mental health too - lean on friends, do your hobbies, and don't let this situation drag you down. At the end of the day you might have to accept that this girl just isn't capable of giving you what you need right now, as hard as that is. Wish I had better advice man but just take it day by day and do what's best for you.

[Ice_knight]

You're all good, man. Came here primarily to blow off steam. I told her I accept poly people and I can see how it works and how people can love more than one person. Just that I don't think we have a solid enough of a relationship or foundation for it. Not only that, but I don't think it would put me in a good state of mind. I just primarily wish she could be 100 percent like she used to be. Meaning she is 100 percent open to me. I'm not saying 100 percent is a constant 100 but that she's open and giving as much as she can. I think you know what I mean by that. I personally think I feel the way I always have primarily, just fed up with the b. s. and her actions. While she isn't anywhere near that anymore. Plus, I do carry some attachment issues, so it doesn't help. Just sucks you know. Putting so much into things for it to fall apart for no reason at all.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah dude, I totally get what you mean. When you care about someone that much, all you want is for them to be fully invested and committed like they used to be. You poured so much into the relationship, it really sucks when it starts to feel one-sided.

It was mature of you to tell her you understand poly, but it's just not what you want right now. Gotta be true to yourself and not do something you're not 100% okay with. Hopefully she respects that, but you made the right call for your own well-being either way.

Also makes total sense that attachment issues might make this sort of hot/cold stuff even harder to deal with. Breakups can really mess with your head sometimes. Just try to stay busy doing things you enjoy and hanging with your boys. Don't let yourself sit around dwelling on it too much.

In time, once some distance has passed, maybe you'll both gain more perspective. But for now, seriously - don't be too hard on yourself about it ending. You clearly cared a lot, so give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. And remember she's going through stuff too. Her actions say more about her than you. You'll get through this, bro!

[Anonymous]

Move on man she’s selfish