Fix myself or find another man first?

[silvermoon84]

I know what the attitudes are towards single women my age. Please try to keep this nice. I don’t open up to people that easily so this really hurts. I recently got dumped and he was straight with me about everything that was wrong with me. I grew up poor, I got out of the military during the height of the late 2000’s recession and I didn’t save money. I made a lot of stupid choices with money when I was younger and ruined my credit, and during the recession I had to move back home with my mom. And on top of that, jobs were scarce, so I had to rely on the post 9-11 GI Bill and going to school full time to afford to pay my bills and help out with the rent. I’m employed full time now so I’m slowly getting better but we are still struggling. We got evicted from our apartment a few years ago and mom has her name on a wait list for senior housing but she’s been on the wait list for several years. We had a small savings but it had to be spent on moving expenses. I’m now trying to save for my own place, but I don’t want to move until I know she has housing because I don’t want to put my mom on the streets.

This has been a problem for me with men. Many assume that I haven’t learned from my past mistakes. I have and I’m trying to overcome them but the last guy really hurt me. My living situation was a dealbreaker for him and he knew about it upfront but waited 10 months to tell me this, so I had time and feelings invested in him. My ADHD was the other dealbreaker (which he also knew about). I want to improve my situation and my symptoms to avoid that hurt again, but I have friends telling me “fuck that just find someone new who loves you in spite of your imperfections” and keep pushing me to keep dating. I’m aware the dating pool gets smaller, but this guy really hurt me. Am I wrong for prioritizing financial stability and getting my life where it should be over finding a man? I live in NY so financial independence can be tricky here.

Updates

1 y

I’m not totally closed off to dating. If I meet someone who actually wants me knowing about my baggage, I’ll give him a shot but if I’m being realistic most don’t and I want to respect that.

Updates

1 y

Thank you everyone for confirming that I’m doing the right thing. As for this guy, I think what hurts the most is that he knew all of this and instead of just saying “sorry, you’re a nice person but this isn’t what I want”, he just let it go and then dumped me on a day where I was at my worst (and on my birthday of all days).

[Orion84]

Well, first off: fuck that guy. He knew about your situstion, and dated you anyway, only to dump you for the stuff he already knew about. He's a dick.

Secondly, I think you should ignore your friends on this one. You already have the advantage, in which you know what the problem is, and to your credit, you both admit that you need to fix it, and are working to do so.

If you take your friends' advice, then you could very well end up back in the same situation again a year down the road, when that time could have been spent working on your situation, instead. I understand you would like someone in your life, but you have to decide whether it's worth taking that risk.

There ARE guys out there that genuinely wouldn't see your situation as a problem, especially if they're willing to take things slow, and are not ready to rush into anything serious, like moving in together. It's posdible that you could find the right guy, but I think you'll ultimately be happier in a relationship if you're happy with your own life, first.

Lastly, yes; the dating world is getting smaller, but it hasn't completely closed. You can still find someone down the road. They may end up being divorced, or have baggage of their own, but I've known several people that found someone later in life, and it ended up being the best relationship they ever had, so don't give up.

[OneViewpoint]

Fix yourself. Or at least be on a path to fix yourself. Before you dive into a relationship again. Be able to articulate and demonstrate that 20 something you isn't 40 something you. I know Tick Tock. But don't start from a position of weakness and let someone else define you.

I'm ex military too. From a multi generation military family. Ever hear of a guy named Sung Tzu? I wear a bracelet with two pieces of wisdom he left the world.

Outside engraving. "The first and most important victory is to conquer yourself"

Inside engraving. "In chaos there is also opportunity."

[Crimsyjo]

I like the answers u already got. See. Don't feel bad about losing a guy that was never going to support you (emotionally) anyways. You post resonates with me because I'm also in my 40's. But it sounds like you need time and space by yourself. Take it. If you have no desire or trust to give another guy a shot then it's the best thing you can do. And if one surprises u then great. I'm opposite problem. I've been alone far too long. But my life is really messy and I'm afraid a guy just isn't going to accept me with how things are. But I keep looking anyways. I wish I was happy to stop looking and be on my own. But I feel that tick tock of the clock ticking 🙁

[HollyK21]

Nothing is wrong with taking a break from men to focus on your personal betterment. I think society puts caps on things like finding love and what age range you have to experience it. When in reality, you never know when your time is going to be. Years ago when I worked at a woman’s only gym, there were ladies of all ages who were on the dating field. I’d get filled in all the time on E-Harmony dates, match. com; I even went to a wedding for a woman who got married for the first time in her early 60s. Meeting the right guy can happen at any time, so I think it’s best to just live your life focused on yourself.

[Bklynbadboy12]

First of there is nothing wrong with you. You need to work on your financial situation and thay all. To me there is something wrong with him cause if he's in a good situation he should help you get on more stanle ground. It's sad what men have become. I bet he didn't say oh I can't have sex with you cause your finances aren't right. He's a coward and you dodged a bullet tell him good riddance. Imagine you and him married and you fall on hard times he's gonna bail on you forget him go get yourself a real man

[MannMitAntworten]

Is moving away from New York City an option? Perhaps out of the state entirely? Between cost of living and your men options, perhaps you may be suited better for someplace else? Maybe the Midwest or something? You might be better able to fix yourself, your credit, and find someone better suited for you someplace else.

[Recovering_Romantic]

You can and should do both at the same time. A good partner will motivate you and will respect you on your journey. In general, I say don't rush the dating process, but if having biological children is life goal for you and you haven't done that yet, you are sadly running out of time at 41. That's something you need to think about.

[silvermoon84]

I medically can’t have kids. I was told that years ago

[silvermoon84]

So that’s not an issue, but thank you for your answer (and for being nice about it. Some people will get condescending about being childless in your 40s)

[serious]

Having a successful career and financial stability is more important than enjoying romantic relationships be it love, marriage etc.

[Fireguy17]

You need to be happy with yourself before you can ever be happy with someone else.

[MasterKS]

Dont be emotional and be practical, your age is no more in the phase to wait and watch.

[NathanDavis]

never wrong to work on ourselves...

[eagle1951]

both