Guys, are you oblivious when a girl likes or flirts with you?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend says he's always been oblivious to when a girl is flirting with him, or likes him, so I'm just curious if this is quite common?

In fact, he said he had no idea I liked him until I told him!

He's a very friendly guy, and has lots of friends who are women. He says he comes across as quite effeminate, which I privately agree to some extent but that doesn't make me love him less. I like him for who he is and wouldn't change anything... ironically, he's a very unromantic boyfriend though! :)

[JohnDoe3000]

We are often oblivious but there's often a good reason for it:

- you can make it literally impossible for him to know, for example by dressing up every time you expect to see him: he has no way of knowing whether you dress up for him or just always dress up

- one girl's super-obvious flirtation is another girl "just being friendly" (the latter is, a priori, much more likely for any guy who isn't a Ryan Gosling look-alike, so they tend not to assume much after getting burned a couple of times): he's going to compare you to other girls who may have very different flirting standards from you

- he has an internal model of his own desirability: if he tends to not get attention from girls like you he's very likely to brush your flirtations off as coincidence or friendliness, even if he kinda suspects they look like flirtations, he simply won't believe it

[truthbeknown]

Sometimes, yes. It is funny how a lot girls seem to think we are mind readers and/or expert clue decoders. Guys are dumb! We are more direct and don't pick up on subtle hints like you think we should. Not only that, but a lot of women are very fickle with their emotions and what they actually want aren't always clear anyway. This is why open and honest communication is so important.

[Asker]

Thanks for the opinion. Yes we are very well known for that; I think some of it stems from that we don't want to come on too strong.

[truthbeknown]

I can understand that. Fear of rejection or sounding stupid or making a mistake is also something most people try to avoid and this also leads to this silly dance, LOL!

[little_bird1]

Yeah they are oblivious af! Not that I blame them, most of the girls are naturally flirty and overly friendly so it can be misunderstood.

[txdiie_]

some girls are natural flirts (like me apparently) and it's really noticeable

[OneViewpoint]

I'm constantly amazed that in all of these chats / YouTube videos online, almost no one ever states the obvious. So I will.

Yes, some guys are afraid to act due to low self esteem or self confidence issues.

Yes, some guys have been neutered by the whole me too wave in society that allows women to label them creeps on a whim. They rather not complicate their lives or risk having their reputations destroyed.

And then there are guys like me who have no trouble picking up on all the barely noticeable or overtly unavoidable clues of women who think all their shy moves are over the top and painfully obvious. But I generally, like 99% of the time, ignore them.

So why do I ignore women trying to flirt with me as a general rule. Gay? Nope. MGTOW? God no, LOL. Shy? Not my problem. Arrogant / rude? I hope not. Asexual? No, I have a strong sex drive.

I'm 58 and I've been divorced about 10 years. I usually go out one night a week, Friday nights, just to force myself to socialize. I'm generally meeting up with guy friends or going solo just to get some dinner and a few drinks to relax at the end of the week.

I'm 6'2" tall, 202 lbs, 44" chest, 33" waist, very fit, well groomed, full head of medium brown hair, and better dressed than 99% of the guys in every place I walk into. I get teased by my friends for never showing up in jeans and sneakers with a baseball cap. I just lie to dress like an adult / appropriate for my age.

I get hit on by women pretty regularly aged anywhere from about 32 to 50. And I get flirted with by single women and married women all the time. If they sit next to me at a bar and try to start a conversation with a question or a compliment, I will answer politely but ask no questions in return and try to steer the conversation to a stop. I've had groups of women (same group) repeatedly insist I come stand with their group and talk with them. I've had another group of women come over and start an argument because I had the unmitigated gall to reject their friend. I politely decline. I've had married women flirt with me with and without their husbands present. Ummm... no thanks. Unfortunately, my tactics can turn them on as much as they can shut them down. But you get the idea. I get flirted with all the time, usually multiple women on a given night.

So why don't I jump on all those flirting signals? Here's the ugly truth.

1.) I find meaningless small talk about nothing with strangers actually painful. I just don't want to go through the motions when I'm there to relax. It's exhausting trying to entertain someone I don't know with small talk.

2.) You won't like this but... I just don't find most women very interesting! There, I said it. Yes ladies, being "HOT", showing some cleavage, and flirting will make you attractive on a physical level for a very short amount of time. But if you can't talk about anything but fashion and food and your "travel" dreams, my mind is gonna wander off pretty quickly. If you can't find the Pacific Ocean on a map, if you don't know history or politics, or technology, or science, or music or literature why start a conversation? If you're shallow and VERY concerned with status and money why do I want to waste my time getting to know you. If you want to run me through the latest checklist of qualifying questions published in this month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine, why do I want to participate?

3.) Men are expected to entertain women. Wine and dine women. Read your subtle hints and your ever changing moods. All of that is expensive and exhausting. What do we get in return? Do you understand that?

So, I simply choose to avoid interaction unless I sense someone who is intelligent, well grounded in values, fun, funny, secure enough to be playful, and yes looks matter.

You may not like some of my answer but, it's the truth. I'm not clueless. I'm cautious.

[JSmuve]

Guys who aren't used to female attention are often oblivious. A lot of girls give mixed signals. They're often luke-warm with their interactions with guys and then go cold when he doesn't pick up on their "super obvious" hints, which further confirms to the guy that she wasn't interested in him.

The problem the guy doesn't know you from the other girls he's ever interacted with. He doesn't know what you do to flirt. He doesn't know how you're different from other girls. Girls seem to miss this fact and say guys are oblivious when in reality girls just aren't obvious enough and throw in the towel too early leaving the guy confused as to how she actually felt.

[JohnDoe3000]

@JSmuve

"The problem the guy doesn't know you from the other girls he's ever interacted with. He doesn't know what you do to flirt. He doesn't know how you're different from other girls. Girls seem to miss this fact"

Yes, this is the problem most of the time.

[Anonymous]

It can be difficult. There are women that are just natural flirts. You have to figure out if that is just her nature. Then there is the woman that expresses strong interest that is so direct, it kind of throws you for a loop. Most women tend to be so damn subtle, just when you suspect she is showing interest, she will do something to negate that.. likely to protect herself, which send mixed signals.

I learned that if you see any interest, if she is single and available, make a move on the spot. If you were wring.. no big deal.. life goes on.

[BigJake]

I certainly can be oblivious, but this stems not from my lack of social awareness, but from being burned in the past by thinking that a girl was flirting when she wasn't.

There have been a few times in my life where I've met a girl, started talking and flirting with her, and then asked her out, only to have her recoil in horror because she didn't see me "that way." When I asked them why they flirted, they claimed that they were just being friendly, and that I had made the mistake of *assuming* they were flirting when they weren't.

So now I assume nothing. Even when a girl is showing me signs that she likes me, I hold back because I don't care to be accused of stepping over a line that I didn't even know existed.

[Anonymous]

Don't think there is a right or wrong answer here as it is just personal preference. I doubt there are guys who are completely oblivious. But I do believe there are guys out there who choose to be ignorant of it.

I would guess your guy has simply chosen to be ignorant of flirting girls. For what reason I don't know. Perhaps his perception of women (perhaps their promiscuity) or perhaps a past experience has tainted his view enough to cause him to be like that.

I don't think it matters though in the end.

[Asker]

Thanks for the opinion! I think my boyfriend would find it quite difficult to notice if a girl was overstepping the friendship boundaries; he is very sociable with his female friends but because I'm a girl, I know when a girl oversteps her boundaries (it hasn't yet, and I trust him and he's always open with me) I know a lot of other girls would probably see what he does as flirting, but I know differently! He's been cheated on in the past, and messed around but then again so have I.

[Prof_Don]

It is VERY easy for a guy who is either distracted, not focusing on a task, or simply not paying attention... to miss her signs of interest and her flirting.

It takes a guy mental training to looks for womens' subtle cues (that ironically, women think are obvious cues). :-P

[blutwolfe]

girls kinda suck at flirting so, maybe I'm just oblivious

how some girls flirt is to just be in the surrounding area and/or not talking, which to me really isn't flirting, then after you might get the hint they like you, they completely ghost you as soon as they find out you like them back

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

A girl's idea of flirting is like feeling air on your face. A guy's idea of flirting is being as subtle as hitting you with a bag of bricks. Meanwhile, for a guy to figure out a girl is flirting, you need a sign saying, "I'm flirting with you, jackass". And both sides are terrible at it and even worse at realizing when they're being hit on

[Anonymous]

I'm completely oblivious to a girl flirting with or liking me. I just can't tell when they are over them just being nice. Like I have never really known. That being said I think it is half because girls give very, very suttle hints. So how am I suppose to know. It sucks too since it makes it so much harder to start a relationship with someone when you can't read how they are feeling.

[godfatherfan]

my ex wife teased me all the time because I have absolutely no clue if someone is flirting. personally, I think some of the things were not flirting.
like once a woman said she liked my Air Force Jacket. How exactly is that flirting?

[blink1812]

I'm pretty oblivious as well. I assume if a girl is being nice to be that they want to be friends or something. I would never start flirting with a girl just because she was nice to me.

[lightbulb27]

it is or was for me for a long time. I didn't read the signals, and when I did I'd run.

... hummm... I have lots of friends who are women too...

[Cosytoasty]

Its neither common nor uncommon, some guys are obvlivious others can spot it instantly.

[astrOnaut01]

Yes, I am most of the time. I find that a woman's flirting is often cryptic.

[Asker]

Interesting. So in other words, you find it hard to determine flirting when a girl is being friendly? I'm not a forward flirt, but if I like a guy it's fairly obvious in body language and with some of the things I say. A lot of playful teasing is one of my biggest ways of flirting, as I like a guy whose got a sense of humour.

[astrOnaut01]

Yeah, that is a good way of putting it. I just find it difficult to differentiate flirting from friendliness. But I also have added difficulty because I have Asperger's, so that is why I always find a woman's flirting so cryptic.

It's also important to note that acting oblivious is a common strategy for men to avoid rejecting someone that they are not interested in (which is why it might seem that men are always so oblivious to your hints). Sort of like how women commonly pretend to have a boyfriend to avoid the awkward rejection.

[Asker]

I didn't know men applied that strategy if they weren't interested! Very interesting insight.

[ausername88]

so a girl were to tease you (sarcasm), laugh at your jokes, playfully punch you in the arm would you take that as flirting or that she likes you

[astrOnaut01]

@ausername88 I might interpret that as flirting, but I wouldn't make a move until I was sure.

[19MK34]

Women think I'm gross so this isn't something I have to worry about.

[Anonymous]

I was! Until it hit me to late and she grew tired of waiting for me to make a move. But it wasn't so black and white youlo.

[anonman32]

sometimes its hard to tell the difference between being nice and flirting.

[SuitAndTie]

From what girls have told me in the past, I'm apparently as oblivious as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I have no idea lol. One girl liked me for 4 years and I had no clue

[ausername88]

what are some things that guys would notice that would lead them to believe a girl likes them

[Opinion Owner]

@ausername88 well if she asked me out that would be a definite sign

[ausername88]

besides that!

[Opinion Owner]

@ausername88 physical contact, being obvious about paying attention to me out of a large group of people, random eye contact followed by a smile

[ausername88]

thanks

[Thisperson98]

Most guys are oblivious.

[AlwaysBelieving]

Yes I am... I need a brain duster