Guys, Bilateral mastectomy and dating?

[Anonymous]

I had a bilateral mastectomy in 1999. I haven't been asked out on a date since then. Men have sent vibes but when they find out I don't have breasts that is the end of that. These encounters have been at work and eventually they hear about it but not from me. I have been thinking about getting reconstruction. So, if you were dating a cancer patient, when would you want to know? I wouldn't want to "deceive" anyone by not saying anything and have them get attached if that isn't something they want to deal with. But them knowing up front doesn't seem to be working either. I recently had 2 other different kinds of cancer (not metastatic) and clean scans for 2 years. Even so that is a huge risk for a man to take. So would you want to know up front or later in the dating? When is it a "good" time? Thank you for your insights.

[abc3643]

This is a very good question and, unfortunately, a good number of women are in the same boat as you.
A year ago, my wife had a DMX with an AFC. She had righteous boobs being built like a capital letter P when I met her and I will say I miss them. Yet, the moment we got a positive diagnosis that was fortunately DCIS Stage 0, she knew she wanted a DMX and I supported her ever since. She joined am all-woman Facebook group called Fabulously Flat.

One weekend in early DEC 2021, I was out with my wife in Saint Louis and we got to be talking about this group. As I asked questions - primarily about support (or lack of it) for these women from men, much of what she said, broke my heart. So much so, that I wanted to join the group just so these women could get the support of a man and know, like you, that there are men who will be fine with DMXed women.

Here is what I wrote in Facebook Messenger to one of the Group's admins:
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Hello [FB Group Admin Woman]. My name is [my name]. I am male and trying to join your group Facebook group Fabulously Flat. My wife, [her name], had a DMX 9 weeks ago and is a member.

I realize that perhaps I should be rejected because I am male.

But, I have been 100% supportive of my wife's DMX choice and decision to be "fabulously flat". We had a discussion about the group on Sunday 05 DEC 2021 and she told me of women in the group who were concerned that they would not find love again. My heart broke and I wanted to answer these questions for women from a man's perspective. As I said to my wife "A woman is not just boobs and a vagina" and I knew that I would be a man who would consider dating a "fabulously flat" woman. The women in your group need to know that there ARE men out there who will love them just as they are.

So, for this reason, I wanted to join your group and to generally give support to the women in your group and be available for them if they need a man's perspective.

Thank you for at least considering my request.

PS: Even if I don't join, consider taking this above message and pasting it in the group so these women know... ... know that there are men that will love them just as they are, I mean...


REPLY FROM FB Group Admin Woman

What a sweet gesture [my name], your wife is a very lucky woman to have a wonderful guy that realizes a woman is more than just body parts and someone who is able to communicate that is extremely wonderful, I cannot offer you membership but I will forward your thoughts and conversation to the group because yes so many women do not have that support Thank you for sharing this. Season’s Greetings throughout the year to you and your family ☮️


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So, back to your question.
Yes, there are men like me who will be fine with you. I realize men like me may not be the majority.
However, I think I can help you find such a man...
1. I am 59, almost 60. Most men who will be accepting will be older. For young men, sex and beauty are more important. Later, we become more focused on the woman as a companion and partner.
2. I hate saying this, but consider dating a widower who lost his wife to breast cancer. He'd know the reality of the situation.
3. Another group of men who may be interested is men who are into small breasts or even flat-chested women. The problem with this is that, unfortunately, some will be pedophiles, but there are plenty of men of are fine with or prefer small or even non-existent boobs.

As to your getting reconstruction, I can't comment. My wife was determined to be flat and get an aesthetic flat closure and my attitude was false-is-false-and-I-hate-false, so I had no interest in fake bags on her chest to make her look more like a woman. A woman is not a vehicle for transporting boobs around. So, I went in supporting her decision. After all, my wife's boobs tried to kill her.

Now, I will be honest with you: Having had a history of cancers is not exactly a selling point. No man wants to become a widower and this is rooted in something very deep in males - we only form emotional attachments and are emotionally invested in situations in which we can "win". In other words a case like yours, a man may perceive that there is a good chance that he would become a widower soon after marrying you, so he won't bother... there's a significant probability in his unconscious mind that he will "lose" (lose you) and so he doesn't want to get emotionally invested. So, something you may need to do is, once the cat is out of the bag, discuss cancer in the past tense. And I stress that... you want to minimize the idea in his mind that you may still have or will soon get cancer. Cancer in the past = OK. Possible cancer now or soon = Bad.

Now to answer specific questions:
"So would you want to know up front or later in the dating?"
Yes, I'd want to know "soon". It doesn't have to be a first date thing... However, my answer to the next question is better for answering this question...
"When is it a 'good' time?"
There isn't of course, but there's a way around it... Don't try to hide it. My wife wears clothes that make it obvious that she is flat. She openly admits to her DMX. So, what I am saying to you is "let your clothes do the talking". If you wear something that doesn't hide that you are flat, then, right then and there, you will learn a lot about him. If he's a boob guy, there won't be a second date no matter the reason of why you are flat. However, if he sticks around for a 2nd date, then he's not obsessed with boobs... After subsequent dates, in your heart, you'd know when to broach the subject - or he will do it for you - or Nature will when you take off your top.

So, in dating, again, let your clothes do the talking - or, at least, hinting at the truth. Men who are not for you will reveal themselves immediately. Men who may be will stick around.

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You are welcome to PM me if you wish but, if you do, please mention this question.

[AviatorTom]

I dated a woman who had her left breast removed because of a cancerous tumor. She had an implant and a fake nipple and areola tattooed so that it looked like a normal breast. She said she didn't have the same feeling in it as her right breast, but she still enjoyed having both breasts played with.

Maybe you should consider some reconstructive surgery like teh woman I dated did. by the way, she did that for herself, not for others.

[Avicenna]

I'd want to know up front, TBH, but I can understand being a bit reluctant to discuss personal medical stuff like that.

[Guy13]

Upfront revelation please

[Stevefiveo]

Hmm, that is a tough one. Glad you are ok. Yeah, a boob job would probably be a good idea. Good idea to try and be up front with it so he knows what to expect.

[Jamie05rhs]

I'd say just continue to tell them upfront. If they don't want you and they can't accept you, fuck 'em.

[Jamie05rhs]

Reconstructive surgery isn't necessarily a bad thing, though, if that's what you want. It's your call. But don't do it if it would put you at any further risk medically.

[TroyDT2]

That is sad. One of my friends has MS and each time she reveals it, the guy flees.

[Batsy01010101]

think of it as a blessing then a curse at least you know when somebody will like you for you and not your tits it weeds out a lot of bad choices

[In_Trance]

Yeah you definitely have to tell people up front

[Iron_Man]

I’m sorry to hear that

[legalboxers]

you seem like an amazing woman