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Although I have my daughter, I am lonely as. I want to one day put myself out there to meet someone, but I'm not sure if I should be disclosing that I have mental health issues, like postpartum depression and anxiety, and the fact that I do also have some trauma that causes me to have triggers.
Yes I am very aware being a single mom will make it hard to find someone, but I also know there are guys out there who would date a single mom.
The following was taken from r/Whereareallthegoodmen:
The truth, dear, is that you will probably be able to find "a guy". The questions are whether he will be a "quality" guy (depending on your definition); whether he will give you the kind of commitment you desire; and what concessions you will have to make (i. e., how deeply are you going to have to settle).
I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Sorry, but you will have to have the courage to face the truth.
You need to accept, right here and now, that you are not going to marry a sexually attractive man, a man who really trips your trigger and pushes all your buttons juuuust right. That is just not going to happen. You are over 35 years old with a kid. I don't care how hot you are. Sexually attractive men have options, and you're not anywhere close to his best ones. The best you are to him is a booty call.
It also means that any high beta with some money and who has any self respect will see you as a fun diversion. You already have a history of very, very poor decisionmaking. It also means that said men with money and self respect (1) are not going to trust you with managing their assets, (2) are not going to run the risk of you divorcing them and taking half their assets; and (3) are not going to pay for your past poor decisions.
That leaves you with less attractive men, doormats, and men with not too much going for them.
You will have to settle deeply, very deeply, on sexual attraction and status, if you can find a man willing to marry you at all. The best you'll be able to do is, maybe,
(1) Jeff JiffyLube, who makes $11 an hour and is paying child support to one other baby mama; or
(2) Tom TwiceDivorcedand40, who is paying about 60% of his income in alimony and child support, lives in a shitty apartment and takes Wellbutrin for depression while seeing his talk therapist twice a month; or
(3) Wayne Slightlyweird, who is 34, a virgin, and makes $40K at his IT job by day and goes to comic cons on the weekends and curates his Star Wars action figure collection by night. Think Sheldon or Howard from "The Big Bang Theory".
Sorry, dear heart, but those are your choices. That's it.
Any guy worth his salt is going to put down strict boundaries with you. To wit:
(1) No marriage, not under any circumstances. He'll date you seriously. Maybe even exclusively. He might even live with you. But it'll be structured so he can get out at a moment's notice should he deem that necessary. You'll sign an agreement waiving any rights whatsoever to any support should you break up, and that he will not parent your kid. All the finances will be kept separate. What's yours is yours, and what's his is his. You will have to give your baby daddy primary residential custody because he is not going to live with a kid that isn't his. You have have visitation every other weekend, but that's it. He will be gone most weekends while you have visitation with your kid, so as to minimize his contact with your kid.
You will own nothing - the house you live in will be his, and his alone, you are NOT on the title and you never will be put on the title. You pay for your stuff- your car, your child support, your student loans, your hair/nails/grooming, your whatever. He will not be paying for ANY of it.
But, most of the time, he'll date you seriously and will not live with you, so most of that stuff won't be an issue.
(2) No kids. He is not going to father any kids with you.
(3) Sex, on demand, when he wants it, how he wants it.
(4) He makes the rules, you comply with them.
You dont' like any of this? Relationship OVER.
Or, you'll date or marry Jeff, or Tom, or Wayne. With Jeff, you'll live in poverty because neither of you earn much. You'll grow to hate each other. Jeff will cheat on you and you'll divorce him.
With Tom, you'll live in poverty because most of his money is supporting the bitch who left him and keeps his kids away from him. He's a sad sack depressed divorced guy who misses his kids and is working to keep his career going, so he has very little emotionally left for you. You'll probably cheat on him and divorce him, turning him into Mr. ThriceDivorced.
With Wayne, there'll be no sexual attraction at all. You'll hold your nose and puke in your mouth and let him fuck you, and he'll proclaim his everlasting love for you. You'll pump out one of his kids, and then you'll divorce him after cheating with Jeff (who you passed on a while ago).
That, dear, is what your future probably looks like.
How bad is it? I’m depressive verging on bipolar but wouldn’t see an issue telling a gal straight up before dating.
I would take some time until I felt comfortable around that guy to talk about my mental health.
Opinion
17Opinion
Yes, you definitely need to be upfront about ALL of them. Sure, it will reduce your initial dating pool, but you also need a guy who is fully informed and wants to be with you, not some mirage. Full disclosure also greatly increases the chances of long term success.
Honestly, the issues you mentioned are extremely common.
If you had schizophrenia, you might want to bring that up. But things like bipolar, anxiety and depression are so common these days it's not even worth mentioning.
It would make you look bad, in my opinion
No, it's going to be hard to not make that sound like a huge red flag. It's about the issues specifically, but that it's too soon. I have my own triggers too, which I bring up later in the relationship. I think unless its something specifically big like pyschosis, genetic disease, or something along those lines, then just wait.
Some here gave the good advice:
Don't lead with that. When someone doesn't have any reasons to say yes to you you shouldn't give reasons to say no.
Put your best foot forward and once you have established a connection you can be honest about your situation which will help you have a healthier relationship with fewer secrets
I suspect that a lot of men you would date probably have mental health issues of their own, and while "one downmanship" might be an odd way for you two to pair bond, it has happened with me in my past (and my present) relationships.
If you can coherently explain your mental health problems, AND explain what the historical consequences of them have been for other relationships, they might be worth talking about briefly. Be aware that most people are terrified of mental health problems in themselves and others, and have almost no ability to understand them.
No, you don't have to disclose all that immediately. You might warn them if you are triggered by fairly ordinary actions. I hope you are getting some counseling to get through this.
i think if you are healthy enough to date, than maybe you do not need to be in rush to be super transparent. Give the person an opportunity to know you without the possible stigma that comes with that type of disclosure.
Yes but not to the point of saying in the first date lol
It's important to be honest about it, but it's not about humiliating yourself in front of someone. Think of it instead as establishing what kind of communication you want from a relationship: respectful, open, and honest.
Also, as guys get older the whole single mom thing stops being as important to a lot of us.
I wouldn't lead with it. Get him on the hook first, then slip it into the conversation when he's sympatico.
Don't mention anything about issues until fully into a relationship. Try to act as a normal person as hard as that may be until then. If I accidentally get close to someone I will purposely try to ruffle them to distance themselves from me again. It usually ends in them totally abandoning me.
I think you need to work on your trauma and triggers before you start dating.
Maybe not on a first date, but you want to be honest with him at some point early. Otherwise it will just hurt you both more the longer you wait.
Yes. To do otherwise comes off as deliberately concealing.
No don't do it
Absolutely
of course
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