Is it best to be upfront about your mental health issues when you first meet a guy?

[Anonymous]

Although I have my daughter, I am lonely as. I want to one day put myself out there to meet someone, but I'm not sure if I should be disclosing that I have mental health issues, like postpartum depression and anxiety, and the fact that I do also have some trauma that causes me to have triggers.

Yes I am very aware being a single mom will make it hard to find someone, but I also know there are guys out there who would date a single mom.

[DextroShade]

The following was taken from r/Whereareallthegoodmen:

The truth, dear, is that you will probably be able to find "a guy". The questions are whether he will be a "quality" guy (depending on your definition); whether he will give you the kind of commitment you desire; and what concessions you will have to make (i. e., how deeply are you going to have to settle).

I am going to say some things you are not going to like. Sorry, but you will have to have the courage to face the truth.

You need to accept, right here and now, that you are not going to marry a sexually attractive man, a man who really trips your trigger and pushes all your buttons juuuust right. That is just not going to happen. You are over 35 years old with a kid. I don't care how hot you are. Sexually attractive men have options, and you're not anywhere close to his best ones. The best you are to him is a booty call.

It also means that any high beta with some money and who has any self respect will see you as a fun diversion. You already have a history of very, very poor decisionmaking. It also means that said men with money and self respect (1) are not going to trust you with managing their assets, (2) are not going to run the risk of you divorcing them and taking half their assets; and (3) are not going to pay for your past poor decisions.

That leaves you with less attractive men, doormats, and men with not too much going for them.

You will have to settle deeply, very deeply, on sexual attraction and status, if you can find a man willing to marry you at all. The best you'll be able to do is, maybe,

(1) Jeff JiffyLube, who makes $11 an hour and is paying child support to one other baby mama; or

(2) Tom TwiceDivorcedand40, who is paying about 60% of his income in alimony and child support, lives in a shitty apartment and takes Wellbutrin for depression while seeing his talk therapist twice a month; or

(3) Wayne Slightlyweird, who is 34, a virgin, and makes $40K at his IT job by day and goes to comic cons on the weekends and curates his Star Wars action figure collection by night. Think Sheldon or Howard from "The Big Bang Theory".

Sorry, dear heart, but those are your choices. That's it.

Any guy worth his salt is going to put down strict boundaries with you. To wit:

(1) No marriage, not under any circumstances. He'll date you seriously. Maybe even exclusively. He might even live with you. But it'll be structured so he can get out at a moment's notice should he deem that necessary. You'll sign an agreement waiving any rights whatsoever to any support should you break up, and that he will not parent your kid. All the finances will be kept separate. What's yours is yours, and what's his is his. You will have to give your baby daddy primary residential custody because he is not going to live with a kid that isn't his. You have have visitation every other weekend, but that's it. He will be gone most weekends while you have visitation with your kid, so as to minimize his contact with your kid.

You will own nothing - the house you live in will be his, and his alone, you are NOT on the title and you never will be put on the title. You pay for your stuff- your car, your child support, your student loans, your hair/nails/grooming, your whatever. He will not be paying for ANY of it.

But, most of the time, he'll date you seriously and will not live with you, so most of that stuff won't be an issue.

(2) No kids. He is not going to father any kids with you.

(3) Sex, on demand, when he wants it, how he wants it.

(4) He makes the rules, you comply with them.

You dont' like any of this? Relationship OVER.

Or, you'll date or marry Jeff, or Tom, or Wayne. With Jeff, you'll live in poverty because neither of you earn much. You'll grow to hate each other. Jeff will cheat on you and you'll divorce him.

With Tom, you'll live in poverty because most of his money is supporting the bitch who left him and keeps his kids away from him. He's a sad sack depressed divorced guy who misses his kids and is working to keep his career going, so he has very little emotionally left for you. You'll probably cheat on him and divorce him, turning him into Mr. ThriceDivorced.

With Wayne, there'll be no sexual attraction at all. You'll hold your nose and puke in your mouth and let him fuck you, and he'll proclaim his everlasting love for you. You'll pump out one of his kids, and then you'll divorce him after cheating with Jeff (who you passed on a while ago).

That, dear, is what your future probably looks like.

[Asker]

I'm not looking for anyone to parent my child. I would also be willing to sign a prenuptial because I don't believe in taking anyone else money or belongings.

I appreciate everything you have said though. Thank you

[OddBeMe]

How bad is it? I’m depressive verging on bipolar but wouldn’t see an issue telling a gal straight up before dating.

[Asker]

Not bipolar, but I will snap and say some hurtful things and threaten to report you if you have done something illegal. if that person triggers my trauma.

So for example. My sister has been laughing at the fact she didn't take any photos for me of my baby's birth and about robbing me of cutting my baby's umbilical cord because she jumped and cut the cord. I was deeply hurt by this, and knowing she thinks what she did is funny. I basically told her, maybe her getting diagnosed with cancer was her karma before telling her, it should have been her who died and not her son. I alsp called her a child abuser because she hits her kids even her child who has a disability.

[OddBeMe]

Woah. Sounds like both you sisters have issues. Why was she in your hospital room? Nevemind.

If it’s that bad, any date will discover this on his own. So I wouldn’t worry and just try to learn why you do this and see if there’s ways to calm the monster :)

[Asker]

The b wouldn't stop pressuring me and nagging me to allow her to be in the room and I caved and allowed her to shut her up. I had no idea that she would rob me of cutting my own baby's umbilical cord or that she wouldn't take any photos for me. I especially didn't expect her to stoop so low to take the gift she gave to my baby back either.

She does have issues of her own but she and people around her can't see it. They can't even see that she is sending our dad to his grave.

One reason for why I asked if it was best to be honest is because my sister is someone who if she found out I was dating she wouldn't hesitate to contact that person and blab. This woman no lie. I met a guy when I was almost 19, she would not stop until she tracked down his number and when she did, she called him telling him I needed to come home this and that

[Asker]

This woman has tried to make me and my baby homeless, as she has been trying to get me kicked out of the place where I pay rent and bulls. She has even gone so far to contact child protection and bullshit

[OddBeMe]

Your sister is a biatch…and anyone you date, even if she calls him somehow, will see that. I wouldn’t worry about any dates or being 100% upfront with everything on the first dates. We expect an acceleration ramp as we continue dating.

But get that toxic bitch out your life. And just ghost her. She won’t listen to anything you say and it will be a waste of time.

[Asker]

Thank you. I've cut all contact with her and I won't understand any circumstances allow her near my baby. She also tried to make me and my baby homeless when she tried and tried to have us kicked out of the home where I pay rent and bills. She also kept contacting child protection and they even told me what she was calling them about was basically wasting their time because it had nothing to do with me endangering my baby.

[OddBeMe]

Wow. Well ice her out and make her attention seeking ass bother the other relatives and they’ll soon be on your side.

And seriously, us guys are pretty laid back. Obvi there are some who just want to get in your pants. But I will say being a mother might be something I’d drop in the first few dates. Normal guys will be fine with it. But that’s more important than your depression (as far dating). Lol

[Asker]

I was made aware she had been posting crap about me online and after dealing with this for the past 3 months I had enough and I went and contacted a few family members and told them what she had done because I was sick and tired of my sister acting like a victim when she is the one who fucked me over multiple times throughout the years. But what she done to me in the delivery room and afterwards was veey low. So far I haven't heard from those family members. This is the same sister who knew the guys who bashed our dad and left him for dead and she kept quiet about who was responsible so the guys who bashed Dad got away with what they had done. This is also the same sister who took a bunch of guys to our Pop's place who tried to not only break into his safe but who also scared Pop and refused to leave when they were told to leave.

[OddBeMe]

Your family will come around. Toxic bitches can’t fool people forever. When you stop being her victim she’ll turn to someone else.

[Asker]

You are right about that. I stood up for myself and she turned to our uncle trying to get him to side with her but it backfired because my uncle told her he wants nothing to do with it and to leave him out of it but she tried 2 more times to involve him and when he wouldn't give him she started crying.

[sheikalana]

I would take some time until I felt comfortable around that guy to talk about my mental health.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Doglove14]

No don't do it

[Asker]

Thank you

[Avicenna]

Yes, you definitely need to be upfront about ALL of them. Sure, it will reduce your initial dating pool, but you also need a guy who is fully informed and wants to be with you, not some mirage. Full disclosure also greatly increases the chances of long term success.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Avicenna]

No problem!

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Honestly, the issues you mentioned are extremely common.
If you had schizophrenia, you might want to bring that up. But things like bipolar, anxiety and depression are so common these days it's not even worth mentioning.

It would make you look bad, in my opinion

[Asker]

I dont have schizophrenia thankfully. However if people do something that sets of my trauma. I can say some hurtful things towards you. I can even go as far as to report you if I know if you have committed a crime or misusing government funding.

[AaronKrieger]

No, it's going to be hard to not make that sound like a huge red flag. It's about the issues specifically, but that it's too soon. I have my own triggers too, which I bring up later in the relationship. I think unless its something specifically big like pyschosis, genetic disease, or something along those lines, then just wait.

[AaronKrieger]

It's not about the issues*

[Asker]

Thank you

[ZackBan]

Some here gave the good advice:

Don't lead with that. When someone doesn't have any reasons to say yes to you you shouldn't give reasons to say no.
Put your best foot forward and once you have established a connection you can be honest about your situation which will help you have a healthier relationship with fewer secrets

[Asker]

Thank you

[Curmudgeon]

I suspect that a lot of men you would date probably have mental health issues of their own, and while "one downmanship" might be an odd way for you two to pair bond, it has happened with me in my past (and my present) relationships.

[Asker]

Thank you

[msc545]

If you can coherently explain your mental health problems, AND explain what the historical consequences of them have been for other relationships, they might be worth talking about briefly. Be aware that most people are terrified of mental health problems in themselves and others, and have almost no ability to understand them.

[Asker]

Thank you

[slatyb]

No, you don't have to disclose all that immediately. You might warn them if you are triggered by fairly ordinary actions. I hope you are getting some counseling to get through this.

[Asker]

I've been trying to get counselling, but they have broken my patient confidentiality more then once! and they expect me to just get over something after one session. It's frustrating because I do need the help.

[slatyb]

Where are you finding these counselors? How have they broken confidentiality?

[Asker]

Through the hospital. When I say they have broken my patient confidentiality, they told my family I had postnatal depression before they had even disclosed that information to me, and after I had repeatedly told them I did not want my family knowing anything because my family are toxic. They even disclosed my location and the fact I has an appointment with the mental health team when they were not supposed to disclose this information at all.

[Dinn3r]

i think if you are healthy enough to date, than maybe you do not need to be in rush to be super transparent. Give the person an opportunity to know you without the possible stigma that comes with that type of disclosure.

[Asker]

Thank you

[boggboss]

Yes but not to the point of saying in the first date lol

[Asker]

Thank you

[GreatBigCircles]

It's important to be honest about it, but it's not about humiliating yourself in front of someone. Think of it instead as establishing what kind of communication you want from a relationship: respectful, open, and honest.

Also, as guys get older the whole single mom thing stops being as important to a lot of us.

[AngryCarl2]

I wouldn't lead with it. Get him on the hook first, then slip it into the conversation when he's sympatico.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Sharkstealth]

Don't mention anything about issues until fully into a relationship. Try to act as a normal person as hard as that may be until then. If I accidentally get close to someone I will purposely try to ruffle them to distance themselves from me again. It usually ends in them totally abandoning me.

[cloud9vortex1234]

I think you need to work on your trauma and triggers before you start dating.

[Asker]

I've started to work on them but every now and then those traumas are triggered.

[justabuddy]

Maybe not on a first date, but you want to be honest with him at some point early. Otherwise it will just hurt you both more the longer you wait.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Yes. To do otherwise comes off as deliberately concealing.

[Asker]

Thank you

[dudeinohio]

Absolutely

[Asker]

Thank you

[In_Trance]

of course

[Asker]

Thank you