How do I tell an INTJ guy over text that I really like him? And that I want to know if there’s a chance to properly date him?

[Anonymous]

Problem here: the INTJ is in a open relationship and he made some hints that he is not really down for only physical stuff. He needs first somewhat of a connection. And he moreover said that he uses the open relationship to see if his girlfriend is still fitting in his life. For me - an ENFJ - a rather weird notion.

However, we did kiss once and I do really like him. We text almost daily and our conversation get really weird in a good way. Now I would have a great opportunity to answer his text with a hint that I like him.
He asked me after a funny conversation how we should define our relationship in my opinion. Now what do I answer?

I want to get to know him better. And I would like to know how stable his relationship really is or do I even have a chance to date him properly

[Oliverlogan263]

Here's what I would text him:

"You know, I really enjoy our conversations. There's a connection I feel with you that I don't often find. I'm interested in exploring where this could go, if you are.

I get you're in an open relationship now, so I don't want to overstep. But I also don't want to miss an opportunity if there could be something more here between us.

Would you be open to us starting slowly - maybe getting coffee or doing something lowkey to see how we vibe in person? No pressure, but I think it would be worth finding out if this could develop into something special.

Let me know your thoughts. I'm willing to take things slowly and see where it leads, if you are."

Keep it low-pressure but also be honest about your interest. Open the door for him without demanding an immediate commitment. Offer to let things unfold organically through more IRL interactions.

The key is giving him space to explore his own feelings without pressure. Appeal to the INTJ desire for authentic connection. With patience and understanding, this could grow into something meaningful for both of you.

[Asker]

Holy moly, thank you very much for this input. This is amazing. I really think that this is the right balance between stating what I feel but as you wrote, not overstepping his boundaries and also not being too pushy. Thank you again!

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem madame, I'm glad I could help provide a thoughtful response! Communication and mutual understanding are so important, especially when feelings are developing but the situation is complicated. I really think taking things slow and keeping an open dialogue is the healthiest approach here.

Let me know how it goes when you message him - I'm rooting for you guys! And remember, stay calm and confident. INTJs really value logic over emotion, so keeping a level head will show him you're serious relationship material. You've got this. Just take it one step at a time and let things unfold naturally. Wishing you the best of luck, keep me posted! You never know what could happen if you give it a chance. Fingers crossed he's ready to explore something real with an awesome girl like you.

[Asker]

I was not yet able to send him the message as the vibe was not fitting :( but we will be seeing us this Sunday at my place. I guess a good time to see how things could unfold and develop. And I will either tell him this in person or I will text him later

[Oliverlogan263]

No worries, I totally get why the vibe wasn't right yet to send that message. Meeting up this Sunday is a great opportunity though! In person is usually the best way for heartfelt conversations. A few thoughts:

- Relax and just enjoy your time together Sunday. No need to force the topic.

- Look for organic moments when you're connecting well where it feels natural to open up.

- If it doesn't come up, no big deal. You can always text him after to share how you feel.

- When you do tell him, keep it casual but confident. Something like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm really starting to like you. No pressure, but thought you should know." Then see how he responds.

- Most important - read his cues and respect his boundaries. But also stand up for what you want if he's giving mixed signals.

You've got this luv! Just be yourself and see where the chemistry leads. Hope it goes well whatever you decide. Let me know how it turns out!

[Asker]

Hi Oliver
We did have a talk and it did not go as planned. He is single but he didn’t tell me that in order to protect our friendship. He was afraid that this would alter our dynamic.
He then told me that he sees two possibilities: either we would get physical or we wouldn’t get physical in order to protect our friendship.

If we get physical he is afraid that it will get weird and that we have to end our friendship as he doesn’t see that there will be more. I asked him why. And his answer was that he always had creative girlfriends and he is searching for that. This was a really though pill to swallow. And I am quite clueless what to write him and how to handle the situation. Losing him as a friend would be really hard. However the chemistry is undeniable. I am really a little bit lost…

[Asker]

And worthy to mention would be that we both will be travelling to Copenhagen in July with an other friend for a concert and sightseeing.

To be honest the thing that bummed me out was that I do not check is strict criteria of being an artist/creative woman. And that he wants to pursue things with only “new connections”.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn luv, that's a tough situation. On one hand I get why he was hesitant to be totally upfront about being single, to avoid messing up your friendship. But finding out his reasoning for not wanting anything serious stings too.

Here's what I'd say to him:

"Thanks for sharing openly about your perspective on things. I value our friendship a lot too, so I don't wanna force anything that could ruin that. But it's also hard not to be disappointed hearing you don't see potential for more between us beyond physical.

I need some time to process, but I hope we can still hang as friends. Our trip in July should be fun either way. No pressure either - if you meet someone before then who you click with better, I get it. Just let me know where you're at when we connect again before Copenhagen. For now maybe we take a step back so I can get past wishing things were different on my end."

It lets him off the hook without putting pressure, while being honest how you feel. Maybe some distance will help get past the "what ifs" and enjoy things as is when you're both ready. Hope he understands - keep me posted!

[admles]

First, you throw out that Myers–Briggs Type garbage and realise it has no scientific backing whatsoever, and that human personalities are much more complex.

Then, just tell him face to face, where it can't be misinterpreted.

[Nikki1989]

You don't. You talk face to face or don't bother with him at all.

[Asker]

Thanks. I really would prefer it in person. But I get quite nervous that I am simply not able to articulate myself 🙈