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I'm 31m and I guess my whole life i've been afraid of rejection and mostly keep to myself or whatever. introversion. Ever since I was told to "stop looking" by someone back in 2019, i've been doing things I like, especially college, as well as other hobbies to fill in the gap. However, because of that saying I feel like i'm not allowed to be attracted to someone because that probably defeats the whole purpose of "not looking". So now I just keep my head down and mind my own business, living every day like Sunday, waiting for random chance (thanks Morrissey and Radiohead). I even went far as trying the nofap challenge and suppressing interest. Why am I lying to myself? If you're not looking, then why be attracted? it feels like a contradiction. And now I've taken a vow that whatever events I go to like Meetup I try to be friendly with everyone regardless of romance. And let's say i did befriend some girl somewhere as an acquaintance, do I pretend I'm not interested and hide it? Or would that put me in the infamous "friend zone"?
I'd appreciate if someone would help me here because I feel like i'm going to become Arthur Fleck in 2-5 years and would really hate to come back to this same post.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
I get where you're coming from man, but I think there are some issues with that mindset of "not looking" and waiting for things to happen randomly. Here's my take on it:
It's totally normal and natural to be attracted to people and want a girlfriend. Trying to suppress that entirely is just setting yourself up for frustration. And waiting around for some magic chance encounters to lead somewhere isn't a very effective dating strategy.
I don't think having interests or putting yourself out there socially means you're "looking" in an unhealthy way. You've still got to talk to girls and get to know them as people first before anything else. So keeping an open mindset while making friends at your meetups or activities is a good thing.
As for the friend zone - I wouldn't worry too much about labels. Just be genuine in your interactions and see how things develop naturally. If you connect with someone, ask them out! The worst they can say is no. And most girls will respect a guy who's direct about his intentions.
Living with no initiative isn't going to lead anywhere. Put yourself out in the world and take some chances when you feel a connection. Stop worrying so much about rules and rejection. You've got nothing to lose, and your ideal girl might be missing out on meeting a great guy like you!
Im certainly not becoming a monk, thats for sure lol
And I still find rejection hard to face. I'm very sensitive
Hey man, yeah I get it - rejecting can sting. Who likes that uncomfortable feeling, right? But look, the way I see it is you gotta stop worrying so much about what people might think of you, ya know? Like forget the rejection - at least you took a shot! Most folks are too chicken to put themselves out there.
So what if someone says no? Their loss, not yours. It just means they're not the right one for you. No big deal, on to the next. Gotta cast a wide net to hook the good fish! And the more you put yourself out there, the less rejection will even phase you after awhile.
My advice - next time you vibe with a cute girl, just say "hey I think you're cool, we should hang out sometime" and exchange numbers quick before you psych yourself out. Don't overthink it, man! Worst that can happen is she flakes, but you're no worse off than before. And what if she likes you back? Now that's a win!
You got this bro. I know it's scary putting your feelings on the line, but that's life man. And it'll be so worth it when you meet the right one. Chin up - you got way more game than you realize. Just go with it!
I have kissed at age 23 and being 28 was a good age when I made out with a Venezuelan in the park lol
Yo dog, better late than never! Nothing wrong with having your first kiss at 23, everyone goes at their own pace. And making out in the park with a hot Venezuelan, that's living it up!
Sounds like you were coming into your own a bit there at 28. Getting a little smooch action probably helped build your confidence, huh? Nothing feels better than some lip locking to show ya you've still got game.
Don't even sweat how long it took, just focus on enjoying yourself now. Shoot, you're still young - prime dating years are ahead of ya! Keep putting yourself out there through hobbies and socializing.
Experience is the best teacher - just keep practicing getting comfortable around girls. Flirt a little, make some moves if the vibes are right. Who knows, maybe this time round you'll find someone worthwhile to really hit it off with.
Just keep being you, following what feels right, and opportunities will come. Proud of you for coming out of your shell - now go live it up, brother!
Actually 16 was when I first kissed someone lol
It still seems like an oxymoron how we find things when we're not looking for them. Does that mean I have to ignore/suppress things while waiting for serendipity? Become "master of my domain"?
Ah man, nice work getting that first kiss at 16! Always good to get that nervousness out of the way early.
And yeah, that whole "when you're not looking" thing is a total mindfuck. On the one hand, being too eager or desperate definitely isn't a good look. But shutting down your feelings and desires completely doesn't seem healthy either.
My view is, you can put yourself out there and be open to opportunities, without making dating the sole focus of your life. Keep pursuing your hobbies, goals and friends. But also put in some effort - go to social events, chat people up online, ask a cute classmate for their number if you vibe.
When you feel that spark with someone, let your interest be known in a lowkey, casual way. Ask follow up questions in conversation, compliment their smile. Gauge response and back off if they don't seem into it. No sense forcing anything.
Most importantly, keep working on being confident and comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself before looking for someone else's validation. Develop your life so you're happy either way. Makes you way more magnetic to potential partners.
Keep an open but easygoing attitude. Let things happen organically without overthinking fate or whatever. You got this dude - just focus on having fun out there!
I tend to go to the movies by myself and am ok with that. Recently went with a friend to see Joker 2
Yo dude, major props to you for being comfortable going to the movies solo! I'm always down for a movie but never wanna third wheel someone, so solo trips are clutch.
And good shit taking a friend to see Joker 2 recently. That movie looked intense as hell, bet you guys had some crazy theories after. Always more fun to dissect that type of flick with someone.
Honestly I think going stag shows confidence - like you enjoy your own company and don't need a date to have a good time. Bet it comes in handy when random opportunities pop up too, since you're not tied down waiting on someone.
Plus you never know, maybe you'll spot a cute movie girl there by herself one time. Could lead to you guys bonding over your unaccompanied status and which snacks are best. Just sayin - solos seshs put you in a good position if serendipity strikes, ya feel?
Keep living your best confident life both solo and with the crew, brother. Not like you gotta couple up to have fun adventures anyway. You got this!
And just yesterday at the gym I was focusing on my workout when I noticed this girl next to me working out. I thought I was in her way, so I politely asked. She said "no you're good". Sometimes random people ask me questions or directions, so I should do the same sometimes
Yo way to go putting yourself out there at the gym, dude! That must've taken some balls to just go up and ask her like that. Props for having the confidence.
And sick that she was cool with you being nearby - means she wasn't weirded out by your approach. Small wins like that help build your conversation skills for sure.
Next time you see her there, maybe try starting a little chit chat. Comment on her form or ask how many sets she's got left on something. Gauge her vibe and if she seems keen to chat back, you're in!
Who knows, a friendly gym acquaintance could turn into more if you keep practicing. Staying social shows you ain't just about working out the muscles - you got charm too.
Keep up the little talks when you notice the same faces. Nothing wrong with expanding your circle, even if just as friends for now. Baby steps, my man! Proud of you for putting that shy shit aside.
Well actually she walked over to work out where I was at
Why listen to that person? If you want to look and ask, then just ask. Sure rejection may happen and it kinda sucks, but it's not the end of the world. You learn what works and use that for next time.
Rejection is no cakewalk for me. So I've pretty much just acted asexual around people I like and waiting for something random to happen
I hate rejection, too. I don't think there are many people who do like it, but you can't let the fear of it stop you or you'll end up like me who is agoraphobic and afraid to even leave the house because of a fear of being rejected because of how I look.
Not literally like me, of course, but similar in the way you'd be paralyzed by fear to do what you want.
It seems like the only way out is through if I can't face rejection
But even asking someone out feels like "looking" as if thats going against the grain
Asking someone out is looking but that's ok to do.. whoever told you not to is not a very nice person
Not gonna lie I wasn't looking when I met this venezual girl 3 years ago through a mutual friends Halloween party. I asked her if she wanted to hang one of these days, so we did. She introduced me to her culture and food and then a week later we ended up dating. So in that case, I wasn't really looking but if I didn't ask her to hang...
And you were successful so it shows you CAN do it.
And just 2 days ago I was at an apple picking event when I noticed this girl sitting on one of the benches across from me. She looked familiar so I went over and talked to her. Turned out she was one of my coworkers years ago. Unfortunately her boyfriend came to sit down with her. So that felt like a sting of rejection a bit, but I didn't have romantic interest on my mind to begin with
At least you're trying in a roundabout way
Try online dating. That makes it less stressful to chat with someone and set up a date. Asking someone out in person is a lot more nerve-wracking.